Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

I'd personally visit earlier in December or between Christmas and new year so you can still do your Christmas stuff at home.

We decided years ago to stop travelling on Christmas to see family as none of us could fully relax or enjoy it. We now see one set on Boxing Day during the day and then travel Boxing Day evening to see the other set who live further away and stay for a few days.

I think we see more of our grandchildren than many of our friends. Yes they may see them for 3 hours every other Sunday so about 78 hours in the year. But we do about 5 full days (say 10 hour days) 4 times a year, which is quite a bit more!

Ok, maybe they aren't bothered about seeing OP at Christmas. That's even worse than just insisting on being at home. They aren't prepared to travel for Christmas is the bottom line. Which is a bit tight to me.

My parents are 5 hours away. The only year I've considered having small children as a reason not to be arsed taking my turn to travel was the year I was actually due on Christmas Day.

Difficult when so far away from each other, with young children, and both parents probably working full time though - without a lot of animal leave being taken exclusively for visiting them.

I mean - the car journey alone is going to take an entire day in either direction with a baby and a toddler.

Have you tried having a longer-term conversation? They've said no to travelling to you this year, but you could say that at some point in the future you'd love to host them when the kids are easier to travel with.

That's the likeliest reason they don't want to go to you yet but there's no reason you can't start laying the groundwork for a few years' time.

Or you can get to the bottom of what the actual reason is, if it's not that.

Don't compare it to their trips to Serbia, that'll just get their backs up.

Thank you everyone. I wouldn't consider not seeing them at all on Christmas, not when the kids are so little, I'd rather travel than miss out, it would just be nice for them to see us here too sometimes.

Then you've made your choice.

Personally have done young kids and Christmas travel it's a stressful nightmare - and our kids have always preferred being in their own home on Christmas day.

As kids and you get older it may well naturally shift more to them doing the travel but honestly - you've asked and they've declined for the moment and that where it is - wait till kids are older and ask again.

Has your son explained why they won't come to you? I mean, it can be a bit painful travelling with young children, so I get that but I'm inclined to agree with you - surely it makes sense to at least occasionally have them come up to you. And there are lots of benefits to the children having Christmas at Granny and Grandpa's house. Is your house not big enough to host them and they dont' wnat to be in a hotel? Or, and be totally honest, do you think your DIL feels uncomfortable in your home for some reason?

Yep! All of this!

When I was a child my dad was very firm that children should wake up on their own beds on Christmas Day, and he and my mum stand by it now with the grandchildren. I’m very thankful for that.

But the oldest one is 3, so it’s only been happening like this at Christmas for the last few years.

There are so many years to follow, I would cut them a bit of slack and make it easy for them whilst the children are so young. I’m sure they will come to you later.

I strongly recommend that you just take what you can get and don't push it. They said no. Your DIL is going to see her family far less if they are all in Serbia so that trip is going to be a big deal for her in a way that traveling to see you, won't be. You just have to accept it and be gracious.

But OP's grandchildren do NOT wake up in their own beds on Serbian Christmas day, so it's not something her DS and DIL are stressed about?

But then, I'm always a bit gobsmacked on MN by the "it's my little family and everyone else must such it up" attitude. We have travelled 1000s of miles to spend christmas with family, and then with us. We've scrunched up around tables that are too small and stayed in random hotels. We also regularly invite friends or other family who maybe don't have anywhere else togo.

Meanwhile, SIL's ex had to be accomodated completely every year. The one year they went to South Africa for Christmas to spend it with her family, they had to do a traditional english roast dinner because otherwise he'd be sad. Ridiculous in my opinion.

I would suck this up and go to them. If you make a big deal out of it you may not see them. Travelling with young children is a pain and you can actually see your church friends any day you like

I can understand them not wanting to travel with small kids at christmas then again in early January. I can also appreciate that she wants to be with her family, and presumably see friends, at her Christmas time.

Ask them to come and visit you at Easter perhaps?

You could go before Christmas instead and spend Christmas at home with friends. Just say next year you are staying at home ... they can join you or you will come to them and be back home by 23rd.

We always alternated travelling or staying at home at Christmas and have done the same with DC. Father Christmas always found us and them. What bed we were in was immaterial. It has never occurred to me any child was bothered about what house they were in. Wouldn't be a consideration for me. Seems a bit of a rod for your own back to be so uncompromising about how Christmas plays out.

As someone from Serbia, I might have some context regarding why they 'make the effort' to go visit over there, as opposed to the Serbian family coming over and perhaps it extends to why they don't give the same courtesy/joy your way ...

As Serbia is not in the EU, the cost of a visa for a single person is over £100, so if the family has multiple members that can quickly add up and also requires so much documentation, it's quite overwhelming. Visa appointments also need to be in person and in Belgrade so that's extra travel (if not from there) before the trip has even started. With local salaries smaller in Serbia, it's quite a mission for a whole family to visit!

Also fair what others have said re DIL visiting her culture & that being an opportunity to see old friends / cousins etc. which your son can do in the UK and probably does do during the year.

That doesn't mean you don't get to feel like you want to 'do' Christmas at your place ... but think others have given some very good ideas re visiting them a few days before / around the holidays. Or have them stay with you for another occasion which requires less gifts / admin?

You could try to convince them to travel up. Say you'll pay for their train tickets and festive events? But don't push it because the wife may not like it and may push you further away from them. I think you're lucky you get to holiday with them. Most threads I've read on here, the son hardly sees his parents at all.

Just an idea ... rent a house near London for all of you to spend Christmas together

This. Just go with the flow and enjoy...you are in London !! So much xmassy things to enjoy and new traditions to be made. Yes I can see your point a bit but if they don't drive then it is probably easier to go to Serbia than go up North (ironically!) Just enjoy the festivities, this time with small kids won't last long and it will bring new traditions.

I don't even know how I would be able to travel with two toddlers, the buggy, the suitcases and the presents on a packed slow train.

I suppose it depends on whether your home and church make Christmas or being around your son and his family. I absolutely love a Christmas at home. I think it’s fair to hope that they do alternate years at yours and theirs. And I think it’s ok for you to stay at home and enjoy Christmas there if they choose not to come. You could always FaceTime them a few times and watch the children opening presents.

YABU, to be honest you are very lucky you get to spend every Christmas with them instead of having to alternate. It’s nice for young kids to spend Christmas in their own home and it would be horrendous to have to take two kids and all the presents on a long train ride near Christmas. I think you’re actually being quite selfish given you have less commitments than they do and presumably are retired or are approaching retirement?

what does your husband want to do?

IMO the being uncompromising is wanting someone with a baby and a toddler to travel halfway across the country because you want to spend Christmas in your own home…!

for me? i’d suck up anything to be with my grandchild and child

sod how “christmassy” it feels

I think if they go every year to Serbia to her Family its tricky the expense of two journeys. I would invite them early December for a visit/holiday and stay home this Christmas. Christmas doesn't have to be the same every year and if you always go down to them there will come a time you can't do that and you will not have the Christmas at home bon homie as you haven't ever been there. I might also suggest you pay for the train fare for them. At least this way its an adventure not a chore as no hoiking of presents around etc and its just a visit.