Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

Oh that is awkward! I think you might have made an error not discussing it at the time and gotten an explanation.

Maybe she was stressed and wanted her DH home. Maybe she is sick of him giving people lifts. She might use that turn of phrase whenever she is annoyed. No idea.

At this stage, you probably need to just draw a line under it and forget. Easy to give this advice but very difficult to do, I know!

Horrible

But there must have been context

What was the rest of the sentence?

I agree. I had a SIL like this.
DH didn't pull her up on it. I later discovered that is because he thought it was 'quite funny'. It isn't ok.
I guess you could raise it with your brother (ask him why she said that?) His response might be revealing too.

Why would you want to be friendly to someone who thinks you’re a cunt?

I think being distant with her is more than she deserves - I’d have given her a piece of my mind!

Read the OP 's posts. She's answered this

I’d want to know the context in which I was called a cunt, what is done of if it’s some kind of nickname.
I’d take it one step further and sign Christmas and birthday cards “much love, from the cunt x “

I couldn’t let it slide, I’d need to talk about it, I’d need to know why.

That was your mistake

NC for this. My SIL, who I thought I had a not-close-but-friendly-enough relationship with, was a regular poster on MN. I had worked out who she was but not said anything and certainly wasn't stalking her.

One day I came across a thread about babies born at 36 weeks, and saw someone complaining about her SIL whose baby was born at 36 weeks who was "always going on about her baby being premature" and how ridiculous it was. I clocked who the poster was and realised it was SIL, and that was talking about me. I was honestly shocked at the hostility in her tone. I really don't remember "going on" about my baby being born early - though who knows, maybe I did when he needed extra care in hospital after birth and I was a stressed new mum? - but I never forgot her comment and the sneering, dismissive tone.

Civil and polite all the way following that. Just like you. No coming back sadly.

I know where you are coming from. My BIL once viciously said to me "why don't you fuck off you stupid cunt". I was taking him a crate of lager at neighbour's boat party and telling him dinner could be reheated any time he was ready so not to rush. We were all military so swearing doesn't affect me. But it was the sheer venom that broke my heart. We had been SO close. He destroyed everything in that one sentence. Everything. This was 8 years ago and I've only ever been civil with him on the very rare occasions we are now in the same room. Beforehand we all used to go away for weekends, nights out etc. He had his own key to our house and would treat it like his own. It was alcohol with him though. He has subsequently lost an excellent job because of his behaviour when drunk. I was so saddened by this outburst I don't think I'll ever forgive him. Not that he's tried. According to DH he doesn't know what to say.

But there must have been a wider context

Did SiL object to her husband giving up his time?
Was it a frequent occurrence?

Not excusing her, just wondering as to why the nastiness

Surely this is why we have the phrase once bittern twice shy.

You suddenly knew she didn't like you and had no problem being rude about you behind your back to your own brother - seems perfectly sensible to make less effort going forward.

She wants to be stand offish at meet ups - it her and your brother's problem if she feels less welcome and included.

Some people can be very two faced - frankly older I get less I care to understand that behavior or try and understand it. She got caught being a bitch about you - the consequence she feels socially embarrassed and you make less effort the results is a more distant relationship - (that she's apparently making no effort to change so really isn't that bothered about it)

Well that’s what she may have got to the bottom of if they had a discussion.

OP said at the time she didn’t want a discussion and just wanted to move on.

I think she may want to revisit that decision.

I don't think you are being harsh at all. She didn't even have the decency to apologise to you. You are civil to her. That's enough imo.

She felt terrible she was caught @Gripeseed
no chance would I be nice to her she has shown you who she is .
Best stay clear !

She’s a nasty piece of work. I wouldn’t bother making much effort to be pleasant at social events in future. Speak to other people and minimise interaction with her. She doesn’t deserve your attention.

To answer your original question no you’re not being harsh. She spoke about you in a way that conveys the utmost contempt and disdain for you (made particularly acute as this isn’t her usual vernacular and she’s not a welder on the docks [insert stereotyped rough sweary job here]).

what I would do though is try and move on so that you don’t waste any more headspace on it but don’t move on in a way that means you treat her with any more politeness than a stranger you meet in a shop. Perfectly civil but you owe her nothing.

I might be inclined to let your db know that the relationship has been irreparably damaged just so they’re clear what she’s missing out on - it’s not that you’ve stopped being a nice and kind person dropping off baking etc, it’s just that you don’t do it for people who’ve let their true colours shine.

Eurgh, so sorry, so awful to hear that.
Ive also overhead my sil (Dh’s sister) bitching about me, not to him …I don’t think. I’m also a people pleaser and used to be so upset and hurt by it when younger. Now I don’t give a F and she knows it. I’m a good person with lovely friends and family, she’s toxic. I’m fake civil because of Dh

I do not think you exaggerated your reaction.
I would not want anyone close to me that goes around referring to others as cunt and without any major issue, like a massive fight or a massive horrible behaviour from you.
I would not think ever ever the same of my brother either..... So what now? They refer to me as The Cunt on their daily convos? For no reason? And he never stopped her from saying that or apologised to you, or she did? But you do say he told her?
There are very weird people out there OP, those who behave this way.
I will keep the civil and that is it.

You know, I probably wouldn't.

Look at it as though she has done you a favour because now you no longer have to people please with her.

There is no need to bend over backwards to help her with anything.

Maybe having a simple superficial relationship is a win for you.

Also.... do this. ^

I would assume from what you say that she is the sort of person who uses that word quite frequently in private no matter how “polite” she is in public otherwise your brother wouldn’t have minimised and would be shocked. Doubt it is particularly about you, more that she’s the sort of person who behind closed doors sees lots of people that way for no real reason than they’ve mildly inconvenienced her. I’d take that as a sign of who she really is - not how she feels about you specifically - and that would be enough for me to do what you are doing which is be polite and superficially friendly but not seek to go much further. She doesn’t sound great.

This kind of. I mean it would have been a big deal to me and I wouldn't have forgotten it by next day but my reaction would have been to discard her and move on. I think that the problem for me is that you refused to discuss it or receive an apology...I mean your choice and I don't usually bang on about closure but now the thing is just hanging there in your brain. I do think and I mean this politely "is Why would she do that? I am a nice person, I have been nice to her" is not a healthy place to be because the comment was not about what you are like, it was about what she is like

I don't think your reaction is strange or wrong. Would I forgive it? That depends what you mean by forgive. Would I forget it? nope. And yes it would always colour my thoughts and feelings about her.

Does she often call you names to your brother? It would be him I would be most annoyed with, why would he let his wife do that? Or do they both do it behind your back?