To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

She was just making conversation.

Maybe it's just me then! I hate this level of nosiness so much but maybe that is just what people consider free-for-all topics of conversation?

I'd think she didn't care and was making conversation

Since we had trouble having our own family I have learnt to not ask these sorts of questions. However, it was someone trying to kill time and start a conversation with you on a fairly 'safe' (and obvious) topic. She was trying to be friendly no doubt.

I'd let it go.

Starting to think I ABU.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone I wasn't good friends with this question, even before I had kids.

I am absolutely planning to have more, but have had several miscarriages and trouble having the second, so not sure if a third will be possible and definitely don't want people to be aware I'll be trying.

Maybe I have become oversensitive to this topic.

Definitely over sensitive - perfectly normal school-gate small talk.

If you don’t like strangers commenting on your family planning I’m not sure having a third kid is going to be much fun for you. People will comment, a lot. Even though they actually don’t care at all.

I wouldn't think any of it. Normal conversation, hear these comments every day. You're being too sensitive about this because you can always say you have no idea or just lie and say whatever. Think of it as talking about the weather at a bus stop, this is school gate small talk.

Why does the conversation need to be made?

Yes we should all stand silently like robots and not engage or interact with others…

😭
I just sort of want to be left alone and not asked. Do people like being asked this stuff or chatting about it with people you hardly know?

Wouldn't you consider it a bit too personal?

I'd much prefer that to people being rude and asking personal questions.

I don't mind chatting about other stuff and talk to people at the gates all the time. Our kids are both in nursery so there are lots of cute kid related topics to talk about.

But there are things I'd never bring up like religion, politics, and anything too personal.

I used to ask these sorts of questions all the time because I was trying for more children and genuinely curious about how other people made these decisions. Nobody acted offended and if they were they were very polite and patient with me.
More and more people are now on a spectrum or just socially awkward so i think it’s good to encourage this sort of chat rather than get offended

She was making conversation, your answer doesn’t actually matter to her. You are being over sensitive, she wasn’t grilling you. People ask me sometimes if I’m going to have a second, I don’t mind at all.

She really couldn't care less. You are acting like a snowflake

I definitely get where you're coming from. However, like others have said, she is probably just trying to make conversation nd avoid awkward silence.

Some people are completely unaware these types of conversation can feel intrusive for many. You are very much entitled to your feelings but, on this occasion, I'd try not to hold it against her.

If you dint like the question op....just say 'oh time will tell. Anyway have you got any holidays planned? '

I get asked stuff I don't line but you just need to bat the question away and change the subject.

All the best with your pregnancy x

To clarify, I wouldn’t ask someone that wasn’t a good friend that, and especially not at the school gates (although I personally never minded being asked if we wanted a third since the answer was a cheerful, uncomplicated no). But third babies are relatively unusual, enough to make you conspicuous, these days and yes, I think people will expect you to be happy to chat about the size of your family in varying degrees of detail.

People are just trying to connect with other people. She wasn’t trying to be intrusive. Just to chat. Your experience of miscarriage is probably what is making this seem like a bigger deal. I used to be asked about having more, not anymore as I’m too old to have more. My experience shaped having only one child. It smarted. But the people weren’t to know.

I was the school mum who stood alone while waiting to collect my child because I don't like small talk with people I don't know, however, I would get myself wound up about it, she was just filling space with conversation!

I have to say I think asking people with one child whether they’re going to have a second is worse and more intrusive than asking someone with 2+ whether they’ll have any more.

Interestingly most of the initial responses I’ve read say YABU but I actually disagree. However I don’t have children and am in my late 30s so I think that’s made me particularly sensitive to the issue. I don’t ask anyone these questions, unless they’re a close friend and the conversation is initiated by them (most of my close friends do have children / are trying). Maybe my perspective is just different because I’m not a parent.

YANBU at all. Someone who you don’t know well could ask any number of questions to make conversation that isn’t weirdly personal! ‘How are you feeling/have you found out the sex of the baby/ is your daughter excited about being a big sister’ - all less invasive chitchat!

I agree with you,mOP. It is a very personal question. She might as well have asked which religion you practiced!
But some people, for a myriad o creasons, fail to recognise social boundaries, or have not been taught when and where certain topics are off-limits.