Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

I think it is good of them to accommodate your expectations to spend every Christmas with them, will they ever get the opportunity to just spend the festivities alone with their children?

I wouldn’t travel across the country by train with two toddlers for Christmas if you paid me!

All the gear you need for two kids and yourselves, everyone’s Christmas presents including stocking fillers…… on a train?! Madness. And two very young children expected to sit down for many hours. I’d rather stick needles in my eyes 😂

So so so so so much easier for two adults to travel down.

I know it’s feels unfair now, but while their kids are so young you are asking way too much of them. In the future when the kids are teens/young adults I’m sure the roles will flip and they will have to do much more of the travelling up to visit you.

I think it sounds like you see them lots across the year and have nice plans together

Of course your DIL needs to travel to Serbia to stay connected with her culture, homeland, wider family and friends. They come to you in the summer. It sounds like your son is really thoughtful about your Xmas visits too.

I don't blame them for not wanting to travel even more than they already do with literal babies.

But maybe you could look further ahead for a plan in a year or two to have Christmas in your home but frane it that you would like to host them and make it lovely for them? (would they be able to attend their church too though if that matters to them). But please don't say that it makes you sad (fgs)

I think there is definitely this option to rethink Christmas and perhaps 'do Christmas' but a couple of days before.

There is nothing saying you have to do it a certain way on a certain day. Have 'two Christmases' if that works better for you.

The reality I feel is that you probably are never going to end up with the Christmas you want because of the circumstances. I think you need to come to terms with that because if you push your son to have this your way, the risk you run is alienating him. He's trying to balance the difficult situation of his wife being from another country. You are not going to win that argument without upsetting him.

Instead, I think you probably need to rethink ways of making Christmas work for you differently. I do think this is not only possible, but it can actually be really fun and refreshing and ultimately less stressful for all concerned.

We get bogged down in this notion that we HAVE to do x, y and z on a certain day. It's really not the case. You can have it all with a bit of innovative thinking about it.

What matters here is that you have that time together. Going earlier, have 'christmas' on say 23rd and do all the things you'd otherwise do. Or add your own new family Christmas tradition in that works with it not being the 25th.

Christmas as a family event comes down to what you make of it.

Quite - particularly as they have small children! And dare I ask if they actually want to see you EVERY Christmas???

23 in 24 hours

shakes head

Just spend Christmas at home and not with them every other year. We spend every Christmas home because that is what suits us best as a family. The inlaws used to come, but stopped. I don't mind. I think it is best to spend it the way you want it, at least some of the time!

It may help you to consider the act of forgoing your personal preferences as alms. Charity is not just giving money or goods to others: putting yourself out and donating time - here the time you would rather spend at home having your preferred kind of Christmas with them - would be merciful as well as charitable. You would in effect be giving to God by imitating Christ in serving others.

I really think it's good to mix it up every now and again. Gives everyone a break and highlights what works and what doesn't. Try not to take it personally, but a long train journey with two little ones is my idea of hell.

Enjoy your Christmas as home, going to your church and eating exactly the food you like, with all your decs up just the way you like them. Invite friends over lots so you aren't missing them so much.

My parents didn’t want to travel at Christmas so they always came the weekend before and we did an extra Christmas dinner.

4 people including 2 small ones on a train is much harder than 2 adults on a train, especially if tubes and things are involved. As for travelling to Serbia - yes it's clearly a much longer, harder journey, but are other factors the same? Yes if they won't travel to see you and do travel to Serbia to see two people who could come to them, that seems unfair. But my guess is there is a wider family in Serbia, who couldn't all afford or maybe physically manage the journey to the UK. Yes it's a longer journey, but if they make it to see people they couldn't see any other way, whereas the London journey is one that can more easily be made by the people there - that's completely fair. Also imagine that as some point you and/or your husband might get sick, then maybe they will do all the journeys because you can't.

I'd broach the conversation with your son that you'd love your grandchildren to experience your home and your festivities even if only once every two or three years. It's very odd to have grandchildren that never visit you - try coming at it from that angle.

Honestly OP, I think you need to accept that if you want to see your grandchildren at Christmas then you need to travel. It’s lovely that your son invites you every year, if your DIL’s family were in the UK then maybe you would have to alternate Christmas or perhaps your son and his family would prefer a Christmas alone.

When DS was small we said for several years that anyone was welcome to come to us, but we just weren’t going to travel. DS didn’t travel well, didn’t sleep well at home and even worse away from home and generally it was just too stressful.

@MrSeptember Does Serbian Christmas day involve presents in the morning same way British Christmas does?

I think the age the kids are makes it tricky for them to travel a long way, not to mention all the kit babies and toddlers need. We did go away to my parents or my inlaws when ours were young but we only had one toddler at a time (4+ year gap) and a large car - but still packing was a bit of a nightmare.

I'd suggest visiting either shortly before Christmas or shortly after so you can enjoy your Christmas at home this year.

They do presents on British Christmas, so it is a valid point. They miss St Nicholas day when presents would normally be in Serbia I think, do them on British Christmas then don't do presents at all on Serbian Christmas.

DIL doesn't work so it isn't 20 days of annual leave, my son doesn't take the day off just because we are down. We usually at easter take the kids ourselves for 3 days and see them in the evenings.

Even if she doesn’t work he only has so many days off.

I'd be grateful for the opportunity to spend Christmas in the greatest city in the world, a bit of respite from the "North East".

In your position I wouldn't ask. You see your gc a lot more than most and your dil is being most generous. I certainly wouldn't want the obligation and expectation of hosting (even staying at a hotel) my in laws year after bloody year. Most young families want to start their own traditions and have the children relaxed in their home environment.

Traveling to the NE on a train with two small children for Christmas is my idea of hell. I've travelled to the NE once, actually to accompany my friend as a bit of a shield against her ghastly (now ex thank gosh) mil who insisted everyone come to her home for Christmas, regardless of what her son and daughter in laws wanted. The train was packed, I had to stand the whole bloody way crushed in and unable to move up the train to even bloody pee. The thought of doing that now I have children and with luggage, and with possible delays and cancellations urgh.

It will also cost a ton with a family of four. Yes they spend money and time to travel to Serbia, because your dil isn't lucky to have her family in the same country. It also costs more money in travel visas for her family to visit, so they are obliged to visit Serbia rather than her family come here. You are being very self absorbed and entitled to even mention this tbh.

Honestly your poor dil. You think because she's a sahm and lives abroad that she has to spend every Christmas with her inlaws. Realise how lucky you are compared to her parents, you live in the same country as your son. I'm from abroad and I find it so bloody tough and my mil seems cut from the same cloth as you. She threw a strop last year that we didn't go theirs (I was recovering from a surgery) but that has backfired, I'll never spend a Christmas with them again after they ruined my child's first Christmas.

North East is gorgeous (and safe). London? Not so much.

🤣🤣 oh yeah no one ever experiences danger outside London

She said they visit every year, just not at Christmas

Are you cross because they aren’t coming to you or is it because they travel to Serbia? Presumably there are reasons for travelling there. Part of it might be that your DIL is homesick? I’ve lived in another country and you do yearn for your homeland, especially around festivals. Given that they do this, I can see it’s a lot did them to travel and be away from home in late December. It’s a total pain to travel with young kids.

I’d suggest deciding whether it’s more important to you to see them or be at home. If the latter, just tell them that. I’m sure they won’t mind.

A daughter’s a daughter for all of her life, a son is a son till he finds a wife - so the saying goes … it’s sad that they travel to see her family multiple times a year but won’t take a train to you for Christmas. But that’s sons for you …