To think nosey mums at the school gates shouldn't be asking me about my family planning?

[peppermintteacup]

I'm third trimester pregnant so it's fairly obvious I'm having another child, but a nosey mum at school drop off asked me "is this your last or are you planning more after this?" and it pissed me off no end.

AIBU to think other parents shouldn't be asking me this question? Outside of pick up and drop off, I don't see her, don't speak to her, don't have her number, don't even remember her name. I don't know if she remembers mine. I just think of her as so and so's mum, who my very young child sort of acknowledges but never talks about. Our kids aren't best mates or even old enough to have friends really.

Where do people get off asking these questions?

I said oh I haven't even thought about that! But what I wanted to say was @?$;&: off.

@BananaSpanner @Thfrog maybe you are right about the safe questions. Which one would you deem invasive, the gender question?

I've only ever asked close friends about these things but hadn't considered whether I should or shouldn't one way or another of an acquaintance. A troubling pregnancy or problematic scans or tests or anything like that is also something I definitely wouldn't want to make other people talk about.

And I think with gender and the risk someone may have had gender disappointment perhaps I would avoid that topic.

I'm pregnant too and have been getting these questions non stop and they are annoying the hell out of me. I hate that most people making small talk with me immediately revert to pregnancy questions, I'm more than a pregnant woman! But I know it's just something people ask to "make conversation". So I don't think YABU to feel annoyed, but you are overthinking it. Its not nosiness per se. Nobody outside the school gate cares if you would like a third, or if you are having a boy or girl, or if you have been sick this pregnancy, or the answer to whatever other questions you've been asked - it is the "safe topic" to make small talk about pregnancy when you see a pregnant woman and the questions are somewhat limited!

Definitely bored.
My belly aches 😭 my ribs ache. I can't find a comfortable position to sleep in.

And this question from that mum is what is currently annoying me 😅.

It’s a perfectly normal question. Does she only have one child? Maybe she’s thinking herself about having a second or how many children she’d like, and was interested to hear your thoughts. When you’re among Mums with young children and/or who are pregnant, such chat is normal. You don’t have to bare your soul if you don’t want to. Just deflect back to your current pregnancy (“I’m just focussing on this baby and haven’t thought yet”).

It’s a question I asked of a mum and have been asked myself. None of these questions were asked in an intrusive way at all.

Fgs some people!

Seems like you’d be a strong candidate for the PTA

Try intentionally having just one - people find it fascinating! They're just making conversation, it's not rude (although it can be annoying).

The truth is you always run the risk of offending someone by asking personal questions … the ones you mentioned in your example as fine wouldn’t be ok with someone who is extremely stressed out, hasn’t got their stuff together/ cannot afford or has room for a nursery/ isn’t at all excited about baby and is sick of everyone making chitchat about it. I once spoke to a woman who said “if one more person starts a conversation about my pregnancy I’m going to scream, I am so sick of speaking about it, as if I’m no longer my own person”. I was taken aback by it but we are all different. I know that’s sort of your point isn’t it? But if we lived in fear of speaking to people about trigger topics we wouldn’t really talk at all. Some people are incredibly triggered by the gender/sex question as well so I wouldn’t ask that!
I wouldn’t be offended by what you were offended by but you were and that’s ok - it’s good to raise awareness.

Yes she only has one. It had crossed my mind maybe it's because she is thinking about having a second and interested in other people's opinions.

But I am obviously having a second, and fairly soon!

I just don't think my fertility, family planning choices and - this is a stretch but still part of the question - to some extent, my sex life, is the topic of idle playground conversation.

I just don't talk about big life decisions like this with people outside my circle of close family and friends, and I don't put people outside that circle in the position of having to respond to those kinds of questions. Maybe if we'd started being closer and decided to go out for drinks one evening - but we hadn't. We were outside the school gates because we have to be there to drop off and collect our kids from nursery.

I much prefer people who ask personal questions because the conversation is always so much more interesting. Sticking with the social niceties all the time gets very dull.

OP you got some weird answers here and I am fully on your side. I would never ask anyone (whether I know them well or not) about their family planning and it certainly does not qualify as making conversation or small talk. It’s too personal.

I struggled to conceive my second and I got so many questions and comments, it was so hurtful and inappropriate “isn’t it time for a second soon etc”.
My friend’s baby died prematurely (a few hours after birth) and random people and school mums asked her where the baby was and where her bump had gone.

