To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

I was coming on to say that I think people don't have parties anymore as nobody really enjoys them. Reading the thread, I see I was wrong. Just me then. 😂

DH and I are in this age bracket and I think the reasons are:

Children are comparatively younger. I was 15 and DH was 17 when our mum's turned 40. Most of our friends around 40ish now have very young children, babies or are pregnant.

We live in smaller houses and both parents work. In general we feel time-poor.

We don't live in the area we grew up so no nearby family, we have friends in the area but our friends from school and university are spread all over the country. Conversely our parents all stayed in the area they grew up.

Cost of living. Everything is expensive. My friend hired a hall, got a bouncy castle and did some food for her 5 year old's birthday party and it cost £400. For a standard kids party! If DH or I hired a hall, a band, provided food and alcohol for a 40th birthday party it would probably cost the same as our caravan holiday at Easter does. We'd rather have the holiday!

I’ve only been to a handful of 40th parties.

My friends dad when I was a teenager, we had a separate party upstairs. It was mental as he was the most unsociable person ever, it was all his work colleagues getting pissed.

My SIL. We were made to go. It was on the other side of the country and we had a tiny baby (stayed with MIL). The problem being is that most people they knew had small children and couldn’t/didn’t want to stay that late. They had children very young so were older teens and were very unsympathetic.There was also loads of issues with taxis as they live in a city so people had to travel miles. We were made to stay late to keep the party going. It was a bit crap.

I also had a small child when I turned 40. The idea of having a big party seemed terrible!

Yes we had massive parties , birthdays, anniversary’s, oversees relative visiting, Christmas, Easter, any excuse.
I used to when I was a student but now? Why not? Not sure. Certainly people don’t drink or smoke like they used to which helped the conviviality. My mum would invite anyone she had connected with, I’m just not brave enough to. And would they judge?

Yes, I am early 40s. I had a meal in a pub then back to my house, for drinks and cake for about 35 people in total. When my parents turned 40 they had parties, as did all their friends and all the kids would go. We had ourselves a good old time. Things are definitely different these days. I miss the 90s.

I had a party for my 40th last year because I rarely go to parties anymore and I rarely see certain family members except at funerals. Another friend is having one in December but they’re definitely rarer than they used to be.

I think many 40 year olds now have small children. Babysitters don’t seem to be a thing these days. I was a babysitter at 15 but don’t know anyone with kids that age who are babysitters. My parents had big parties when we were kids. They had street parties. Kids would all end up at one person’s house in the spare room whilst party was happening. Or parents would leave their kids in bed and pop back every now and then. That was the 80s. When my parents had their 40th parties I was an older teen so was able to attend. Held in a function room of a pub. Kidd are often kicked out these days at 9pm if allowed in at all. I think society has changed.

For my 40th I wasn’t going to do anything as I don’t actually drink so my family arranged with me to have an afternoon tea type celebration and invite friends and family. Was a joint thing with my sister as well. The place had a bar but we didn’t pay for the bar to be open and just kept it as afternoon tea for a few hours. It was nice but now my 50th is on the horizon and I’m single, I’m thinking I can’t be bothered anymore.

But it seems kids don’t have 18th parties anymore. They were a huge thing when I was at school. From lower 6th form you went to all the 18th parties for 2 years. All held in social club function rooms. All a mix of family and the school friends. But those have been phased out due to underage drinking.

My brother threw himself a 40th two weeks ago. Brilliant night, extended family all came and stayed in hotels, and his uni friends. Everyone really made an effort to be there. Felt like a fun, informal family wedding!
but, it did cost a lot - the hall, food, booze… and he did a playlist rather than a band/DJ.
so COL is prob making some hesitant. Made me determined to do one for my 50th though!

I am actually relieved if saddened to hear that this is a problem for others. Hubby and I tried to throw a joint 50th some years ago. By the requested date only about a third of people had RSVP-ed. When I chased them there were so many non-commitals that we called it off. It knocked our self esteem, tbh, but I was also appalled by the rudeness of peoplr ignoring an RSVP, clearly stated for catering purposes. Never done more than the odd informal, dinner party since.

