Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

you have one son
these are your only grandchildren

and feeling “festive ” is more important than being with them?

and it’s all I I I

no mention of your husband’s preference

I read the first sentence and was off.

If they have young children I can understand wanting to be at home for Christmas. Especially if they do the whole Santa thing. Do they cart all the kids presents up to the North East only to cart them all back down the road again? What a pain.

I can appreciate a hotel is not very festive but that’s not what makes Christmas is it? It’s family. Or is Christmas for you more about your church than your family? I guess that’s the choice you have to make here.

As for them going to Serbia well are they carting a whole load of Christmas presents out there with them or just the DC? I think it’s nice that they spend orthodox Christmas with 1 side and Anglican Christmas with the other.

The children are 1 and 3.

My in laws live in the NE and whist we regularly travelled with DD when she was little we absolutely never did at Xmas (we don’t celebrate so usually go away somewhere else) and I wouldn’t even consider doing it on a train with 2 tiny children.

So your choice is Xmas at home or Xmas with your grandchildren. At 1 and 3 they aren’t going to notice if you’re there or not so if you want Xmas at home, stay at home.

I think it's nice that your son checks in early and decorates the hotel room. It shows that he is trying.

Your disappointment is understandable. For years I trekked 8 hours to be with my sister's family at Christmas and last year decided not to. I doubt they cared one way or the other. It was really nice to have Christmas at home before a roaring fire even though I was alone. You at least would have your husband.

Why not stay home and just FaceTime for a while on Christmas morning?

Yes, some years. Not every year. It's not a compromise from either side if either wants to be at home every year. OP isn't asking for every year.

You see a lot of your son and his family OP - you are very lucky . I think it is fair that little ones be in their home at Christmas time - it’s part of the Father Christmas magic

Yes but it’s going to really ruin the Christmas magic to say “Sorry Timmy you’ve got no presents from Santa but you’ll get them when we get home”

because mummy and daddy couldn’t lug them all on the train to the North East and back again

Absolutely sod traveling by train all that way at Christmas with two toddlers. I used to make that journey every year pre-children and it was HORRENDOUS then but would be absolutely unbearable with toddlers. Every year there would be delays, the train would be packed, seat reservations would become invalid, I’d spend Christmas ill from something I’d caught on the overcrowded trains. Hell.

DIL can’t help that her family live in Serbia. That’s the kind of distance where if they don’t make the effort she’d never see her family. You can travel to see them at least a few times a year even if it’s not at Christmas, and they let you holiday with them too.

If you don’t want to travel to them for Christmas then don’t. See them before or after. Right now they are in the trenches, you need to let them be. In a few years they may be in a better position to manage British public transport at Christmas when the children are older, or maybe by then they will have a car and can drive to you.

Seems quite rigid not being able to travel up once every couple of years 😕. YANBU to be disappointed.

I'd be gutted too

I think you should just be grateful for what you have at the moment.
The children are still very very young, come back to ask your son about alternate Christmas visits when the eldest starts school, right now just enjoy they accept a week of your company, most wouldn't be invited for that long imo.

To be fair to the OP, if her son, his wife and their children can travel to Serbia to spend Christmas with her family, surely it would be no different or more difficult to visit his family for Christmas?

To turn this round, you have a lovely family who offer a standing invitation to see them on Christmas day (sleeping in a hotel because they can't possibly put you up at home), and a lovely Church community who arrange a wonderful though different Christmas celebration. And you have your faith! Many people are facing a Christmas with none of these gifts, but instead of comparing yourselves to them, you feel resentful about your son's in laws who live thousands of miles from their grandchildren and have far fewer opportunities than you to spend time with them during the year. You could try being grateful, it would make such a difference. Hope you have a great Christmas whichever option you choose.

The London mass exodus at Christmas is terrible. Factor in a 1 year old and a 3 year old, buggies, presents, luggage… absolutely reasonable for them not to do it. It’s their children’s Christmas too and they should be able to enjoy it and make special memories at home.

The kids are 1 and 3.

This situation has maximum been going on for three years - and for two of those they’ll have had a very small baby <1 year old.

Just because it’s the situation now, doesn’t mean it will be the situation forever.

They’re very welcome to join them for Christmas, it just currently isn’t going to be at the grandparents home. This is no huge slight or drama.

Depends how much you're getting I guess. Our presents from Father Christmas have only ever been stockings so nothing big. Another way we've avoided rods for our own backs and created more flexibility at Christmas.

Sometimes they've waited for a couple of days for one from us if it's not easily transportable but same for whichever set of grandparents we aren't with at Christmas and that's the case whatever house we're at. Doesn't seem to have been a big deal for them waiting a few days. Spreads it out.

We live several hundred miles away from either sets of parents and have two young kids. It's difficult - either travel down before Christmas day and run the risk of kids realising Father C isn't real because you have to pack presents, etc. (yes they still believe, yes I want them to believe as long as possible!) or travel down on Christmas day so the kids are stuck in the car for hours when all they and you want to do is play with the presents they've just opened. When the kids are older I'll have no problem with us doing to travelling. Until then I'm happy to fund and host Christmas at ours - so I completely get where they're coming from!

Wouldn’t be my kids but each to their own.

And the Christmas magic of the Orthodox Christmas, shouldn't the children experience that in their own home ?

The children are the priority at Christmas, not grandparents. They will be happier in their own home. You had your child's Christmases, now it is their turn, they only have a few years where they are small.

You can say "I would love to host one year" but I wouldn't push it more than that.

OP doesn’t celebrate orthodox Christmas so why would the DC choose to spend it with the OP? Of course they go to Serbia, an orthodox country, for Orthodox Christmas.

We travelled to my only set of grandparents EVERY year. 6 hours of driving and I was horrendously travel sick. These are not happy memories, and a big part of why I hate everything about Xmas (and all the expectations) and so sack it off completely.

The OP is being completely ridiculous.

To be honest, they might like a Xmas on their own. If you want to go to them then I think you need to suck it up for many years to come. I would never want to have been anywhere but home as a child. Mine are now older teenagers and still won’t visit my family who don’t live in England. Do you not have other children you could share time with?

Since you want to be in your home surely you understand that equally they would want to be in their home.