To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

I get that maybe I am offended by this where others wouldn't be, but I'm not sure I'm desperate to be offended and all questions are ok and on the table.

How would people feel if someone started asking you questions about other areas people consider private. Like how much does your house cost? What is your and your partner's salaries?

Most people I know would be offended by these questions and think it's strange to ask. Isn't this just another question like that?

I wouldn’t ask someone I wasn’t close with about their family planning-I’m also third trimester and I don’t even like strangers asking about my pregnancy. I had a late miscarriage with my first pregnancy, and I find the question “is it your first” very upsetting, I never know whether to say it’s my 2nd pregnancy but first to get to this stage. You’re perfectly reasonable to be upset. You just have to decide whether to be honest - I’ve been trying to be honest as I think people need to learn the honest answer. Especially people that haven’t experienced miscarriages or fertility difficulties

Normal question to make conversation and not stand there silent. Yabu

exactly. Some people here have no concept of boundaries and appropriate small talk.

As a manager at work I have so many times over the years has to try and manage situations where someone has got offended at something that someone else thought was completely innocuous.
We are all different and some people just do take offence and get angry at anything.
I used to be in a group for twin parents. There was a woman there who was angry that someone had said ‘Oooh which is the evil one?’ .
It’s just one of the five basic things people say when they see twins. The rest of us were all a bit embarrassed for her.
School friend mums have been so incredibly important to me over the years and those friendships started with chatting at pick up.
Am now conscious that some people don’t want their obvious pregnancies referred to and some would probably be offended if I didn’t mention it 😭.

@peppermintteacup I agree with you that some of those topics are very private, but to others they openly talk about them with anyone that will listen. I suppose what people deem to be a private topic is individual.

I don’t suffer from the standard phobia of “school gate mums” on here and have no problem with people making small talk.

But I think asking people about their fertility and family planning is breathtakingly stupid and insensitive.

The risk of it being a tricky subject is sky high. Who would do that?

People are so bloody sensitive.
She's just making small talk. You say
'Let's see how er get on with this one first!'
If you don't want to give an actual answer.

I think you're overreacting. It was small talk and I'm sure she doesn't care either way.

Everyone is different. My last 2 children are IVF and I've got a big gap between the first and the last 2 but I've never been offended by the "are you having more" etc questions. I've never minded chatting openly about things but if I didn't want to engage, there are many ways to shut down the conversation without being rude.

There's being nosy and just trying to make conversation. I find mostly it's the latter and people don't really care about your answers, they're just trying to pass some time and look interested.

I get that some people are over sensitive about certain things but it would be a shame if everyone just stood in silence, too afraid to talk about anything in case they were hitting a nerve.

If it's a conversation you don't feel like having just respond non committal and redirect like.. oh we haven't really decided yet.. . Did you see the notice about x? (Did you see it will rain all week etc) or ask we haven't really decided yet what about you?

When a school mum friend of mine was pregnant with no four. I gave her a hug and said congratulations and she burst into tears and told me "you are the first to congratulate me everyone else is going "What another one" few years later when I was expecting no 4 I experienced the same thing.

She's just making conversation, I'm sure she genuinely doesn't give a shit about how many kids you want or have.

That's a normal mum question. No-one really likes it. It is nosy .
I'm well into my 40s with teens and still get of my sil when am I going to have another.
I could not make it more clear I don't want more . Yet some people just love talking about that stuff

Perhaps asking about holidays is a sensitive topic for some people...

Asking a non- pregnant parent if an only child if they plan to have any more is completely different to asking a visibly pregnant woman about to have a second whether they are thinking about having even more kids. Very few people ever get upset about not being able to have a third child.

School gate small talk, she's not actually remotely interested in how many kids you have. Respond with suitably vague 'couldn't think of any more at the moment ha ha ha'.

I have three boys and always get asked if I'm going to try for a girl ' ha ha ha, I've already got my hands full'.

Just things people say.

For most people:

OK question: would you like a big family?
Not ok: what sexual position did you conceived with?

You are definately over reacting. That's a normal conversation that millions of people have every day.

God, it can be exhausting as people are so easily offended. How on earth do you expect other people to know what is off limits for you to talk about?

Sorry, yes - yabu. Why are people so desperate to be offended by everything?

She's being friendly just tell her you don't like people and want to be left alone that should get rid of her

@Starlight7080

Yet some people just love talking about that stuff

Urgh yes I hate people who go straight in with questions about your family, your marriage the first time they talk to you. Apart from being potentially intrusive it also implies that that’s the only thing women have to talk to each other about.

Prying and unimaginative.

Well, it’s either that or the weather, so ………
Look, she doesn’t care about the answer. She doesn’t care if you have one kid or fifty and she likely won’t even recall your answer so you are overthinking that aspect. Maybe other ‘kid topics’ that interest you don’t interest her, so she sticks to the safe stuff which is the weather or something obvious in front of her that is not the weather, which is pretty obviously something you try to avoid as it indicates you really don’t care.

You are being over sensitive, its just friendly chat. Babies/children etc are usually a happy topic.

Honestly these days some people almost have nothing they are willing to chat about, they are quite anti social.

They are often the same people who then whinge they've no friends & have "no-one" to help drop a child to school in an emergency.

People make conversation like this to be friendly, to get to know you, to form friendships.

Urgh yes I hate people who go straight in with questions about your family, your marriage the first time they talk to you. Apart from being potentially intrusive it also implies that that’s the only thing women have to talk to each other about.

Honestly what is ok to talk about?

Politics - No!
Work/job - often no - boring if you don't work in the same sector
Friends/mutual friends - no, or perceived as gossipy
Family/kids - apparently no, you think thats intrusive
Hobbies - can be boring if people don't share them

I like talking about my family kids. Sharing and talking is a factor in forming close friendships

I thought this was a basic shared cultural norm.

Big life questions and medical questions are off limits.

OP I 100% agree with you & all the people here saying - relax, you're over-reacting, it's a totally normal question are probably the ones going around asking wildly personal questions at the school gates!

We had a dreadful run of it fertility wise trying to have a second baby with losses & iui & ivf all unsuccessful. And I remember one v insensitive school run mother quizzing me about it at the drop off to a birthday party & I went back to the car & cried.

These questions are not normal chat they're invasive & deeply personal & anyone who thinks it's good topic for idle chit chat really needs to work on their social skills.

We never did manage to have a second child & have endured such a lot of stupid comments over the years.

Honestly I don't think most of the women (& it was always women in my case) who had multiple kids would have liked me asking them somoe of the questions I could have asked!

I have never & will never ask anyone about their family planning.