To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

I think a lot of 40 yr olds are very busy these days and organising a party seems more hassle than it’s worth! I’d rather go for cocktails or a nice meal out with friends

I’ve not been to an adult party in decades. Most people I know celebrate birthdays with a social night out at a bar/restaurant or we all attend an event that’s going on around the time of their birthday.

I used to organise big parties.

They were a massive massive hassle but they were a good way to see rellies and keep up friendships.

Also we had a big garden to have them in - big summer party with bouncy castles etc etc.

Now I'm divorced and live in a much smaller house. No more parties.

I’ve just had one! It was so much fun and lovely getting all my favourite people together in one place at the same time. As an adult it’s rare that happens. Dh and I are having a a holiday just the 2 of us at the end of this week but I really wanted a party so had one of those too.
Chucked a load of money behind the bar, had it catered and we danced and laughed all
night. I wish more people had parties 😂

From my experience you are spot on OP, I remember big parties for my parents 40th, their big wedding anniversaries etc. And I remember going to parties of their friends or my extended family for the same sorts of things.

I think money and space comes into it - my parents lived in a large 4 bed detached house at my age, on one wage, whereas DH and I on two wages are in a 3 bed ex semi. We couldn't host a big party in there if we wanted to! But also I think society has becomes more insular, or more private. My parents expect their wedding anniversary to be celebrates by others, and I have learnt not to forget to give them a card on the day or I will get grumbled at! But for DH and I our wedding anniversary is private, we'd never dream of expecting others to celebrate it with us.

I think people are so flakey these days that they just wouldn't turn up if they didn't feel like it.
Couldn't think of anything worse than a big party - obvs when we got married it was ok but never again.

I remember my mum having a big 50th in a hired hall. And we used to have a house party with the neighbours for new years quite regularly. Our house just isn’t big enough for that but honestly I think times have changed too. I wouldn’t host a party in a big hall these days, people are just too flakey and unreliable. It’d be chasing people, dropping out and a half empty hall by the time we got there.

I turnd 40 in 2021 and we were 'allowed' to have bigger parties again. All I wanted was everyone together, cheap booze (was in the local social club) and loud disco music with a large dance floor. My husband arranged it as a surprise as I didn't think it would be possible. It was AMAZING!
I love a family party but I agree with you, they seem to be less and less now sadly.

I must be lucky to live in a party community! I had a big party for my 40th (function room with bar), we recently hired out part of a pub for our wedding anniversary. In the past 4/5 years I've been to several 40th parties, a couple of 50th and a 60th - all function room with bar types.

Don't go to as many house parties, I did a NYE party at my house in 2019 but it was quite a small one as I've only got a small house.

I also have a friend who throws a charity Christmas party every year!

I love a party!

I think social media living has eroded the physical connections we used to prioritise.

We used to pop around people’s houses. We used to phone on landlines in off peak. We used to send cards.

Now there’s a thread here every day asking if it’s normal to have no friends.

Now, I expect people will clamour to reply “but I go around people’s houses all the time and have 92 best friends!”
OK, yay for you. That is not the default anymore.

So now who (in a housing crisis) has the room and the funds (in a col crisis) to throw parties for all their friends (who can’t be arsed to see you more than once a year) when a party hat emoji and dancing cake gif will suffice?

YANBU at all. I'm 50 and I know precisely two people who had a party for their 50th. One was a 'tea party' in a private room in a restaurant and the other had a do in a bar that they rented out half of for the evening. I considered doing something and I have a friend who kept going on at me to have a party, but I think all the posts on MN saying 'I've been invited to go to X, but now it's come to it I don't want to go. Would it be okay if I bail at the last minute?' put me off. I can't think of anything more utterly depressing than having a party and everyone bailing out at the last minute.

I wouldn’t do it as people wouldn’t turn up and it would be upsetting - why would I set myself up for that?

Yes I think much less people have them now. Likely due to expense and loss of social structure/less people to invite.

I remember my Mums friend renting a marquee for her 40th. There were over 200 people invited. She even invited her bank manager, much to my parent's amusement. It seemed to be a happier time looking back.

