Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

Travelling with young kids for Christmas is hard. Now we have 2 children we don't travel unless it is for one off special reasons at Christmas (we do every 4 years in Scotland with DH family or if we ever decide to spend Christmas in Australia with in laws). Christmas Eve, Day and Boxing Day we stay at home.
My parents live in North Wales (us the Midlands). There is no way we would visit at Christmas now if we had to get the train. My parents are retired and always welcome to ours. They mostly travel to use during the year (we go there once or twice a year) because it is 100 times easier for them to travel than us around work and with the kids etc.
My DH family (not parents as they are in Australia) are also between 1 and half hours and 3 hours away from us. We tend to take it in turns to travel after boxing day (some also have kids and stay home for Christmas)

Do this.

Frankly I quite get why they travel to Serbia for Christmas and for other times too. Her children are being raised as English. She wants them to know about her culture. English Christmas is everywhere but it would be hard for her to have a Serbian Christmas with them here.

Why not stay where you are for Dec 25th and then travel with them to Serbia to see what it's like there? You might enjoy it.

YABU

They have small children and want to spend the December holidays in their own home rather than lug them and all their stuff to someone else's house. Don't blame them at all.

You see them throughout the year, perhaps find another winter break instead if you want to spend Christmas at home with your church family.

Haven’t RTFT. Could finances be part of the reason that they go to Serbia, I.e., they can afford to travel, but perhaps your DIL’s family can’t afford flights and a London hotel? Plus London is pretty miserable in January, the festivities are over and the weather is often grim!

I’d give it time with traveling to you. Right now, they have to pack buggies and massive car seats for their toddlers, but it’ll be much easier when they’re primary-age. Toddlers often get upset when traveling-my DS hated being in unfamiliar places-but he completely changed at 5 when he understood what was happening.

Yep, exactly this. Then the children get an extra "Christmas", and you get to spend the day at home.

Edit: Just to add, there's A LOT to do in London on the run up to Christmas. It would probably be a much better, enjoyable time for you to visit then! The run up is often the most magical part anyway.

And the maternal in-laws are always favoured! I know this is MN but it really doesn't have to be so difficult travelling with young children, I know because we did it many times

Edited

I can’t imagine feeling more “festive” not being with my only child and only grandchildren than with them
but hey Op… you can 🤷

Haven’t RTFT. Could finances be part of the reason that they go to Serbia, I.e., they can afford to travel, but perhaps your DIL’s family can’t afford flights and a London hotel? Plus London is pretty miserable in January, the festivities are over and the weather is often grim!

DH’s nuclear family comprises 14 people. It’s considerably easier for us (3) to visit them, as it is for OP’s son and family.

Count your blessings
If you are fit and you can travel and are welcome with your family you are very lucky

Its a special time of year and surely your Son and grandchildren are more important than your church friends ?

I really don’t understand how you think the DIL is favouring her family here.

OP doesn’t celebrate orthodox Christmas and her family do. She could very well take the kids to Serbia for Anglican Christmas but she doesn’t because she wants them to be in the UK with their British grandparents.

Would it be nicer if you rented a house near them for a few days, rather than staying in a hotel? It wouldn’t be home, or your usual church, but you could make it more homely than a hotel, and you could host Christmas dinner.

I think I would try and enjoy being the nice easy ones who go to them and allow them to have some down time before the craziness of going to Serbia. Also - your DGC will have lovey memories of you sharing their christmasses in their family home. You said it yourself that ‘nothing compares to home’ and you get to be part of that ‘home’ for them, something their other family will never have.

you get to spend EVERY Christmas with your DS and family - how amazing is that. Their children won’t be little forever and things change but for now enjoy seeing them all.

I can understand why you want to have Christmas at home. You've asked, they've said no (or have they said not this year?), and you'd rather see the grandkids than spend it at home so you're going there. It's a shame for you, but you've made the decision that suits you best of the options available to you.

The Serbian Christmas is a bit of a red herring.

My parents live overseas (emigrated when they retired). They asked us to go over there for Christmas a few times and we always said no. We wanted our children to have Christmas at home - over the years we've developed our own Christmas traditions/habits etc and we like being here. My parents have always been welcome to visit us - they've done so twice over the years (my eldest child is 18 now). We all make our own choices based on our own priorities and that's all you can do. I'm sorry it's a difficult choice and you're sad about it.

Off topic but what is the jumping off point from 'religious' to 'very religious'?

@ItTook9Years Sorry, I’m abit confused! Is your DH in a similar situation to the DIL, I.e., his family lives in another European country?

Why don't you two stay at home by yourselves?

You don't have to spend every single Christmas with them

Exactly! Not everyone lives near their children so a couple of hours at the weekend isn’t always possible but a holiday and weekends is lovely too and it’s nice that your son and DIL invite you ever xmas. Maybe they’ll come to you for xmas when the kids are older nothing is written in stone!

Ever occurred to you that they might want a Christmas on their own?

Your poor Dil is in a foreign country almost all the time and you're whinging about her getting a few days at home?

See your friends at Christmas. Stop moaning.

I sympathise, OP. I have a similar situation.
And before everyone jumps to conclusions, we do have a lot of guests to our house who are all happy and keen to come again, so it’s not that our house is grotty.
Sometimes you just have to face the fact that your children aren’t particularly caring about your feelings. As the years go by, you might find yourself feeling less close to them.

I think it's a difficult one.

Having Christmas away from home with young children is really difficult, especially as the family doesn't even drive. At 1 and 3, presents will be large and bulky - even if the parents ordered them directly to OP's for her to wrap in advance, they'd still have to travel home with them on the train, along with any other gifts given by OP and DH, and other family. Plus 2 toddlers, luggage for a week, a buggy probably...I understand why they don't think it's doable to travel without a car.

But I think it's not about the travel for OP but the being away from home, and not just away from home but in a hotel for Christmas. I wouldn't want that myself, and I wouldn't feel comfortable asking my parents/in-laws to do it either.

A better solution one year might be to hire a house you could all stay in? Not too far from London so the travel is not extensive and perhaps on the last day everyone travels back to London for a lunch and gifts/luggage could be driven back home for them that way?

Yes, I agree with this. It might well be that it’s unfair to draw the comparison as your DIL is in the uk, not her own country.

If you reflect on it and think it’s not wise to ask your DS - and none of my earlier points about pets or smoking apply - and they’re happy to see you at other times, then I’d have a chat as a couple and decide what you want the most. I’m involved in Christmas services at my church up to Christmas Eve, but I’ve never gone on Christmas Day. Fourth Advent is on the 22nd this year - surely that will involve a special service at your church?

Alternatively, talk to your son about wanting to stay in your own home this year for the 24-26th and go for the weekend of the 20th-22nd.

By the way, I think it’s lovely that your DS decorates the hotel room! Best in mind that it might have been your DIL’s idea though …

You can stay home. We’re staying home this year as I’m sick of travelling to my parents’, with 3 kids and all the gifts and stuff, it’s so unfestive.

Your son and his family probably feel the same.

We've done Christmas all over the place. Staying with in laws, at ours, in holiday homes etc. But we have a car. And when the kids were tiny my MIL ensured they had a fully equipped room with cot/changing mat/baby bath/bedding etc. So we didn't have to bring anything apart from ourselves/clothes/Christmas presents. I don't know if you are able to do the same, but I imagine that the thought of travelling on the train with everything is a bit overwhelming. It will be easier when the kids are bigger and don't need equipment. Perhaps any larger gifts could be ordered to be delivered to yours, although there is still the issue of getting them back home again.