Would you ever get over hearing someone call you a name?

[Gripeseed]

Sister in law was once on the bluetooth speaker in my brother’s car. She didn’t realise I was in the car when my brother picked up her call. Out of nowhere she randomly refers to me using a swear word. I was absolutely shocked! My brother hung up immediately and tried to style it - “oh she’s misheard what I said”.

But to be honest I have never felt the same towards her after that incident. We had always been perfectly nice to each other when we met up. I am polite to a fault and she has good manners also (in public). In fact I had always gone out of my way to be nice - e.g. home cooked meals when I was heavily pregnant, dropping off baked goods when I made too much etc.

After I heard this a couple of years ago I kind of just detached emotionally. Still perfectly civil.

Am I being harsh? Would you have got over it?

I never got an apology and we never addressed it.

ok, YADNBU. Why the hell was she talking about you like that and why the hell did she feel comfortable saying that in front of your B.

Don’t blame you for keeping your distance!

yeah i wouldnt forgive that OP, she has let slip what she really feels about you. Cordial and polite is the way forward, you cant put the cork back in the bottle now you know how she talks about you.

I don't think I'd want to know anyone who used that word towards other people anyway.

It would all depend on context. But I would probably feel different about the person, knowing what they thought of me.

I don’t think you can call someone that name if you like them or have any kind of connection with them. I can only think of one person who I consider to be a cunt.

Yeah I totally understand. I’ve made the same mistake in other situations and then regretted not clearing the air properly.

It may have seemed the most easiest or “least worst” option at the time but I think it’s led to unresolved feelings.

I do think it’s worrying that not only she said that but she was comfortable to say it in front of your brother. It makes you wonder what he’s been saying to her and how he feels about you.

I always think that calling someone a cunt shows your absolute hatred of that person.
It's such an awful word.
The fact that she said it to your DB indicates that he knows exactly what she thinks of you and it won't have been the first time SIL has expressed her feelings about you.
At least you know now that neither of them are very nice people.
I wouldn't get over it either.

It's a bit dramatic stressing about it after so long. I was called many names at school, White Honky, paleface and ghost girl to name a few. Didn't particulary affect me half hour later never mind years later

wow no that's unforgivable. not that she has asked your forgiveness either. Not sure I'd continue to be so cicvil. I guess you can kill her with ice cold kindness.

Your SIL sounds awful

I’m not stressing. It just hit me that maybe I’m the odd one for having totally written off an important relationship because of one (small?) incident. I pulled back as that felt natural. But curious if others would have found a way to get over it.

tbh i wouldn't have let it drag on this long. I would have said, immediately "you're on speaker you cunt."

And not bothered doing anything to make her think i'd forgotten or forgiven. Because i am a) gobby and b) petty and vindictive.

Could it be that she or they were under stress at the time for whatever reason (maybe they'd rowed) and it was nothing personal?

I think one main issue is that you shut down discussions and they didn't insist on apologising and explaining properly.

Not saying it's fine to call you that, but you might have simply been the one to pop up at the wrong time rather than it being targeted. She said she felt terrible so I would take that as an indication that she cares. I actually don't think it's too late to ask if they remember and open the topic up for discussion. Admit that you should have talked about it at the time but it has left a residual bad taste and you'd like to put it to bed.

You're a better woman than I. There's no way I could maintain a cordial relationship with someone who speaks about me like that behind my back, particularly in the case that you thought you had a good relationship. Yikes!

I think may way round it would be to address it head on as above, even if later. If not satisfied it wasn't personal, I would go back to minimal contact and civility

Yes it forever changes how you feel. I moved my DH's car keys last night which caused him a slight degree of frustration. I overheard him calling me a moron to himself in the next room. Pondering if it's possible to go LC with someone you live with.

Oh god how horrendous for you. Agree that it shows that this way of referring to you was not a one off between your brother and SIL.

I'm wondering if there is any mileage in somehow calmly bringing it up one day and asking what it is that you had said or done that made her talk about you in that way? Maybe frame it in a way that makes you sound like you are worried you had at some point upset her?

It would sit with me for years. I'd try to forgive but not sure I could. Very hard indeed.

If somebody called me that I'd be upset to think that I'd aggravated them so much to the point of using that name without realising what I'd done. They would be getting the polite but distant treatment from me too as I would think they needed careful handling going forward. I would forgive them but I wouldn't forget it nor give them a reason to use language like that about me again.

I don't hang around with name callers though so I'm not used to people being insulted.

If I called SIL that, DH would have left me on the side of the road.

No, I don’t think it’s odd because she’s shown you that she doesn’t like you or even maybe hates you and is massively disrespectful so why would you be close to her after that?

But as I’ve said, I think it’s a bit odd that you just left it without having a discussion with her and your brother.

Not only would I be angry /upset but I’d be wondering why she called me that and why my brother allows her to do that?

If it was a random like a friend of a friend or a work colleague I can understand just letting it go , but I think when someone who is in essence part of your family calls you something like that it would have been better - and more honest - to have a discussion about it.

I wouldn’t forgive it because she clearly spoke about you like that regularly for it to slip out so easily.

You are a better woman than me.

I wouldnt be in the same room as her.
I agree with your sister the fact she'd say it in his earshot tells you a lot.

I'd have to play into it I think. Next time I see her just greet her as Cunt as if it's her name. "Oh I'm sorry I thought that was how we were addressing eachother now, thought we were kicking it Aussie style!"

Yes @HelloSunshine11 I agree with you. Look I have lived and worked in places that were as rough as a badger’s arse, even then that swear word was not commonly used. Maybe a regional thing but anyway. If your SIL had just said something like ‘oh why can’t the silly woman go by herself to B&Q’ or something like that it would have been fair enough. A PP described that word/person using it as venomous I agree with that. How you deal with it after all this time I don’t know. It should have been tackled head on at the time.

I’ve never called anyone that word in my life, and I can assure you I’ve been on the end of some pretty cunty behaviour so more than a few people would have deserved it.

I applaud you for being polite in the interim, because that would have heralded the end of our relationship had it been me and I’ve have made sure she (and your brother) knew why. I’m not a terribly forgiving person though.

How does your sister feel about her, knowing she said this? Has she also cooled her relationship with her?
Do your parents know?

I literally gasped reading that!

Is she one of those women who is very possessive/insecure, and haaates "her man" doing anything at all for anyone else? I have one of those in my "family" ...

Someone called me a bitch. And I overheard it. Not nice