I think it might also be different life stages? When my parents were turning 40, my brother and I were in our mid teens - 14-16yrs old and largely left to our own devices on weekends. I'm nearly 40 and I have a 3yr and 6months! I couldn't bear the hassle of sorting out something big for myself when there are the inevitable rounds of kids parties every other weekend in the summer.

This is also a very good point! I am forty and have a ten and five year old, my social life is very much on the back burner and my free time is spent on their extra curriculars / play dates / birthday parties. Most people I know my age are the same.

I went to my nieces 40th at a venue a couple of weeks ago, it was lovely actually, to have all the family and friends together, people travelled from all over the country.

Ive never had a party for myself and when I’m invited I always think I’d rather set fire to my hair and beat the flames out with a hammer.

This. There was a post on here actually about someone who'd planned a big party, double and triple checked people would come before booking and then the day before/day of excuses started trickling in until she was sitting in an empty hall with a load of wasted food....

I only ever had house parties as a student and young 20s. Don't remember my parents ever having one. PIL used to a bit, they had one for their 40th anniversary 11 years ago but I think it was the last one. They used to do a Christmas one every year.

Went to a few 40th birthdays but they were all in pubs or restaurants.

Those two paragraphs make zero sense. You had a lovely time at a party but then say you would rather self harm than go to a party?

Put myself out there to have a big party soon am v nervous!

"I think social media living has eroded the physical connections we used to prioritise.

We used to pop around people’s houses. We used to phone on landlines in off peak. We used to send cards."

Yep

I'm a party thrower!

I have dinner parties about every 6-8 weeks (round a dining table but very informal, often one or other friend will bring dessert or cheeseboard, lots of wine will be drunk, plus a few after dinner cocktails/spirits)

I tend to throw 2 house parties a year, one around Christmas and one in the summer to roughly co-incide with my and DHs birthdays. These tend to be afternoon into evening, and I invite all the neighbours as well as our friends and I take the more the merrier approach. Generally they're busy and lively mid late afternoon, settling down to just a couple of handfuls of people by the evening.

Lots of my friends host dinner parties and some do throw house parties.

I've thrown big parties even when we lived in a teeny tiny house - just buffet on the kitchen counters and people swarming the downstairs.

Some people love hosting, some people not so much.

I have found that people have become more flakey since Covid, and many don't reply to big party invites, which makes it really hard to plan food etc. That said, I'm fortunate enough to have a reliable close knit set of friends that won't let me down, so I have a core group that I know will come if they have said they will.

I have been to a few 40th birthday parties, but all the wild parties I attended were in my 20s and 30s when none of us had children! We were probably going to a party every weekend! Now we are in our early 40s and most have young children or are pregnant so we don’t tend to have big evening parties, more day parties so we don’t have to sort out babysitters. Also a few people moved out of London so logistics are a factor - no more deciding to have a party the day before!

I don’t mind really, I enjoyed the wild parties of my 30s, now it’s nice to do something no different. Maybe we will go back to the wild parties in our 50s/60s!

We still have dinner parties and a big Christmas party though.

I think it used to be more common for 40yr olds to have older children, bigger houses, more money and more time. Now we all have very little ones, we all work more, have less space and things are more expensive. A bit of a downer, but I see why people aren’t really in the mood for parties these days. Social entertaining also seems to be dying out compared to earlier decades – it seems like many people just want a rest.

Saying that I love a dinner party, have a house big enough to host one and could afford it. But I’m very overworked and don’t think I have enough friends who would come!

Is it partly because of the rising age of first time parents? My mum turned 40 when I was 19 so maybe she had more headspace for a party? When I turned 40 I had a 5 year old and a 2 year old. Definitely felt like harder work to organise something big so just had people over for drinks and nibbles. I also think covid has put the kibosh on a lot of parties. I remember my niece having birthday parties to go to every weekend from starting school but it's far less for my own children, even in reception. So maybe a couple of reasons there?

Exactly. Too easy to flake.