This. You don't have to answer if you don't want to.

Whereas others are so uptight that they cringe at the thought of talking to anyone at all.

It is most definitively just you.
Only making convo.
Whatever has gone wrong with people!

😂😂

People are just desperate to be offended.

Totally normal conversation. Did you go to baby groups with your little one? The things people discuss/ask there are usually much more personal and prepare you for the school yard.
You don't have to talk to people. Wear obvious headphones if you're not up for a chat.

This - that question should be off limits. I had three mcs after DS1 and after too many intrusive questions and comments about when we would be having a second or why it was wrong to have an only child, I started to answer very bluntly that I had no idea if we’d have any more as I’d just had a third mc. I decided that some lessons needed to be taught as although I could cope with it, many others wouldn’t. I hope that my blunt answer made sure that they never asked that question or made that comment to anyone else.

I think you are overreacting.

It's just part of the stream of unconscious dross that arises in the playground and often without a filter.

Smile and nod op. Smile and nod.

@HaveYouSeenRain your poor friend, that is heartbreaking.

And really horrible to have have all these questions while you're having trouble TTC.

It's really invasive to ask people about whether they are trying or not and aren't people aware that people have medical or fertility issues sometimes but this is medical information that is nobody else's business?

Like any other medical question?

For example most people will not tell others the moment that they get a positive pregnancy test, because if it doesn't work out this is not something people usually want known by or to share with all and sundry. People need privacy and freedom from their personal lives being common knowledge, even if the people asking the questions don't really care one way or another.

I would not for example ask somebody what their salary was, their weight, who they voted for, whether they believe in god, if they believe in marriage and major life decisions like how many children they plan to have. It's private!

I think you are overthinking it, sorry. She asked a question that, if you didn’t want to engage, you could easily bat away. As you did.

Yes, these sorts of questions can be triggering, and I wouldn’t ask them of somebody not a close friend, but I couldn’t find it in myself to be angry at somebody for doing it. I find it interesting that people have listed “safe” questions that could be equally as triggering. It shows how our views are often dictated by our own experiences. Somebody who has not had sex disappointment with their children will think it fine to ask about sex etc. etc.

I have had multiple miscarriages and a lot of heartache. I will never carry my own child, but am very lucky that my wife has given us two children. So many people - not close friends - have felt it ok to ask why I haven’t had them / didn’t I fancy carrying etc. Clearly inappropriate and I find it incredible that they feel it ok to ask, but I’m not angry about it. I often tell them the honest answer as I’m at peace with it and I think it may help them to reflect on the appropriateness of the question.

I think a really good approach in life is to assume good intent from people unless they show otherwise. Without more info it just sounds like she was trying to make chit chat and show interest in your pregnancy. Just not worth getting angry about.

this is called idle chit chat.

has the whole world become constantly offended?!

OP, I think you are pregnant and taking things the wrong way. Just chill. She was asking a normal question.

I beg your pardon? I wasn’t desperate to be offended - I’d lost several pregnancies and it is wholly unacceptable for someone to ask me if I’m trying for another when they have no idea what we’ve been through.

Surely it’s pretty obvious that you don’t ask people about whether they’re having or having more children?

I grew up 'knowing' it's not acceptable to discuss potential pregnancies as I was adopted, so knew it can be sensitive, or maybe also as I'm old - no politics, sex or religion - I too can view asking about pregnancy to effectively asking if someone is planning sex again tbh OP.
I recall being seen as a pregnancy not a person too which can be depressing and some people do think it's ok to ask anything and everything about them - I just got to being able to roll my eyes internally- especially at the school gates which can be a really weird place.
It amazes me how folk assume stuff - recently it's been assumed I am also racist by a neighbour I don't really know, because I'm white of a certain age I guess, and in 2021 assumed I'd agree covid is a hoax by a complete randomer in a shop queue but happening to be the week after one of my parents passed away from it. I do respond to racist views if I can without being aggressive in those circumstances, but the rest I just go mmm non commitally. I guess society and interactions have changed and people feel more free to ask personal questions and comment on their personal opinions openly - perhaps this is also a good thing in some ways.
I do agree with you OP that it's intrusive and an inappropriate topic, but I also do think she was just making conversation too without much thought, so whilst in my opinion rude I would try to not ponder on it - as I said people can be odd and also awkward, particularly at school pick up where you're forced together with a group of non friends trying to pass the time.