To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

What you are also failing to realise, OP, is that her question was really code for “how are you feeling?”, something you have just talked about on here. “Will you have any more?” anticipates an answer along the lines of “ well I’m knackered and cannot wait for this to be over, can’t see myself doing it again” or “I’m loving this pregnancy, would happily do it again”, though probably the most likely answer she anticipated was “Ha ha who knows, let’s see how this one goes first!”. Sounds like you see everything in a very literal way.

As an aside, I’m actually really happy to see all the responses on here confirming it’s just normal small talk, as Mumsnet is far too often an echo chamber for people who have disproportionate fears of interacting with anyone outside their family.

Hardly invasive!
Get over it

Well said!

How would people feel if someone started asking you questions about other areas people consider private. Like how much does your house cost? What is your and your partner's salaries?

Not in the least bothered?

My house price is on public information just like everyone elses. You can see it right there on rightmove sold prices.

The job ad for my current job was posted publicly with the salary on, plus there are loads of websites that give you estimates and they are pretty accurate. I'd happily tell someone what i earned. Cultures of pay secrecy tend to negatively impact women, disabled people, and lower earners generally so i really dislike it.

Once again, it’s all about context. The question was asked to someone visibly pregnant and the questioner knew that she already had an older child.

Completely different.

YANBU - it’s no one’s business, no one knows what anyone else is going through with fertility or finances or relationships when it comes to having children. There are SO many other things to politely chat about at the school gate.

@YourLastNerve

Surely this is just the basics of social interaction? A smile and a bit of chat about whatever situation you find yourself in. You don’t have to pick a “topic” as such you just shoot the breeze.

I don’t consider any topic to be off limits and would happily talk to anyone about anything from politics to the weather when I knew I was on safe ground.

Going in at a first meeting with a question about someone’s fertility is crashingly insensitive though. I can’t believe people can’t see that.

Eh? It’s just normal conversation! Weird reaction .

The gender/sex question should be avoided. The baby may have potential sex development disorder.

That's a good point. It's sensitive to me for all kinds of reasons. But I don't think people are rude to ask. They don't know and are just trying to make chit chat.

Note to self: Don't try and make conversation with the grumpy looking pregnant woman!!

When I told my old boss that I was pregnant with DC1 his first question was whether it was planned 😂 I was 30 and had been married for 3 years so probably a good guess that it was planned. And even if it hadn’t been I had to laugh that he thought I’d share that information with him.

I think people genuinely don’t mean to cause offence with these questions, however the best way to shoot them down is probably to say because you’ve had multiple miscarriages it’s not something you feel comfortable talking about.

Basically don't assume baby is going to make it and that mum hasn't recieved bad news.

Not nosiness, she was just clumsily making conversation. I doubt she’ll ever think about you and your family planning again.

Whilst the question landed intrusively, i think you have to focus on how it was intended (to not be permanently offended by something). I think her intention was superficial chit chat ie oh look lady with bump mind blurts out question about bump. Maybe she got it wrong-we all do
Sometimes as we cant conduct thorough analysis every time we open our mouth. Or we would stand in silence for fear of offending others.

She meant absolutely nothing by it and you are using a lot of energy raging about this.

I’m really sorry you’ve had a tough time. This is a fairly ordinary conversation at the school gate. People do typically share with each other to pass the time and be friendly. Personally I was quite open about my miscarriages so would have answered something like “yes, we would but this baby is a bit of a miracle so we will have to wait and see”

I have had a question about salary raised - multiple times - by another new mum it turned out but that's just because that's who I was meeting as new people - which I thought was very much invasive and entirely judgemental.

I am fairly sure what they were really trying to find out was do you earn more or less than me and by how much. They also asked on a separate occasion in what I think they deluded themselves into thinking was a plausibly deniably roundabout way, what my partner earned.

Not related, and a different person. But these invasive questions can be fairly judgemental.

I had 6 cycles of ICSI with immune therapy and many miscarriages. I don't find the question she asked, in a school playground, offensive or ignorant. There are many more questions that are offensive and ignorant to ask couples going through IVF. Mainly 'why don't you have kids', which I was asked repeatedly. But I was incredibly open surrounding my infertility because the inaccuracies and made up beliefs need stopping.

Its not really a question about fertility when someone is visibly very pregnant is it.

I actually found it helpful when i had a few miscarriages that people talked/shared. I needed to tell people i wasn't ok, and it helped me a lot that people ask how i was, shared their own stories etc.

That's a huge assumption. It is absolutely a question of fertility. I had 4 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy.

Life is too short to be bothered by these sorts of questions. It was just small talk and she probably went into auto convo mode when she saw your bump.

Honestly, just chat away. Ohh well seehow it goes…blah blah

people are miserable these days!

I am fairly sure what they were really trying to find out was do you earn more or less than me and by how much. They also asked on a separate occasion in what I think they deluded themselves into thinking was a plausibly deniably roundabout way, what my partner earned.

I wouldn't really care if they did want to find out if i earned more or less than them. I'm not embarrassed either way and its just a fact. I know what most of my friends earn because at various points they've asked, and shared what they earn. Those questions probably were curiosity driven. I don't really care about anyone "judging" me, I'm happy in myself so it doesn't really matter to me how other people judge things.

I did, but people talked about issues with their current babies. I didn't feel like I was constantly asked invasive questions at all. Other mums shared what they wanted to share, often much more private than things I would share but didn't ask me really invasive personal questions in my opinion. I think might have sometimes got these, I can't remember but not on the whole.

I don't usually encounter people who ask questions like this, except my close friends and my family, and for them it's different as we're good friends.

If someone doesn't have children, I don't ask about children. They could be infertile, having IVF or simply don't want kids and are sick of people asking.
However, if someone's pregnant I think it's OK to ask if they're done or night want more.