Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

@RosenNn Where to spend Christmas and who with, can be a problem every year for many, many people. For many, perhaps even most families, it is often a compromise. You do have a choice, although it may not feel like it. For you, it is more important that you see your Grandchildren on Christmas Day than you spend it in your own home, going to Church on Christmas day and seeing your Christian friends where you live around that period.

I do get, why you would like your son and his family t o come and visit you sometimes at that time of year instead of you always going to them, but I do agree travelling with small children wouldn't be easy. Even when a bit older, it might be difficult for them to not be at home in their own house fro Christmas.

Am surprised you say that the hotel(s) you stay in isn't very festive though, My experience is that they will have Christmas Tree(s), Decorations up and do mostly try to give a festive atmosphere. Maybe finding a different hotel might help?

Agree with others saying when kids are this little it is so so so so much easier to be home at Christmas. And especially if they don’t drive so can’t just load the car full of presents. Could you get a nice AirBnB nearby when you go?

It sounds like you see a lot of each other (my in laws aren’t local and we only see them twice a year) and if you have a good relationship, I’d be inclined to just suck it up for now while they’re little and maybe approach it again when the kids are a bit older.
Alternatively - do you have to spend every Christmas Day/week together? This year we’re having our Christmas solo, and seeing in laws for new years instead.

YABU -re travel: travelling on rail in the UK is terribly expensive and unreliable compared with flying.

as the eldest is 3 is this the 3rd Christmas you’ve gone to visit or 4th? During that time there was a newborn, so definitely I wouldn’t travel via train with my children.

i did it was a student when trains were cheaper and slightly more reliable and still there were ours of standing in a furnace like train, stollen luggage, missed events due to cancellations and everything has got much worse. Plus germs. I wouldn’t do it.

also I don’t think you see them a lot, if you want a relationship with your GC and to know them as people a few hours once a quarter isn’t going to get you much more than friendly strangers. Not shoulder to cry on/significant figure in their life. That’s totally ok if that’s what you’re going for.

i don’t think YABU to want to be at home. I think an air b and b would be better for Christmas feel as you could put up a tree. You could also host one day. And then alternate years if you want.

i don’t think you should consider the Serbia thing and get wound up. That’s a sep issue.

Ive read your update re “nothing compares to home”. I’m sure that’s true but it’s even more true when you have tiny babies.

I would say give it a few years. 1 and 3 are such young ages. I’m sure there’ll be a time when it becomes a big adventure to go up to you on the train - when they’re in late primary it’ll all be much easier.

Edit - also the going to Serbia in Jan is time limited - once they’re at school they won’t be allowed time off for this - Orthodox Easter is nearly always after the schools have gone back.

Why do you assume it's the wifes decision? He's a grown man surely capable of making his opinions known.

well the Op doesn’t once even allude to what her DH wants or doesn’t want

Depends how much you're getting I guess. Our presents from Father Christmas have only ever been stockings so nothing big. Another way we've avoided rods for our own backs and created more flexibility at Christmas.

Before we had kids just before a big move we did Christmas at IL - on really busy trains and we we moving house in new year.

DH present was this huge heavy glass chest board with two sets of shot glasses. Complete nightmare to pack and carry back on train and nightmare to pack with house move - DH never used ever and even he wonder wtf the thinking had been.

This!!!!

Surely that’s the OP’s issue though?

We really have to move away from the idea that all arrangements are made and facilitated by women.

You don't have to express your upset or suck it up, you can come up with a solution.

As other people have suggested, why not spend Christmas Day at home and go to London the next day? It gives you all something to look forward to and you can enjoy the run up to Christmas when there is more focus on religion than afterwards - carol services, advent, midnight mass, the church community on Christmas Day. In alignment with your beliefs, you could even host Christmas Day for people who may have nobody to spend the day with or do some voluntary work.

It's very different to go to Serbia as it's the opportunity for your DIL not only to see her family but to share her culture directly with her children who are being raised in her husband's home country. 7 January is celebrated in the Orthodox Church Serbia, so your grandchildren are also experiencing a different form of Christmas.

Your son sounds very thoughtful in decorating your hotel room, so I'd say just be more flexible and think of other ways of celebrating a religious Christmas that doesn't involve travel within Britain as neither you nor your son seem to keen on that.

I think UABU.

You say you miss seeing your friends at church at Christmas, but you surely see them every single week.

As several PPs have said, book an Airbnb rather than a hotel, much more homely and, unless you'd be planning to stay in the cheapest of London hotels, it'll cost around the same.

This. When you're not the person in your own country, going home is more than seeing parents. It's seeing parenting, siblings, friends, showing children your culture, speaking your own language for a while...

When the children are so small, "They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times." Is unfair. They've only had small children for 3 years. There is no typical year for a while. They are in the weeds right now. When the children are school age they are far more portable and easy to travel with.

Do they not have a car, or do they not drive? If they just don't have a car (sensible in London) they may well move further out and need one with a growing family and things will change. If they can't drive, that's partially your doing! Driving lessons are a pretty fundamental thing.

