Sad we will be spending another Christmas away from home

[RosenNn]

DH and I are very religious, we attend church weekly and it makes up a massive part of our life. We have 1 son, he lives in London and is married, his wife isn't British but they are also very religious. In her country they celebrate Christmas in January (Serbia) and they attend church often too but Orthodox Christian rather than Anglican which DH and I are.
They have 2 children who are 1 and 3, so far every year we have travelled to them for Christmas and Easter, we celebrate a typical British Christmas, including going to a CofE church near them. They live very central (Zone 1) so only have a 2 bed flat which is pretty tiny, this means we get a hotel. I find this so unfestive (even though my son checks in for us early and adds some little decorations). I miss our local church where all our friends are.
I asked if this year they would like to come to us and they have said no. It makes me really sad as they travel to her family in January for Christmas with them.
They only actually come to see us once a year in the summer, we go on holiday with them in October then travel to see them the other 2 times.
AIBU to be really sad it is another year away from home? Should I express how much id rather they came to us or suck it up?

That’s what families who actually care about each do. It really is no big deal; you just need to plan carefully.
It’s questions like this that make so sad for society. Why are younger parents so very selfish? This woman needs to see that her children have two sets of grandparents and the son needs to stop being such a wet blanket, hiding behind his partner.
What is this behaviour teaching the children? That’s it’s okay to be mean to some people?

@Proudtobeanortherner or that it's easier for two people to jump on a train than an entire family?

Before we got married, a relative of my now exH told us a short story of family expectations and how when she and her husband got married they started doing things differently. She said she's always felt it's important that when a couple get married, they create their own family traditions, which is what she made a point of telling her own children...alas the message was too subtle for my now ex, but his relative is an amazing woman I am still very fond of. Could it be time for your son and his wife to start creating their own traditions, or changing the existing habit a bit? Why do you have to travel to them every Christmas and Easter? You could stay home, socialise with your friends and go to your local Church, if that makes you happier; and see your son and his family another time. There's no reason for resentment on either side to creep in.

If you feel it's important to be with family at these particular times of year, then what can you do to address your issue of feeling 'unfestive'? It sounds like your son is quite thoughtful, decorating your acccommodation beforehand. But if it's not enough (and let's face it, there's a limit to what one can do in a hotel room), what else could you do to get good vibes elsewhere? Central London is incredibly festive at Christmas time. Could you make it a habit to go and see the Christmas lights in town or somewhere like Kew Gardens and have a meal out before going back to your hotel, or see a Christmas pantomime, or go to a concert at St Pauls etc? At the end of the day, a hotel is somewhere to sleep.

Isn't the Orthodox Christmas a week later than ours? if so, surely they could come to you at British Christmas, and go to her parents for a Serbian Christmas a week later?
As you are in the north east, perhaps they could fly there from your local airport?

A lot of parents both work 40-50 hours a week. All year.

They want to spend time in their own home. See their friends. Let their children wake up in their own beds on Christmas morning to see if Santa has arrived.

Relax, have some downtime. Not get everyone in the car and drive for 6 hours each way. Not have to manage their very young children x 2 in someone else’s house.

Younger parents aren’t ’so selfish’, they’re just trying to juggle a lot and for their children’s benefit (and their own sanity sometimes IMO) they have to prioritise what they think is best, not what their parents want.

This sounds exhausting with a baby and a toddler.

Then back to work and childcare for the next 20 weeks until they can take some PTO - happy days.

They're being unreasonable expecting you to be away every year. We always alternated grandparents at Christmas and only put ourselves into the mix as hosts once we had enough room. Travelling wasn't an issue, it's not that big a deal travelling with small children.

This seems ideal to me, and the children get another mini Christmas! (Sort of).

It is indeed easier, two than four but you’ve missed my point and part of the original post. They wouldn’t be travelling every year, perhaps every 3rd or 4th but it’s more about demonstrating to the son’s parents that they are loved and matter equally. Assuming that there is no backstory to this then son and partner should be making much more of an effort.

Younger parents selfish. Or their older parents being selfish expecting a whole family to traipse to them rather then two adults going to them.

Id say the grandparents would be the selfish ones.

When they visit Serbia it’s not just her parents is it. It’s her culture and making sure her children experience that. They live in London they get plenty of culture there.

Again though why is the dil getting the blame for a son who I presume has a working brain mouth and bank card to visit his parents if he wishes too 🙄

Yes exactly this. Best of both worlds.

I think the fact you have to go in a hotel makes the difference here. They should offer to come to you, they can rent a car just as easily as you can book a hotel room.

Stay home but visit them before for an Early Christmas. Forget about presents, EC is about a good meal, fun games and for you probably a church service.

There is no utility in wondering why they won't visit you, carve out what you can out of what's possible and see the positives in in.

Driving two young children six hours up north is harder than it is to stay in a nice hotel in London.

Do they drive?

I wouldn't fancy travelling up north on a train with a 1 and 3 year old. Especially with all the things needs for said children plus Christmas things. So I wouldn't dismiss it as just hopping on a train. Arranging meal times, naps, keeping kids entertained would be hard work... Think you've forgotten what it's like having small children.

Even if they had a car, that's a long journey for Christmas.

You don't have to go visit. Why don't you stay home and arrange to go visit them boxing day / or new year etc?

I'm sure once the kids are older they might more more open to visiting you one Christmas.

You could have a lovely Christmas with your husband and church community and to see your son and DiL either before or after Christmas for a dinner.
One year DH's parents went on holiday for Christmas so we did Christmas with his family on the 21st before they left, and it was great.

For me, it’s about being with family so I’d travel to them. I couldn’t miss out of Christmas Day with my dc and dgc. The church I would go to a service some other time, lots of them on around that time of year.

Four times a year is fairly infrequent to see family. My parents see their grandchildren every couple of weeks.

Anyway, OP I agree that you and DH should spend Christmas at home this year and see your son's family another time.

Could you spend Christmas at home and visit them for New Year?

@MidnightPatrol couldn't agree more- !

Seeing your son four times a year isn't that much...

I mean, it's all relative isn't it? But if you live in the same country as your children, I wouldn't say this is "a lot"

Are they actually expected them to be away every year or is the OP insisting that they spend Christmas Day together?

This. It's also really nice for your DGC to have the tradition of being at home for Christmas, always. It's lovely for them to invite you each year.

Thank you everyone. I wouldn't consider not seeing them at all on Christmas, not when the kids are so little, I'd rather travel than miss out, it would just be nice for them to see us here too sometimes.
Normally we go 21st-27th, do some things alone and some things with them, then around the start of the year they go to Serbia.
I don't feel like we don't see them enough, whenever we do see them its for almost a week, doing that 4 times a year means we spend a good amount of time with them!
They don't drive so it would have to be the train and we do lots of things to make it festive while there bit nothing compares to home.

Agreed but it’s not impossible- just think it’s a bit unfair that the OP does all the schlepping