To think adults don’t throw parties anymore?

[Lemonadeand]

A lot of our friends are turning 40 this year, or had their fortieth birthday in the last couple of years. Some of them, including very sociable/outgoing people, when I asked if they were going to have a party just laughed and ended up having very small dinner parties if anything.

I remember for my parents’ 40th birthdays back in the ‘90s they threw massive house parties. Similarly many of their friends. And for big anniversaries there were big, more formal parties such as a whole pub rented out etc.

Then on Mumsnet, posters are often very dismissive of adult birthdays. Someone posted about their planned anniversary party and most responses were telling them not to bother, it’s too much expense and hassle, just have a nice holiday instead.

So have parties for adults just gone out of fashion? Is it cost of living/ smaller houses?

YABU: Parties for adult birthdays were never a thing/ they are still a thing.

YANBU: There are fewer big parties for adults than there used to be.

I love parties but do think that the expectations and cost of parties have gone up massively. A party these days is like a wedding of 20 years ago.

Lots of sensible responses on here! Yes I think it’s a combination of things: people being more flakey, people having families later and having smaller houses, lack of social confidence. Just changing culture, I guess.

I threw a huge party for my 40th in 2016. Hired a hall. Catered. Gave people a few months notice. Lots of yes RSVPs.

Then on the day I had a slew of texts saying "sorry, can't make it. Have fun." Over half the guests who'd already said yes backed out on the day.

I had spent £100s on the evening. Whilst I still had a great time, it was tarred by the cancellations. Particularly as the hall was rather empty.

Never again.

It's true...I remember my mum's 40th..she had a big party.

None of my friends did.

I think a few reasons. I think people nowadays feel like if they do a party, everything my must be perfect, their house, their decor etc so it's too much pressure. Also people have smaller homes nowadays....oh and cost, booze and food for a large number of people is so expensive

I sm slightly envious of you.

Do you live near your family and where you grew up?

We have moved around a bit. Our friends and family are scattered and neither of us have much family left. I also have a deeply unsociable husband who never made the effort to make friends when we moved to our current house. Everyone we socialise with is through people I have made an effort with.

The last party we had pre COVID, was catered a tea room provided the food. Having all the cleaning, shifting furniture was enough work.

Used to have a mums group, birthdays we all got together, then it became lunches, nowadays it's a what's app message.

Very sad but what can you do.

They were never a thing, in my experience. I'm happy to say that I probably haven't been to a party in nearly 40 years!

It's true I think. I have lots of friends and see them often for theatre, drinks etc but hardly ever get invited to parties. One of my friends organised a party for her 50th in 2022 and that must be the last party I went to. (Unless they're all having parties and just not inviting me, of course...)

I did actually organise a lunch party for my 40th shortly before Covid and it was really lovely. But exhausting!

Totally agree. People are massively flakey.

I work in an industry where we get invited to some really nice networking type events, free food, drinks, great venues. Everyone always says yes, they’ll come - and without fail, as the event draws near, people drop out. I used to then not go too, but now I just turn up anyway - there’s generally someone I know there, and if not the whole point is for the hosts to schmooze, so you’ll always end up talking to someone. If the event is bad, you just slip out.

I’ve no idea why people say yes in the first place.

Yes! I remember my parent’s great parties of the 80s and 90s. All at home and often to celebrate birthdays or something. Lots of music, booze and food.

I love having parties, but not for birthdays. To me those are two very separate things. On birthdays I want to do things that are purely fun/self indulgent/ interesting for me, not be thinking about how much ice to buy and whether my widely-scattered friendship groups will get along.

I think it’s very true that 40 yos now are at quite a different life stage to our parents (mind you, I’m nearly 46)

Also i think we didn’t really get going again fully after Covid - some people did obviously, but parties as a big thing seem to have tapered off. That and the cost of living of course.

I agree. Other than a few family parties I don’t think I’ve been to a party thrown by friends since their 21sts and we’re now in our 50’s

We are a very social bunch but tend to see what’s going on around our birthdays and getting together for that. But we have always been ‘going out to socialise’ people rather than visiting each others homes. I’ve never hosted or attended a dinner party in my life - we go out to eat. So birthdays tend to be finding someone to dance with a few drinks rather than throwing a party.