You don't have to go every year. You could go the weekend before Christmas or the weekend after. My MiL is very Catholic she sometimes wants to be at her church on Christmas day which is fine. We either see her before Christmas or she comes to see us after. Also travelling with small kids on crappy public transport at Christmas is awful. I don't understand your complaints about the hotel though. In my experience hotels are cheaper over Christmas day/boxing day and tend to be beautifully decorated. When we've had to travel over this period we've tended to use apartment hotels and it's been really nice. You need to change where you are staying.

Families that care don't inflict that hassle on already exhausted parents of young children. Been there, done that, and will not travel again for Christmas. It's a stressful enough period as it is.

One of my friends travels to her and her husband's family every Christmas and it's actually pleasant for her because between both sets of grandparents, the kids are taken from them, all meals cooked for them, and she gets to go to the spa, book nail and hair appointments, see old friends and go on dates with her husband during that time. She's very lucky but as you see from threads on here every christmas, most families of young children don't get that upside from visiting in laws/ parents for christmas but just have the hassle and unreasonable expectations.

Exactly this.

It's much, much harder for them at present. When the DC get old enough that it isn't so skewed in one direction is the time to think of balance, people having turns etc. Not when they've got a toddler and a baby.

'Just a train journey..................'
But it's not, it's a palaver with young DC plus once they are out of London the public transport is just rubbish, I am assuming they won't have a car.
Even if they don't need a travel cot, getting DC to sleep in other people's houses can be problematic.

I did go up north with my 2DC for Christmas to my DPs when they were little but I drove (usually through the night to avoid traffic). I definitely would not have done this journey on a train - just had too much stuff to bring with me, even without presents

Hello @RosenNn,

As other posters have suggested it is time to create your own 'Christmas Traditions' and do what YOU want to do as a family.

You do NOT have to go!

Just say NO and start your own traditions, set your own rules and set some boundaries OP.

Enjoy your Christmas at home, with your friends and your Church.

You can do it OP!

The power of the word NO is amazing!

x

Their children are very little still. You might mention in passing that when they are old enough to remember, you’d love them to have the Christmas if your son’s childhood up in the North East one year.

It sounds like you have a good relationship, I wouldn’t rock the boat over this personally. You have plenty of time to be at home.

I agree with the suggestion to rent an airbnb rather than hotel room so you have more space - or you could even register as housesitters and see if you can be in someone’s home for that time, which might feel more festive.

When the kids are older, coming to you might feel more appealing to them, at age 1 and 3 it’s really hard work IME. It will only be a couple more years till things may be different.

I know a few posters here say kids should always be home at Christmas, I don’t feel that way at all! My kids love going to their grandparents for Christmas, but they are older.

Yep. The flight will be much, much easier than the train. Quite apart from anything else, you know you'll get a seat.

I used to live in London with my parents in the north east. We did one Xmas trip with 2 small kids on the train up there-never again! I can laugh about it now, but it’s taken nearly 15 years to get to that point…
For a start, it’s not just the train journey, it’s the bus to the tube, with changes, then the wait in the station. This with a buggy, an overexcited toddler, and child wanting out of the buggy, plus luggage, plus Xmas presents. It was a feckin’ nightmare getting it all on the train and sorted. I’ve never apologised to people so much in my life. Smallest child fell asleep-excellent-but toddler wanted to run around the train and no amount of toys, tech, colouring, stern words was going to stop her. She was obsessed with the toilets. Nowhere to change the baby when it became clear he needed it. 2 nightmarish train changes, where the first scenario was repeated, but with a now awake and angry baby, and overtired toddler. We also had a dog…then, when we finally got to our destination, we had to pile everything in a taxi to parents house, panicking about lack of baby seats.
The return journey was exactly the same in reverse, except with more stuff, as NO ONE had listened to our ‘please don’t buy the kids loads of stuff as travelling back by train’ etc etc. Also on the way back all seat reservations were cancelled-horrific-we missed a connection due to a late train, and ended up doing the last leg by bus, and our buggy ended up bent and unusable.
I can completely understand why they don’t want to do the journey 😊

I feel like people are making a massive deal out of the travel issue - it’s only a 3 hour train journey from London to Newcastle. That’s easily manageable with young kids. If your house is big enough for them to stay I think they could come and visit easily. If they don’t it’s probably more that they don’t want to…

its a train around the busiest time of the year with crap weather. Trains are unreliable at the best of times. Funny since they run on bloody tracks. Strikes, faults, replacement bus serve which is terrible.

Why would you do it to yourself with children.

How did you do Christmas with your young child and their grandparents?

Or why are grandparents so very selfish and so inconsiderate of the trouble of transporting two tiny children half way across the country just because the grandmother has a highly fixated idea of what her personal version of Christmas 'should' be?

This woman - the poster - needs to see that her son has two children and still makes time to see her four times a year, whereas the other grandparents only see them once. She also needs to see they're being raised outside their mother's home country and only get to visit there once a year whereas they're in the father's home country 95% of the time.

It's not 'mean', it's the grandmother who is being inconsiderate and inflexible when she is more mobile and should be more thoughtful about her son's family.