To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

It’s a normal everyday occurrence. Not needed, but happens all the time.

i think you’re way over thinking this OP.

I’m 31 weeks pregnant with my second and get asked sometimes if “it was planned?” I find it hilarious! People don’t actually care… they are just probably like a lot of us and slightly awkward and making conversation.

Everyone has a right to share as much or as little as they want to of their own personal life. But I don’t think we have the right to police other people on what they can and cannot say (within reason).

Some people are very open about and not fazed at all about these kind of questions and some view it as smalltalk. Some people don’t want to discuss these things with people they don’t know and might feel uncomfortable. That’s fine.

If you don’t want to share this information with someone or you don’t want to answer questions that you feel are too personal then don’t elaborate or answer. Shrug and change the subject or say something along the lines of what you said. I haven’t thought about it or I don’t know.

I don’t think she deserves an angry response or to be judged harshly or accused of being nosy. It would be different if after you fobbed her off she continued to dig. That would be pushing the boundaries and not respecting your decision to not elaborate. That’s when I would call someone nosy.

I 100% agree. As someone who has one child and only in my 20s, I don't think I'll be able to have another due to many reasons. Having an only child is a more touchy subject than having 2+ children and being asked if you want more. I don't think this mum was being rude to OP.

There won't have been any malice in it - she's just tried to make conversation. If you don't want to enter into a conversation, you can just politely deflect and end the interaction.

😱
Ok I am obviously very sensitive because I think I'd want to punch someone who said this to me!

To be clear, I never ever would or would say anything other than an "oh, what a question!" type answer out loud. I am very polite.

But in my head I would be livid and mentally swearing to myself!!

I’m with you OP, totally personal question that I wouldn’t ask anyone. My chit chat with a pregnant school run mum goes: how exciting, have you found out the sex, is your child excited, can I help with the school run when little one is born (god forbid we actually help one another rather than making inane and possibly offensive chit chat).

@peppermintteacup sorry for your losses hen 💐
It's completely unreasonable of you to be so pissed off by idle chit chat and I reckon you're aware that's the case, but after losses and being hormonal with pregancy hormones, you're understandably and reasonably not wanting to discuss your future fertility journey with strangers.
She wasn't trying to upset you, she really was just making conversation.
Being a school mum is quite awkward, some mum's are in a clique, some lonely, some standoffish and some share as much as possible to find common ground that leads to friendship. She might just be navigating the complexity of knowing what to say to make a friend.

I hope everything goes smoothly with your pregnancy and any you may have in the future 🙏🏼

It is ignorant to ask those questions. You could have had IVF to be pregnant.

I'd never ask someone I didn't know very well whether they were having children/ having more children. But then I've had fertility issues and I think that makes you sensitive to questions like that.

I'm sure she was just making awkward school gate chat and didn't think anything of it. I'd just laugh and say "well I'm focusing on having this one first".

Exactly! What's the gender? Does your child know/understand what's happening? Are they excited about having a little brother or sister? Have you set up the nursery? etc

So many non invasive questions you could ask if you wanted idle chit chat and someone is visibly very pregnant. Easy conversation starters!

We normally chat about what our kid has painted at nursery that day, oh I wonder if so and so has eaten all their blueberries. Ok it's not the most exciting thing to chat about, but most people love talking about their cute little kids. I have no objection to this topic at all.

I take the point someone made about hormones playing a part. Hormones and a general feeling of being done with this pregnancy and having to roll to get up out of bed has definitely shortened my fuse! (Again, only in my head! I'm polite to people in person even if I feel upset).

It is normally conversation, see also-
Are you breastfeeding?
Will you be going back to work? Etc

Have another and where I live you would probably get asked if the tv works in your house!

I dislike the - are you planning to have kids/when will Johnny be getting a brother or sister ? Type questions. Very tactless with no consideration for fertility issues.

Thing is op, what you have deemed safe and cute subjects for small talk might be triggering for someone else as you don’t know what hidden issues people or their kids are dealing with. The point being, if we all tip toed around too much, nobody would ever speak or connect to each other ( yes, I can see that some on this thread would prefer that 😁).

If they didn't ask questions you would accuse them of being bitchy and ignoring you

School seems to turn parents into worse than children on the playground

I really think we need to normalise not asking these sorts of questions.

When I only had DD1, we were constantly asked if we were going to have any more. I had a MC and then a year of TTC (barely any time at all in comparison to some people) and I really struggled. Every time people asked, I just wanted to cry.

Since I was pregnant with DS (our third) and after he was born, people have felt they can make comment about that and how we should have 4 instead. DS and I nearly died during his birth so he is categorically our last. I don’t want to get into that conversation with every random person who can’t think of anything but my fertility to talk about.

I think it's rude but she was probably desperately trying to think of something to talk about so you weren't all stood in awkward silence yet again.

I really wouldn't. I err on the side of non invasive. For example I could have asked her straight back are you planning a second? But I didn't, because I don't want to force someone to give away information to me on that topic. Even if they don't answer, their reaction gives something away about how they feel about it and I don't want to put them in that position.

Some people don't chat at all and I don't think they're being rude. They're just busy or have their own lives to deal with. I don't think people that don't chat at the school gates are not nice people.

This 100%

Relax -its just small talk

We don't need to normalise not asking it should be the default. We need to make asking it un normal. Weird. Intrusive.

That small talk can be really upsetting for some people. Why does that just get dismissed. Relax....let them ask stupid questions that could hurt you for days after..... bizarre attitude

These sorts of questions were normal conversation when I was having my babies. I wouldn't think it a big deal. If you don't want to answer just say you haven't decided yet.

I'd even be careful with those questions as you have no idea what's happening with the pregnancy

Those questions are all pretty normative, and just as personal - the conversations you’ve had with your kid around a new baby, how you’ve arranged your home, etc. Things could have gone pretty wrong on both those fronts. Any question can feel personal if it’s a sensitive topic for you.

The trick with small talk is to bat questions away and turn the conversation to something else if you don’t want to answer them. The person asking isn’t expecting you to bare your soul. They’re just looking for a way to make a connection.

Who cares. You’re bored if this has vexed you enough to post on it

This is why not to have conversations at the school gate….
People asking random intrusive questions
People reacting to said questions
its lose lose