To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

Aww, that's different then. I totally get why those comments would sting. I was meaning more the people that only wanted one, yet others assume they'll have more, as though one is just the start and not a choice!

It probably won't lessen your pain, but there's a lot to be said for having an only. I had one for 16 years and our bond is so strong. He never seemed to miss out not having siblings. He has 2 now, but obviously the age gap is such that it's not the same relationship as he would have had had he grown up with them.

I assumed as that poster didn't understand why people didn't think her family was complete with one, therefore I thought it was her choice.

I tried for 10+ years for more children, so I do understand to some extent. In these situations I'd just say "hopefully" and leave it at that. However, in OP's situation where she's obviously pregnant, I guess people feel more "safe" asking questions about more children.

I get your reasoning. I personally would prefer not to do the mental gymnastics to figure out what was a safe question and how to word it to not cause offence. There are so many other things to make small talk about.

I think a lot of people struggle with small talk and feel awkward with silence so often blurt something out... anything! If it's not pissing down or blazing sun, a baby bump is an opener. "When's it due" and even "did you find out the sex?" etc. The latter being quite intrusive but leads on to more chit chat, "oh I never found out with any of mine either" blah blah. Just mindless convo to pass the time and seem interested when you're not really at all 😂

Just to be clear I am not the person that asks these questions and don't generally instigate any chats in the playground. I don't care if anybody asks me anything though and just answer accordingly if I don't feel like sharing.

Sounds like she was just making small talk.

This.

I asked a Mum at the school gates what school her elder child was going to after the 11+ exams while waiting for our children (both in younger years) because I had nothing else to say to her. She was so rude and acted like if I’d insulted her entire family. I didn’t care what school it was, I was making conversation. I haven’t made that mistake with her again!

It seems strange to me that 'no' is uncomplicated and 'yes' by implication is complicated. You might have accidentally become pregnant with your third whilst meeting same mums at same school gates 🤷 Just a ponder really about why potentially 3 or more children is seen as somehow complicated

This

I would class that as nosy and rude OP. I used to have moms like this that I don’t now well ask why they was a 5 year gap between my daughters. When I replied I had a miscarriage in between they left it at that. No friendly conversations afterwards, no getting to know me.

I understand! I have a very big family and had so many negative comments in the past that I now lie about how many dc I have (the older ones are adults now so it’s easy - just to avoid the judgement!)

I can’t imagine if I told the truth that it would go down well as to why I have a huge family so I avoid it as I’m acutely aware that I can’t take criticism

She's just making conversation i am from the north it's a thing that happens a friendly chat why are folks so fucking up themselves so much now. Are you from the south by the way . Like why are people so fuckibg combative the art of conversation seems dead. It's just a question maybe a bit nosey but it's a thing that mums say

Millennials - "I take offence at anything and anyone. You name it, I'll take offence"
Keep on saving for a house 😄

Aren't you precious?

I recommend the phrase 'I haven't decided, but when I do, you'll be the first to know'.

I think I'd tell them you plan on 8, but can go higher!

Yes you are. Very odd response from you.

I remember the practice nurse asking me this when she was doing my smear!
I just laughed and took it as a compliment!
There was no malice intended just conversation and a bit of intrigue

Oh dear buckle in buttercup you definitely have a lot of years of people just making pleasantries with you at the school gates, can anyone do anything without someone getting offended these days 🙄 humungous eyeroll

I think because of your losses you are more sensitive and that is ok. Many people have 3 kids with no problem and lucky them. But once you have experienced baby loss then every subsequent pregnancy is a worry right up until birth.
if you don’t know her that well just say that it’s a possibility as I’m sure I will have sex again in the future.

I hate the question of “just the one child?”

if people ask me about children I say I have one living child.

years ago my dad’s then GF lost her oldest child in car accident right after getting A level results. Load of teenage boys in car and then her younger boy died suddenly at 19. Just went to bed and died. She tried saying no when asked about kids but this led to questions about why she chose not to have kids from people she just met. So now she says no living children

so it is intrusive to ask questions about kids and plans

I do feel questions like this can be a bit invasive.

Having had multiple miscarriages before my second pregnancy, I would have found this triggering…I’d have wanted to shout ‘of course I’d love to have more after this one but three years, fertility support and five losses means I have no choice, but thanks for asking’.

However, I’m sure it was just intended to be small talk and was inadvertently nosy. I’d let it go if you can.

I would find it intrusive and nosey. I'm really surprised by the responses here.

It's good to talk!

Seriously though, if people didn't talk and have conversations how would they get to know each other?

In this case OP is annoyed and thats her valid feeling. But someone else might be happy to have a conversation about it and maybe that could lead to other topics, maybe friendships even.

What might be a sensitive topic to one person might not be for another. It's hard to avoid everything.

It’s rude, I agree.

I’d be tempted to innocently reply, “not with my current husband” just to mess with her.

I personally wouldn’t care about that particular question because I’m very happy to tell people that we’re definitely done having kids. But there’s other questions I’d find triggering that other people would say was being over sensitive.