Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Ywbuto move into his house in the first place as you wanted different things. Move out and then decide if you want to carry on as bf/gf or look for another relationship that might end with marriage.

The more you update the more it sounds like this man does not even like you. You are convenient to him (doing all of the housework, providing financial security with your higher income, building up his assets) but he obviously does not love you. It sounds like he was only pretending to be nice to you, if he feels that is something he should now withdraw. Move out as soon as you can and focus on building your own security for you and your children.

What a cunt he is

My friend has recently had her partner move in with her.

She’s been married twice before and has 4 kids.

She doesn’t want him on the mortgage as she’s worked and saved hard to get it by herself.

He’s refusing to pay anything towards the mortgage unless his name goes on it.

I’ve told her that he doesn’t get to live there rent free.
They both get a similar wage but she’s paying half of the bills and all of the mortgage, whilst all he is paying for is half of the bills.

Posters on here would be saying that he’s right for doing that but I disagree.

I think he’s got it cushy and she should be asking him for rent.
We would ask our adult children to contribute to rent, so why not our adult partners.

I disagree that OP should pay his mortgage after he dies long term but I think it would benefit her to be allowed to live there for a year or so in that situation.

But this relationship is simply not compatible anyway, so the finer details don’t really matter.

You're probably not wrong, YaWeeFurryBastard, though maybe OP felt she wanted to give it one last try?

I'm wondering if you've posted about this before, @Everythingwillbeokk?
It's not a unique situation but the details are uncannily similar to a previous one, the only difference being that the idea of you paying for the house if he died has now emerged

Not that it really matters though; all that counts is that this isn't working and that you'll need to look elsewhere for the commitment you want, and I wish you only the best with it

My dad didn't want to marry the woman he met after he and my mum separated - his choice, but she was very upset by it.
He owned the house they lived in outright, but he did leave a portion of the house value to her in his will, (which is fair enough) and it allowed her to buy her own place after he died.

I'm sorry to be harsh but what the hell got into you? You're paying someone else's mortgage and cleaning his house and putting up with his shitty moods while begging for marriage - it's humiliating. I'm glad you're getting out of there, please get some therapy to work out why you did that in the first place.

@Choochoo21 I think in your friends situation her boyfriend should also be paying half the mortgage interest. As that's the rent part. But not the equity she's repaying- the money he saves he should be free to make his own investment with.

He sounds a complete and utter knob. Getting annoyed if he gets home and you haven't done all the housework! What century does he think he is living in. Please walk away from this man. You are worth more than this.

Agreed. She can ask him for rent. Or to pay for a larger proportion of food and the increase in council tax bill etc. What she shouldn’t do is ask for half the mortgage to be paid by him.

If he has kids and a mortgage he should have life insurance to pay it off if he dies not some mug of a partner

@GuestFeatu I agree. These situations can be like a boiling frog in a saucepan they happen gradually.

You don't ask your adult partner to pay you rent when they are living in your asset. That's not how a relationship should work. You either share the asset and pay into it jointly or one person maintains their asset and the other builds their own savings. Charging a partner rent (above their share of the running costs) is crappy.

I never thought you were being unreasonable initially OP- but following your updates, I think you have had a lucky escape!

You don't sound at all compatible and it sounds like to domestic drudge would fall unfairly on your shoulders, with you always at a financial disadvantage.

If it helps your resolve- I think you are right leave. I can't see a good reason here to stay actually

@Choochoo21 please tell your friend to see a solicitor URGENTLY AAs get a cohabitation agreement drawn up for her new partner to sign. Otherwise she needs to get rid of him now. It will never get any easier to do this.

You have clearly made a completely skivvy of yourself for a nasty man.
You should be happy that he has made it very clear that he thinks nothing of you and your children.
Have you proof that you have contributed to his morgage?
If so tell him you will be seeking repayment of your contributions.
You have been very silly.
He clearly has been using you with absolutely no intention of marrying you.
Stop doing anything for him or his children.
Any aggression, call the police.
Show that you hzve been paying towards the morgage.
If you feel used, its because he has been using you as a morgaging paying housekeeper.
Your children deserve so much better tjan this nasty man using their mother.
Reach out for suppfrom family and friends and get legal advice.

Given your latest update, it's time to stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, cleaning and anything else you do for him until you can move out. Just look after yourself.

He sees you as a live in housemaid, sex provider, someone who halves the amount he pays on his mortgage and bills. Whilst he reaps the financial benefits of home ownership (at half the cost).

He does not care about you enough to think that you also deserve financial security for yourself and your children. He is selfish. He only cares about himself.

I can understand his wish to protect his own finances, but if you earn similar amounts and you are offering solutions that mean you can both protect your finances and your own children………. And he doesn’t want that, he doesn’t think you should have the same security as him, he doesn’t see you as equal to him. He’s just not that into you.

Move out and find a relationship with someone who cares about you enough that they want equal security for both of you.

Neither of them is being unreasonable? I think he is, making her pay into the mortgage she'll then get none of...

Ikr!

I read that & was thinking "why would there still be a mortgage?"

Well done for not being a doormat and giving him an ultimatum. Sadly I think they relationship is doomed anyway - even if he agrees to marry you, you and he will always know that it was duress. And solely from your point of view, do you really want to get married to someone you had to force into it?

By payingg towards his mortgage, only one person is benefitting.

buying your own house, putting money into your pension benefits you and your children.

If you have been contributing to his mortgage and the upkeep of the house then I would go and speak to a solicitor as you may be eligible in having an interest in his property.

This is not taking it from his children you are entitled to it for paying for it.

I only mention this as he sounds like a nasty little man so would be nice for him to get some humbling

YABU to want to marry this absolute charm
of a man! I get the wanting to protect his children’s inheritence in the event of his death but it’s the updates you’ve posted that make me wonder wtf he brings to the party. You do all the housework, earn more, pay into his mortgage and are supposed to be happy! He then says he doesn’t have to be nice to you, I’d find somewhere as quickly as possible to dump this idiot on his arse.

Pretty sure when a man doesn’t contribute to a mortgage everyone says cocklogder!
She is paying rent to stay in his house. As the landlord he can then spend that rent on his mortgage. Pretty much the same happens in any private renting situation.