Absolutely agree. The internet, and social media in particular, has completely fucked our ability to be around each other. It's beyond sad.

I’ve just turned 40 and the last thing I wanted was a big party - possibly because my job is throwing parties for other people so I know what a faff they can be and the expense of them.

I did however have the most amazing holiday with my partner which was far more memorable for me - I feel that throwing a party would have been to please everyone else rather than what I actually wanted to do.

I have a couple of friends who are party people they had 40ths, 50ths, big christenings,etc, but that's not me. I hate being the centre of attention.
I also agree that it's older parents. I was 20 when my Dad was 50 and 23, when my mum was. DS was 11 and 12 for us. Different life stages.

I threw a big surprise party for DH’s 40th. I hired out a large room in our favourite bar and arranged food etc. it was brilliant. For his 50th this year, I hired out a property and everyone came for the weekend. Again, it was fantastic.

I’ve been lucky because he’s very popular and people will turn up. Another two birthday parties I was invited to, had hardly anyone show up and it was so sad.

Yes definitely my parents used to host big parties. Not just birthdays (in fact they didn't really celebrate those) but sometimes no occasion needed! And they'd go out to parties too. Now at most it's out to dinner with a few friends - in fact the only proper party I've been to in the last few years is a joint 60th this summer.

I'm about to turn 60 and people are asking if I'm having 'a do'. I've never had 'a do' in my life, so that's a resounding no! I doubt anyone would bother turning up as it's November and will be cold, dark and wet - I probably wouldn't turn up myself to be fair 🤣

I’d love to have more parties! We have the space for the actual party but because we’ve moved around a bit for work we don’t have many local friends so people would either be travelling a fair distance or have to get accommodation which is a big ask when COL is as high as it is. Also, the flakes! So many people just don’t show up to things any more! Having said that we hosted a BBQ for DF 80th over the summer, loads of family came and it was a lovely day but it took so much organising to get a suitable date for most people, everyone is so much busier than they used to be

I've seen too many of my friends try to host parties and get really upset by all the people flaking or close family and friends that couldn't be bothered to begin with. It's put me right off attempting one myself.

Most of my friends and acquaintances don't celebrate birthdays at all these days. Before, they'd put an invite out for drinks at a pub, but now it feels like no one bothers. It's a real shame. I would love to have had a big celebration for my 40th but don't know enough people to pull it off.

I find the whole confidence thing interesting. People worried about being the centre of attention - at my party I never am! People are FAR too busy talking to each other, but I guess that’s what comes of having had the party for the last 15 years every year - they all know each other now. They didn’t to start with - it was DH friends and mine 😂

What changed? COVID years. One year - 2021 I think? We weren’t in lockdown but lots of people were still nervous. Only about half came that year and that’s when the two groups really started mingling. They look forward to seeing each other now once a year at the party. 😊

I also like to mix it up and invite a few extras every few years. Got about 6 newbies coming this year so I’ll up my hostessing around them to make sure they are comfortable (although they know other people there).

I don’t worry about being judged as everyone is just so bloody grateful to be at a party, which as this thread shows are rarer than hens teeth these days. Also as I’m not catering most of it they judge each others food 😂. It’s a good convo starter “what did you bring?” etc followed by a lengthy chat about how amazing the Thai lettuce cups are etc.

People didn't all live in big houses but in the days long before social media there were more parties eg for silver wedding anniversaries as well as big birthdays.

They were held in a hall or hotel and were saved up for as people didn't go out much otherwise.

We threw a large party in my husband's home country a few years ago, to celebrate various of our "milestone" birthdays all at the same time, and quite a few friends came over from the UK to help us celebrate, which was great, but quite a one-off for us, really - the last one we'd thrown there was for our child's christening, 20 years earlier . We are hoping to have a Christmas party this year to celebrate buying a new house (if we've got the keys by then, that is!). I think it all depends on circumstances and time of life - we just celebrated my husband's recent birthday by taking some friends out for brunch and then birthday cake and bubbles afterwards, but we're lucky enough (and old enough) to be able to afford to do this.
Does anyone boogey any more?