Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

What was the context - "God Gripeseed is such a cnt" or "that cnt Gripeseed" is pretty hard to misinterpret and I don't think I could step back from it. I'd be dying to know the WHY more than anything, especially if as you say you've always been very nice.
If she said "c*nt gripeseed" or similar, I'd be confused what or why she had said it and wondering if I'd misinterpreted.

I don't believe this thread however is it's true, then I would definitely think it says more about your husband. He's not only been holding these private conversations in the car where he lets his sister call you names but has obviously said enough negative about you behind your back that she holds bad opinions about you.

I forget exactly. But db was helping me out with something (not a common occurrence). I think we were on our way to B and Q and sil said something like “why can’t that cunt do it on her own?”.

Wow! I wouldn’t forget that!

I wouldn't get over that no. It's not nice finding out someone doesn't like you, to the extent they call you a cunt, when you've tried to be kind and never fallen out. I also wouldn't have addressed it, it's not the fact she called you a cunt it's the fact she generally dislikes you enough to do so that's hurtful...and an apology wouldn't actually make any difference to that, as its not a 'mistake' as such

I'd be worried about your brother staying with such a nasty piece of work. If I ever called my SIL something like that my husband would go nuclear and rightly so. How dare she. I understand you OP to be distanced from her but please check in on DB that he's OK. Not all abusers are men and not all abuse is physical.

I’d be the same as you, OP. Be civil to her because she’s family but nothing beyond that. You found out by accident what she really thinks about you.

I was at my parents’ house this weekend. And db and sil were there. I just came away sort of musing on how perfectly pleasant but distant and formal my relationship with sil is. And I consider the turning point to be that comment. After which I just totally stopped making an effort beyond being polite and cordial.

What possible reason would she have to call you that? She sounds venomous.

I wouldn't forgive that. Even less so if she's one of those regularly offensive types. I can only imagine how she's been referring to you behind your back.

😐😐 not very nice OP… I agree with PP I highly doubt this is the first time she/your brother have called you that.

You really should have pulled her up, instead of saying you don’t want to discuss it. She deserved a little shame/embarrassment, people are too non-confrontational…

can you elaborate? because she doesn’t usually swear?

I would be more upset at the thought she could freely refer to me as such in front of my brother

I'd be signing every birthday and Christmas card to brother and bitch love from cunt.

I'd never forgive that, and I'd struggle to be polite to her, but I'd try for my parents sake. Do your parents know?

You aren’t getting over it because you haven’t forgiven her.

whether you choose to or not is entirely your decision.

The fact remains that until / unless you do, you will remain locked into that moment and will find it difficult to move on.

Nah she can sod off, I’d also be none too pleased with my brother for not telling her to not talk about my sister like that!!!!

It speaks reams about how she feels about you. I couldn't forget that and would have said something. I would mention it to her now, even though it happened a while ago. If she felt terrible when your brother told her, there's no way she'll have forgotten it either. It's obviously still bothering you and you shouldn't have to feel that way.

I got to read exactly what my SIL thought of me through an email into which I was accidentally copied.

After several more incidents, both DH and I are now NC. No big drama from me, just an irreversible and absolute truncation of contact.

so I have a sister who I obviously told. And that’s what we picked up on - the fact that I accidentally caught a candid moment between brother and sister in law. It’s clear sil is comfortable talking about me in such terms. And clearly my brother puts up with it. Which is very weird because brother and I are emotionally close

😂 Are you the SIL??!

"I meant cunt in it's friendly, jokey way..." 🤔

As another poster has said that is a word most people don't use on a day to day basis. She meant it but there was nothing friendly in her intentions.

But I said let’s draw a line under the whole thing. I didn’t want to discuss it/get an apology.

I think this was unfortunately the wrong thing to do. You may have felt you were being the bigger person but it’s basically just left things unresolved and you haven’t been able to put it behind you. Maybe discussing it wouldn’t have solved the issue either since she can’t exactly take it back or erase it from your memory but it would’ve been something.

If nothing else, you’d have been able to get it off your chest how rude/offensive etc you found it which may have made drawing a line under it easier.

and she’s not usually a swearer or she is?

She’s not usually a swearer.

Op said : That is not her style of speaking at all. I had never even heard her swear up until then.

I have only ever head sil swear the once. She is very quiet and reserved .

I hate awkwardness. The idea of bringing it up just seemed too uncomfortable.