To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

I think, as this thread shows, there's huge variation on what people find intrusive or personal. I get why you found that question hard op, you've been through a lot. That doesn't necessarily mean the person asking the question was unreasonable though. We can't expect to go through life never being asked questions on subjects that are hard or sensitive for us. You've probably accidentally put your foot in it too because you're human and you can't anticipate every potential sensitive subject for everyone.

I don't usually encounter people who ask questions like this, except my close friends and my family, and for them it's different as we're good friends.

"Good friends" have to start somewhere.

She's not seriously asking you that question. She's just starting a conversation, admittedly she could have selected a better way to kick off, but she doesn't know you, you don't know her, why would you think otherwise? You are being overly sensitive, let it go.

I get asked on the school run if dd is my only as she’s the only primary schooler and we moved here pretty much with the others in secondary or just about to start so I wasn’t doing school run. Then get asked if we will have more since we already have three.

Doesn’t faze me. I’d find being asked if I rent or own more intrusive 🤷🏻‍♀️😅 once’s sizing up my “worth” the others just talking children.

@autienotnaughty has nailed it. This:

“Thing is op, what you have deemed safe and cute subjects for small talk might be triggering for someone else as you don’t know what hidden issues people or their kids are dealing with. The point being, if we all tip toed around too much, nobody would ever speak or connect to each other ( yes, I can see that some on this thread would prefer that 😁).”

😂
I know I sound really abrasive here but I am genuinely friendly and polite in person. I don't think I looked grumpy and I politely deflected her question, so doubt very much she was even remotely aware she offended me.

I think this was an innocent comment by someone making small talk. But I can see how it hit a nerve OP after four miscarriages. But many of us carry silent sadness around with us. Maybe this person can’t have more children herself and was hoping to hear a “no, two is enough for me”. Or maybe she is considering another and was curious about your thoughts on the subject. Most conversations people have are about themelves in some way.

I was once asked by a school mum I didn’t know well if I had considered a third when my youngest went to school and it was because she had herself and had decided against it. I wasn’t offended at all even though I did desperately want a third at the time and wasn’t going to have one.

I think the key is to approach life & social interactions assuming people have good intentions. Most of the time they are just trying to be friendly and interested, trying to show they care, wanting to help, wanting to get to know you.

If you always assume the worst of people and think everyone is prying, judging, nosy, boasting etc, you are going to spend life being anxious and worrying about other people's reactions all the time, its exhausting and not good for you.

Do you walk through the world eternally out raged? I can’t imagine getting this wound up about a mum just trying to make conversation.

It probably just came out, people give out on mn about people not talking to them at the school gates. She was possibly just making conversation!

People are so sensitive nowadays. You can't ask anything without ending up on mumsnet branded as nosey mom. 🤣

The thing about miscarriages as well is by the time you get to late 30s so many women have had at least one. In my friendship group most of us have had at least two. My gp says stats on miscarriage are outdated and reflect a time when people didn't test for pregnancy until they missed two periods, so lots of miscarriages around 6-8 weeks simply weren't counted, people chalked it up as a very heavy period. It can be really crap but understanding how common it is and that it doesn't mean you'll struggle to have children, can be reassuring.

It can be comforting for lots of people to talk about fertility, childbirth etc as those shared experiences can make you feel less alone.

I’m sorry for your losses Op, I had 3 and they are hard.

But if we went around avoiding conversations so as not to potentially offend someone, then it would make interaction quite hard.

My Mum was absuive, people ask me about my mum, Mother’s Day is really hard for me, people ask about my kids’ grandparents and if they’re involved. They’re personal questions that upset me, but I know people don’t mean anything by it.

We’ve all got things that upset us, but people can’t police their language for each potential eventuality, when would it end?

Why doesn't everyone hand out a list of questions they are allowed to ask, it wouldn't take long

Excellent point. As we've seen stated many times on Mumsnet, people often feel awkward in the playground, not knowing what to say to other parents. If someone asked me that question, I'd assume they were being friendly and trying to make conversation. If I didn't want to talk about it, I could so easily brush it off with "Oh let's see!".
To immediately feel angry and think they're being nosy and then start a thread about it, suggests you're not assuming the best and not really feeling good will towards people. I'd assume it was a clumsy attempt to be friendly and not think any more of it.
When you think about it, any conversation starter can be insensitive: asking someone "Did you go away over the summer?" when that person hasn't been away for ten years and can't afford to pay the bills, for example. Conversations can be a minefield if you don't approach them with the assumption that the other person means well.

Normal conversation. We are social animals who live in communities, on the school run so I assume you are all mothers. People instinctively try to communicate and connect with others over topics they relate to, and reproduction is one of the most basic things we have in common.

Sorry you are so uncomfortable with this op, but it is actually very normal for women, even strangers to talk about these things.

I’m in the “she was just making conversation” camp. She might be considering another. I used to talk to people about that sort of thing when I was.

Why are you so upset about it? Surely a “not even thought about it yet!” And a laugh and it’s over?

I can’t get my head around why the question annoyed you?

Urgh I'd hate to be asked, I particularly hate being asked the same inane question by multiple people. Id come up with a one line proforma answer that made me feel like I was answering and at the same time saying please don't ask/shutting it down.

I've been ttc 3 years, v. recently had a failed ivf, and am currently waiting to miscarry my first spontaneous pregnancy. If someone asked me about my family planning right now (or if I eventually carry till later) I'd be very very angry. But then, I'm pretty angry rn.

You're being uptight, there'll be a lot more questions when the baby appears.

Oh I know. I was thinking of a comment I read on here a few days ago where someone said that they hadn't been in a position to have a holiday and didn't like being asked about it.

I have life pretty easy to be honest. I have a lovely child and despite many miscarriages since that, another on the way who will only have a three year age gap with the first.
I get to hang out at the school gates and in general live in a nice, safe country with few enough worries that I can sit and complain about someone asking me invasive questions.

But I am human. Things annoy me. I know I am lucky that I am free enough from "big" worries that I can get angry about this. But everyone gets upset. Me too. I don't think I'm angry all the time.

But definitely as I get near the end of pregnancy my ability to be wound up is increasing!

I just don't think my fertility, family planning choices and - this is a stretch but still part of the question - to some extent, my sex life, is the topic of idle playground conversation

Well, yes, that is a stretch! It’s like saying that everyone congratulating you on your pregnancy is thinking about you having sex, or everyone asking when the baby is due is working out exactly when you conceived your child 😆

Your ‘safe’ examples you gave could easily offend someone - but it’s the intent as much as the subject. Say someone asked you how a particular relative was and if they’d moved house yet - but what they didn’t know was that that relative had died suddenly. Obviously it would be upsetting, but the intent was benign.

This was another mum just chatting about children. Perhaps she was hoping you’d ask her in return so she could talk about her worries or her plans or ask your advice?

It’s not a court room so you don’t have to give a true answer. It’s ok to give a generic answer like “we don’t know “ or “we’ll see what it’s like being a family of four first” rather than give her a true and detailed answer. I can see why you might not want to talk about it but I don’t think that it’s too invasive.

It's not a genuine question it's a typical light-hearted comment usually responded with never again tinkly laugh.

No-one genuinely wants to know, they are simply engaging in well trodden dialogue with pregnant women.

Why didn't you just say "mind your own business" if you found it so unacceptable?