Last party in a hall that I went to was before lockdown and was fancy dress
Was a 50th though , maybe people have a bit more money / time / kids a bit more grown up by then? Parties are hard work to organize and expensive. Maybe people just can't be bothered by all the faff ?

@Yoonimum yep- I get that. It's disheartening and if you go ahead you spend time being anxious as to whether people will turn up. Maybe wouldn't have bothered me at 32 but at 62 I know I would be anxious! I always laugh at the one foot in the grave where they do a housewarming party and everyone is in the wrong house!!

In my experience people were a lot more sociable in the 90s, going to pubs to meet friends, hanging out in the front garden chatting with neighbours, talking with people in shops more frequently and building friendships. Now we have multiple social media sites, text messaging, delivery services for pretty much anything and multiple streaming platforms. People aren't out socialising as much and meeting new people. They're social life is through a phone and their entertainment is binge watching Netflix with a take away delivered by Uber Eats. A lot of people would probably struggle to fill a hired room for a party.

I turned 40 last November. The idea of having a big party sounds miserable! The hassle alone would put me off, then theres the ball ache of tidying up afterwards. No thanks!

I think there’s just not much “fat” in everyday life anymore. My parents used to regularly throw dinner parties, a couple a month. The other weekends we were invited somewhere. It was all friends and family, kids of all ages, being carried into the car or bed, asleep. Sundays spent clearing up, resting, watching Sunday night telly etc. Weekends used to feel so long.

There’s just not the headspace or cash or space or energy or time for this anymore. In our circles, parents are too knackered from uber-parenting every day; from work; from commuting; from the news; from duties to other family members who now live miles and miles away. Our communities are fragmented, and so our our lives. We’ve atomised and only come together in small groupings, for short periods of time, occasionally. We’d rather spend any free time and money traveling abroad than seeing friends who we can spend 3 hours and a couple of hundred quid on in one outing to feel “all caught up” on each other.

I had a big 50th party this year and found it really stressful. It was lovely so many people came but I didn’t really enjoy it so have vowed not to have another one.

This is not my lived experience, many adult parties.

Last party I went to was for my hubbys friends 40th, hardly anyone showed up as it was a freezing cold, November night. They had to blow that dry ice around to make it look as though there was people there 😔
Think more people tend to go abroad to celebrate big birthdays these days

Yes. I'm tired and a big party is expense and hassle. Nice meal out with friends be more than enough 🥰

@Onlyonekenobe yep-

I don't think people are socialising less, just differently. Eating out has replaced dinner parties. So where people may have hosted twice a month, they now meet their friends for brunch or dinner twice a month.

I personally much prefer going to a restaurant then onto a bar or two, than going round to someone's house for dinner (barbecues in summer being an exception). Hosting can be stressful so it's nice to go out so that everyone can relax. Also the sense of not knowing where the night might take you, who you might meet, how big a night it becomes is really exciting. There's less spontaneity with a dinner party.

I personally much prefer going to a restaurant then onto a bar or two, than going round to someone's house for dinner

Yes, me too. Would far rather go out and about to a nice restaurant/bar than to a party in a hall or at someone's house. It feels much more relaxed and you can go on somewhere else or leave early - there is more freedom in it.

Of course house size matters! you can't have 40-50 people in a small one/two bedroom flat for example. It would just be cramped and uncomfortable.

Re flakiness, it’s mobile phones that are to blame for this. Previously you would have had to actually speak to the host and explain you weren’t coming. Or just not show up which would have been considered incredibly rude. Now you can just send a text and you are off the hook.

As someone who just threw a party for my 50th a couple of weeks ago, I can't tell you how much fun it was and how lovely to see all my friends. Started planning it in January when I sent a save the date out - held at a local hotel - treated it as a reunion as sorts and it was just so wonderful to see everyone. I saved each month to afford the venue and DJ - asked people not to give gifts as conscious of cost of people travelling and staying over etc. Life is too short - throw the damn party!

Girl after my own heart wench!