Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

Sorry, but you must have had some altercation for her to call you that.

I think you're right to hold her at arms length after that.

Polite is perfectly ample after how she's behaved.

Haven’t been called it directly but first proper
boyfriend, met his parents round theirs for a cuppa, all very lovely to my face. Even picked his mum and dad up from the pub/train station/wherever a few times as boyfriend couldn’t , gave them lovely Christmas present. I was only 22 and 300 miles from home at uni at the time.

Anyway, boyfriend gets a text from his cousin that comes up in the car for me to read (by accident). “Your mum says you’re with a right porker” and loads of laughing faces. Cousin wasn’t great, but obviously his mum had spoken about me. I was a size 14 at the time and looking back I’d hardly say big but whatever. Boyfriend brushed it off as a joke but it was never the same after that. I refused to see his parents and therefore we didn’t work out.

SIL has entered the building. 🙄

I’m glad you stopped making the effort with her. Sounds like she never apologised to
you.

How have SIL And DB reacted to you detaching yourself?

I agree. I think it's clear that DSIL didn't / doesn't like the OP for some reason and the opportunity to find out what the issue was has now gone and it's difficult to raise it now.

The way I see these sort of things (criticisms) is either they have a point, therefore it's a fair comment, or they are totally wrong. That means it's a 'them' problem, not you.
Shrug it off. Let it go.

I doubt anyone goes out of their way for you or bakes you anything.

Btw I’m not still stewing. I don’t think about the comment daily.

I was at my parents house this weekend and so were brother and sil. I was struck by how perfectly polite we being to another but it was very superficial, almost formal. Odd for family.

And it just got me thinking that this can all really be traced back to the overhead comment.

Just got me thinking

No YANBU. She sounds two faced and I’d be avoiding at all costs especially with that particular word. See it as a blessing in disguise that you overheard.

I don’t think you and your brother are ‘emotionally close’. Because no one who cares about you would allow someone to speak about you like that. So I guess this is how they speak about you in private, or even to others.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s absolutely horrible.

Absolutely uncalled for personal attack.

My mum looked at a picture of me aged three today and said I looked 'butch'.
I explained that was a sexist insult and homophobic against lesbians (I'm straight btw) but she pretended she thought it was a normal thing to say!

I've had dealings with that type of person, who you never get past an initial meeting with, it's always back to square one. Thankfully mine was a friend of an ex so I didn't have to keep seeing her. So weird. One day I'd think we really connected, but the next time it was back to square one. I don't think people like that change. I wonder what your DB sees in her?

It doesn’t sound like you were very close before anyway. So just keep it civil as you were

It sounds like maybe you do need to discuss it after all? Could you just ask her about it?

Like fuck is it a small incident and damned right if you don’t have the wherewithal to actually discuss it with her, then pulling back IS the right thing to do.

youre not the cunt. She is. Leave her to it

Given this occurred years ago, the time for discussing this has well and truly passed.

So ball in your court…. forgive (but you can’t force yourself to forget) and move on

or…. don’t have anything more to do with her, which will seem somewhat bizarre to the rest of the family

either way…. it really is only you suffering Op. Your bro and SIL haven’t spent one second navel gazing about this whereas you clearly have for a few years now

You know you can just tell someone if you don't want their baked goods? You don't have to call them a cunt behind their back

Seems to me she is happy with the cordial relationship. I’d leave it be, or speak to my DB, but wouldn’t hold out much hope.

Next time you’re all round your parents for lunch and your SIL asks someone to pass her something, say “why can’t she get it herself, the silly c**t” then into the shocked silence which will ensue, calmly say “what? Don’t you remember when [SIL] called me that? You remember don’t you [sister]?”
Why is it ok for you to be called that & not her? Your brother has a few questions to answer here.

No it marrs it forever. EVERYONE says things about other people in private, even about the closest people, but these things aren't meant to be heard.
But once you hear it you can't unhear it. I've become so careful about what I say now

If she called you a cunt in an argument or the heat of the moment, I could forgive. But no I wouldn't forgive her in this context

She clearly doesn't like you. There's no explaining or apologising that would justify the way she spoke about you. She clearly talks about you a lot like this for your brother to not be shocked, and for her to feel she could call his sister a cunt so casually.

Why would you want to make an effort with someone who doesn't like you? You could talk it through with her, but its not really the use of the word that hurts, it's the sentiment behind it. And apologising won't change that

Also I hate it when siblings partners try and sour the relationship between them, it happens so much

Of course someone calling you a cunt is a bit deal. Absolute BS would you have forgotten about it

It's not a good thing to just roll over and tolerate people being bitchy about you behind your back