Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

Being called names at school is different from being called Cunt by your brother's wife. It wasn't even in a humorous context. It sounds quite malevolent.

I would have to sit her down and ask her why she called you a cunt on the phone that time. I would hate for there to have been some sort of misunderstanding that she’d based her opinion on.

I wouldn't have spoken to her again unless she brought it up and apologised.

Do your parents know what kind of woman your brother is married to?

I couldn’t have let that go. I’d have to know why she referred to me that way, and I’d never be friendly again. Formal and polite, all the way!

I would behave exactly as you are. She could’ve been having a really bad day, or the word indirectly meant to show your brother she wasn’t happy about him helping you out (maybe it ate into their time together, maybe they were having marital issues) not that it excuses it in any way, but there could be mitigating factors, so I would continue to be civil but I would also not be inclined to go out of my way to nurture any kind of closer relationship.

People saying to address it now years later or cause some kind of drama are giving bad advice. Bringing this up years after the fact makes you look crazy. Especially if there is even the teeniest, tiniest remotest chance she wasn’t actually referring to you or it was a comment out of context. Unlikely, but you never know.

This is the trouble with words. They can’t be unsaid and the damage can be very real. But sometimes it’s best to forgive but not forget.

What’s your brothers role in all of this, surely she would have called you this previously otherwise he wouldn’t know who she was referring to :-(

Depends. Names can sting. I've never forgotten a teacher referring to me in my hearing as 'fat' when I was FIVE. I ruminated on it a lot 14 years later when I spent 3 months on an eating disorders ward for my dangerously low weight.

As an adult, I would probably do my best to forgive and forget, but it's not nice when you overhear someone say something nasty about you. It's much worse than having them say it to your face. Because it makes you all paranoid about how often they say it, and to whom, and whether the other person agrees.

Sympathy, OP.

Deeply unpleasant. I'd feel and do the same. There's no point discussing it because it's can't be taken back or explained somehow. She didn't view you the way you thought she did and that damage has been done

I don’t think I could resist referring to it all the time when talking to her and your brother I.e. that was a cuntish thing to do, Jo’s a silly cunt isn’t she etc until she had to ask me about it- I don’t believe in letting it go because you haven’t been able to in all this time
btw I hate that word

I think you’ve done well to carry on being polite to her to be honest.

Your SIL has shown you what she thinks of you and you have changed the way you think about her as a result. Completely understandable on your part.

If you're close to your brother, you need to speak to him about this and just tell him that what's really upset you is it sounds like that's how both of them talk about you behind your back. It's his partner, he can sort this problem.

I'd assume that wouldn't have been the first time she referred to you as a cunt in front of your brother?

I think you're a much nicer person than me OP.

I'd personally never have spoken to her again.

No. If someone called me that they would be out of my life forever.

I would be distinctly unimpressed with my brother as well for gaslighting me. That would need thinking but as I have no family that's your call.

I've divorced my ex husband for words he said, I've pretty much dropped a decades long friendship over things she said and how she's been with me so yes, it would be over and I'd not forgive.

Did you ever ask your brother why she was so comfortable referring to you that way, with him?

Sister was appalled.

So I am a people pleaser. I hate it about myself. My sister is not.

SIL and I have never been emotionally close. SIL is not close to my sister either.

There is this weird thing with SIL where you have to break the ice every time you spend time together. Or at least that’s I how felt prior to the comment. Sister has noticed this also. E.g. we have been on weekend breaks together, days out etc. And had perfectly pleasant times. But then the next time we would meet it would be like going back to square one. That closeness/familiarity that was built up would totally disappear. I would always try but since the comment I just don’t really bother making the effort. My sister never did the whole going out of her way to break the ice thing in the first place. And continues that approach now. So sister and SILs relationship is also pretty superficial. Almost acquaintance like.

Too many people use the cupid stunt bit without thinking.

She said she felt terrible so I would take that as an indication that she cares.

No. She 'felt terrible' because she'd been caught.

Why didn’t your db immediately tackle her on this? I’d be gobsmacked if my sil said that about me and I’d never want to see her again. It’s an outrageous term to use about you when she apparently doesn’t even normally swear.

Honestly I would have forgotten about it by the next day. I can't believe you're still hung up on it a whole two years later. You must either have a photographic memory or not much going on in your life.

And distancing yourself from her is no skin off her nose, she doesn't like you.

You really need to move on from it because it's not healthy for it to still be living rent-free in your mind. It's really not a big deal.

No he didn’t and that didn’t go unnoticed.

Me too.

What a vulgar woman.

Exactly how I interpreted it

Are they Scottish at all? I only ask as a couple of people I know from a certain area of Scotland would just use the word as a normal word in a sentence about someone, no malice intended.

But she’s quiet as a mouse to your face. Which was perhaps why I was so totally shocked