Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

I am your DH.

I do not ever want to get married and I do not want to own a home with a partner.

I have a child from a previous relationship and my stability and her future is way more important to me than getting married or getting a joint tenancy.

You absolutely should be paying him half of the mortgage and bills.
You are living there too and it’s no different to you renting your own place somewhere.

He has been upfront and honest with you.

I am 100% on your DH’s side.

But I still think YANBU because you are just incompatible and you need to move out and find your own place and a man who wants similar things to you.

Oof, he really doesn't care about you at all does he?

Get out ASAP!

You think the op should have been able to live in his house for free? He's no prince, but it's ridiculous to say the op shouldn't have had to pay rent to live in his house.

The real issue here is that the op thought he would change his mind about marriage for her. He clearly will not. That's on her.

Tbh I don’t think there’s any point in ultimatums when the other person has made it abundantly clear that they are not interested in doing what the OP wants. Ultimatums are pointless, far better to just leave when you realise you’re not compatible, preferably way in advance of the point you’ve moved your kids in!

He already said he didn't want to get married again so that wasn't going to change. Why are you paying his mortgage? That's ridiculous. You knew the situation, you should have left him when you spoke about what you both wanted.

How much do you contribute to his mortgage, what percentage and is it more or less than you would pay in rent? Do you have your own private bedrooms for this?

Personally I would shelf the conversation, keep him at arms length for a few weeks while putting some offers down for your own property or if there’s none in your price range maybe look at the shared ownership ones for now. He doesn’t care about you or your kids. Tell him you are properly leaving when you are ready to go!

Neither or you are being unreasonable. You want different things from a relationship. Ending this one and finding someone to give you the commitment and financial security you want is probably your best course of action.

He can't honestly expect you to pay off his mortgage for his kids to inherit leaving yourself and your own kids destitute, what fucking planet is he living on. Get out and make sure you and yours are looked after, he's a CF! 💐

How have you ended up moving in & paying the mortgage without the commitment that you want?

There's an issue here but it's not marriage.

By stopping giving him money immediately, he might actually 'let her go', which he's promised to make difficult.
She needs to use her money to find a new place to live as quickly as possible rather than pay his mortgage.

So yes, I do think that for the immediate short term. She can pay her bills, but not his mortgage while she looks to get out of a toxic relationship.

If you are basically separated but living in the same house, especially since he plans to be unpleasant, withdraw from doing anything for him. I'd even go as far as to say stop paying any mortgage, just cover your own bills. He's been taking the mickey for too long!

Your title was "Partner Won't Marry Me" when it should've been
"Partner is an utter bastard who will gladly push me under the figurative bus and thinks its a green light to be a shit to me now I;ve called him out"

I don;'t think many will say "Umm why don't you get married"
More likely why don't you get a Solicitor appointment for your financial/legal contributions then leave him.

Definitely YANBU.
And stop paying towards his mortgage 😳
Better off without this sort of partner!
🍀

He just doesn’t sound like a nice person @Everythingwillbeokk

Honestly - you’re dodging a bullet.

This .. the audacity of someone to have you paying their mortgage when you could be left with nothing.

Shocking op, I would leave ASAP.

I wouldn't want to risk my home and my sons inheritance on a boyfriend either but I wouldn't expect him to pay my mortgage of for my sons benefit after I die!

What would you do if you were single?

You can -

• stop contributing to his mortgage. Then decide if he is willing to let you leave there for token rent/for free or move out and pay rent/get your own mortgage. If you can't afford to do that then you're probably on a decent deal with your boyfriend and can probably save up a deposit for your own investments (property or otherwise) while you live with him.

• say marriage is a deal breaker and move out and try to find someone to marry you.

• either way definitely don't do any wife work in the house that if you were renting you would expect a landlord to do as he is basically a live in landlord not a partner.

I think he should marry you if you gave up work to care for shared children or to do his laundry and school runs etc but it doesn't sound like you have.

He's told you, he's not unreasonable. It would be unreasonable for you to continue to pay towards his mortgage going forward though.

Time to leave. You don't have to dump him though if you're otherwise happy. You won't meet anyone who does r have a foot out of the door otherwise though.

But she is not paying his mortgage. She is paying rent and half utilities.

Isn't that an awful stance, when supposed to be in a loving committed relationship though!

He saw you coming, didn’t he? Stop paying a penny towards his mortgage and leave.

I’m guessing his children are now no longer old enough to need childcare. You’re now only useful to him financially, and now you’re not happy with the setup he can show his true colours.

He isn’t wrong to want to leave everything to his children, but this conversation should have happened long before you moved into his house.

I think you would be better getting your own house instead of paying his mortgage. I can understand why he wants his house to go to his children but you also need to secure the future for yourself and your children.
At least he is being honest to you so you can make your own plans

OP, I think this man is punishing and exploiting you because that makes him feel compensated for whatever happened during his divorce.

So in the event of your death you'd expect your partner to pay the mortgage and then be left homeless?
I get where you're coming from but i think this man is going a step too far.
This is a conversation that should have been made clear before moving in together