Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

How far away do you live? To be fair to them, it's probably much easier for you to visit with their young children.

The hotel issue is a difference of expectations. You can't stay at their home so maybe book a nicer, more festive hotel / air bnb that you'd feel more at home in?

We live in the North East so it quite far but just a train, they don't really do lots of presents so that is a non issue and they travel much further to Serbia!

It's such a hassle having Xmas elsewhere when there's small kids involved, all the wrapping, sorting, travelling with the gifts opening them elsewhere then dragging them back home. I haven't left my house at Xmas time once since I had my dc.

That's not to say you have to go every year, you could have one at your home and one near them? Maybe go the week before or after Xmas?

I don't think you should bring her visiting her family into it at all though.

Difficult….why not spend time with them in the lead up to Christmas….but go home for actual christmas

You want them to drag their small children, plus belongings, and presents, up to the north east on the train?

I think it would be nice every 3 or 4 years to share the travel, like I said her family have never visited them in London and they happily travel to them 2/3 times a year.

Have you asked your DS why they won’t come to you but do go to her family? Is it that it’s the one time they do visit Serbia each year and they can’t face two visits close together? I think that would make sense.

We did use to swap on a two yearly basis but it was a lot of work going to PILs with young DC and I much preferred it when we stayed at home.

We visit in-laws before Christmas although situation is a bit different as they are indifferent and wouldn't dream of even visiting us for any reason.
We wouldn't travel to visit ILs or my (closer) parents with our nursery-aged children, but they'd be welcome to visit us on Christmas day, and my parents do. We usually go to them on boxing day too.

@RosenNn with how shambolic the UK public transport system is, it's not a surprise? Just don't go down

It’s lovely that you see so much of your son and family, four times a year including a holiday. I wouldn’t say a word and just count my blessings . Your DIL probably misses her family and it’s understandable she wants to travel to see them for xmas.

Cross post - so Christmas isn’t their only visit to Serbia. Have you asked your DS why the difference? Is your house tricky for young children? Do you have pets that the DC are scared of? Does either of you smoke?

Don't spend Christmas day with them let them have that time with their own family. Spend 21st- 23 rd with them. Home and to church for the 24th or do the week after christmas.

The children are only little once though and the magic years are getting shorter and shorter. You only really have from 3-9 where they are really excited and have toys to play with. Then it's all technology, clothes and gift vouchers / money. They stop getting excited about the panto or Christmas crafts. I wouldn't want to miss the magic years if I was invited.

I can understand why your DS & family won’t be keen to travel with toddlers at Christmas and then again in January - it will be hard work.

Equally I fully understand that you miss you local church community at such a special time of year ( I know from experience another church, no matter how welcoming just isn’t the same 😔 ) and all of the special elements which make it familiar and your church.

I don’t think anyone but you and DH can ultimately make the decision, but would it be so terrible to miss out with DS and family for one year and stay at home ? Most families tend to alternate with in laws in any event. Perhaps once the GC get older your DS and family might perhaps travel alternate years.

You could stay at home this year, enjoy the community of your local church and face time the family to perhaps watch the GC open their presents. See how it goes as a possible blueprint for future years alternating Christmas in London and at home.

I’d fly for Christmas abroad and find it easy but hours on a British train with tiny kids would be a hard pass. For starters luggage is a PITA on the train in a way that it just isn’t on a plane because you can check large back and they take your pram to/from the doors for you. Also maybe her family don’t have the means to visit here but you and DH are perfectly capable, IDK. It’s not worth the resentment. You’ve got a son, DIL and 2 grandchildren who want to see you at Christmas with just the smallest bit of effort required on your part. Count your blessings, you’re very lucky!

You can have Christmas at home, in your own church! You don't need to spend Christmas with your son and family - it's certainly not usual to see family every single year. Enjoy Christmas with your friends and church group, and see your son some other time.

I wouldn’t be travelling for Christmas on public transport with young children. Even if it was an invite to the king’s he himself.

I think children should get to spend Christmas in their own homes. I always wonder how many grandparents now who want the grandchildren in their homes for Christmas Day to do it their way, actually dragged their children out to their own parents or in-laws.

I'd do this too, maybe choose a weekend in December and have Christmas with them then, then be home for actual Christmas. I can understand them not wanting to travel with two young kids, especially at the busiest time of the year. I also think it's understandable her wanting to visit her home country regularly. She probably misses it, and her family.

Why don’t you do one Christmas at home, and the following one at your son’s?

We do one year with my parents, one with my husband’s parents, and one on our own.

In the future if my son wanted to see us every Christmas Day, was willing to just, and I am spend time with the very young grandchildren I would be over the moon!

I am sure when the children are older and you are not able to make the journey they may come to you.

The Christmas holidays span two weeks for most. As I say on most threads, you don't need to celebrate on Christmas Day, it can be 28th or 1st Jan. Does it matter, as long as you spend time together.

If you have young DC, it's understandable they won't travel to you. They already need to when going to Serbia.

Just spend a few days in London with them during the run up to Christmas. Go out for a Christmas meal together during that time and leave their gifts and the children's at their flat before you go home.

Then go home in time for Christmas and do your own thing with your friends and your church.

Could you get an Airbnb rather than a hotel close to your family, decorate it more for Christmas and invite them there for part of the time.

I think you're comparing the treatment you get from them, compared with the treatment your DILs family get. They're not comparable (she might be homesick, wanting to see wider friends and fam too, wanting to expose kids to the language for longer etc etc). Comparison is the thief of joy. And not very Christian!

But that doesn't mean you can't talk to both of them constructively about doing Christmas at yours one year.

I have sympathy for them tbh - they probably want to spend they special Christmas years with their young children in their own home.

Plus travelling that far with two small kids + all the presents, no doubt they have other events etc on in London. And I assume they are probably both working full time? It’s a lot.

How could you make the experience more festive for you? Fancier hotel? Book to go to a fancy carol service? Winter markets? No shortage of activities in London to make you feel festive.

There is always so much pressure ‘on the day’!

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having an honest conversation with your DS about this - you and/ or your husband discussing with him.

I can see why they might go to Serbia as it’s a visit to her home country, not just her family, and she may well miss this. He is living in his home country so won’t feel the same way - London isn’t that different to being in the NE, as compared to Serbia.

i can understand they don’t want to drag their tiny children up to the NE for Christmas on top of the trip to Serbia, which must also be stressful. And the kids are so tiny, it can only have been a few years that this is an issue. Plus perhaps your Ds does care as much about “going home” (ie to parents) as she does - often the one in a couple that cares more gets their way.

If you don’t want to be away for Christmas, as pp have said, go to visit them just before hand, and then spend Christmas at home. Christmas as a couple, after seeing friends etc at church, sounds lovely.

Exactly!! It's so much easier for two people to come down over Christmas than a whole family go up.