Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

somewhat depends on “the name”

so this happened a few years ago?

any reason why it’s bothering you so much today?

What did she call you?

Depends what it is surely?

And that’s why you always say ‘I have you on speakerphone’.

YANBU what was the word?

Cunt. Out of nowhere! It was shocking and upsetting. I am a good person.

The only reason I’m bringing it up cause I just realised perhaps I am being weird in never getting over it. Ie it dawned on me that we have a very distant relationship now because of one incident. I don’t know, it just hit methat others may not have pulled back to the extent I did

Depends on what she said - I don't mind being called a silly cow (because it's relatively mild and I can be at times!) but something far stronger would stop me in my tracks a bit. I also wouldn't let it fester away for a number of years - I would have spoken to her about it at the time to get more context.

YANBU I'd never forget something like that. "Bitch" I reckon

Ouch. That's harsh. I would definitely have not let that one slide.

YANBU. That would reverberate with me for a long, long time.

I wouldn't have gotten over it but it's too late to address it now. Maybe she thinks you are a bit of a martyr if you go out of your way to do nice things while inconveniencing yourself? Maybe be direct about what you want and don't put yourself out for her in the future.

OMG - YADNBU!

Some people use the word cunt in a jokey friendly way

Was it used in a nasty way/tone?

I think it's the fact you thought you had a good relationship with her and then found she calls you names behind your back that is so hurtful. If your relationship with her had been frostier then it wouldn't have come as such a surprise and wouldn't have been so cutting.
I'm not surprised hearing what she thinks about you in private has undermined your feelings about her.

I'd never talk to her again.

Oh it was not said in a terms of endearment way. That is not her style of speaking at all. I had never even heard her swear up until then.

id find it difficult to get over OP

I don't disbelieve you but if it came out of nowhere and you've always got on, are you sure it was about you and meant with malice? Could it actually be a misunderstanding and everyone was too embarrassed to explain themselves? If that's definitely how it came across I'm with you but are they the kind of people who would discuss it now or pretend not to remember?

what do you mean? she’s not usually a swearer?

How strange of her to say that out of nowhere? What was the context in which you were brought up in conversation? Was it ‘Gripe didn’t pay back that £50 again, she’s being a proper cunt’ or ‘Gripe and I are going for lunch on Friday, I do think she’s a cunt though’.

I think you will never forget it but the sting should lessen.

I also do think that relationships really can change long term - if your brother stays with this woman over decades, she genuinely could come to like and respect you much more and you could have a good relationship one day. Then you will forgive her.

But, unless that happens, you will never really be able to forget what she said.

When i first met my mum in law (to be) i was in my early 20s, at Uni and MIL seemed like a very dull housewife. I never said anything against her, nor she me but there was an underlying feeling of not liking each other too well. We just had nothing in common.

Over the next 40 years, i came to respect that she always played 2nd fiddle to her husband (as women did back then) She was not a dull housewife. She was a devoted wife who really backed and supported her husband. When he died, her abilities came out more.

I genuinely have totally changed my opinion of her for the better.

And it is quite possible that your SIL might also have a change of heart. So keep the door open, keep it civil and see how it goes long term.

So brother did tell SIL that I had heard the comment. And brother said she felt terrible. But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

It seems really odd that she would come out with that., just causally. I dont want to make you feel worse but they must both call you that or she must do it quite often. I can imagine casually saying something like that about my husbands brother/sister unless it was in extreme anger or else it was how we usually spoke about the person.