Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Also just to make it clear that I do understand protecting your children’s inheritance - again the massive irony is that I do stand to inherit well and have always made it clear that I intended to ensure the kids are all set up equally in the event that it would be me managing it. I’d never have it that his kids didn’t inherit as fairly as my own.

But yes I agree we want different things

The simple situation is that he lost so much financially in his divorce that he is not prepared to do it again.. I know someone who lost half his pension , has a £600,000 mortgage now when he had £60,000 one before plus he had to give her £136,000 cash too. He will never marry again.

he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage

You consider this contributing to a shared asset, whereas he sees this as you paying him rent. I can sympathise why you're happy about that.

He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children

This is taking this absolute piss. He wants the arrangement of you being just a renter, but with all the negative responsibilities of owning an asset.....without actually owning it!

I can understand him wanting to leave most or everything to his children, but he'll be doing that very much at your expense! That is not ok!

Walk away and get legal advice now. He's taking you for a ride OP.

I wouldn't want a partner of 5 years to get my pension or house in the even of my death either. I thinks he's being very sensible

He really is taking the mick. You will be much better off without him and so will your children. Don't be fooled by any false promises that he gives now. Move on and be happy.

Your post at 13.42 makes it clear that he is an absolute twat.

He's made it clear to me this morning that he intends to make the wait I have now in finding a new home for me and my children as awkward and difficult as possible. And no - we have nowhere to go short term
His life is going to be a lot harder when his sugar mummy moves out.
I would try to keep things as civil as possible whilst privately doing everything I could to work things to my advantage. Give him as little information as possible, or even misinformation if it suits 😊

His position is fine except hes a greedy fucker taking money off you for the mortgage, if you have no interest in the house then you shouldn't be paying towards the mortgage just the bills. That way you can invest in your own property for retirement.

His life insurance, savings or death in service benefit should be paying. His kids: his duty to provide for them.

Exactly. He's been clear from the beginning, seemingly. Why the angst now?

We have somewhere we have planned to go today prior to us having this discussion lastnight - I’m still ploughing ahead with it as I’m trying to be adult and reasonable. He asked me if I really meant what I have said about me leaving. I said yes. And he said good, just so I know that I don’t have to be nice to you anymore.

Hes an utter delight isn’t he.

I have to be honest I wouldn’t want to get married again with children. It’s a huge risk to their financial security.

You should have thrashed all this out before moving in and contributing to his mortgage, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

You need to separate and move out.

Yanbu. He's using you to pay half the bills and for convenient sex but gives no thought to what you want. I bet you do more than half the chores to.

His excuses are just that.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong here apart from expecting you to pay the mortgage if he dies which is bizarre. I can completely understand him wanting to protect his assets for his children. You clearly want very different things so I have to question why you moved in with him if you knew this was the case, it’s going to be very disruptive for your children. Please next time think carefully before moving your kids in with a man when you both want completely different things. I hope your move goes smoothly 💐.

Time to call quits on this. He has made it clear he does not want to get married again- fair enough. Divorce is not cheap and past experiences will have contributed to this stance. Expecting you to continue to pay 'rent' on a house which his kids will inherit is just completely unreasonable.

Make an exit strategy but maybe keep your cards close to your chest to ensure a less fractious break.

I contribute to his mortgage

or are you paying him rent ?
You wouldn't expect to live rent free?

When I see posts that say "you're paying the landlords mortgage" the renter is paying for a service , ie to live in a property . The landlord cannot use that property while its rented out

I'd wonder why you wanted to marry him , but if the roles were reversed I bet 99% of people would say "protect your children" which he is doing , protecting his children. .

He has the right to leave everything to his children. You have the right to walk away. 5 years should have been more than enough to make a decision. He is very clear.

I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving

Very wise, OP, as long as you mean it - there's no point in ultimatums which aren't followed through and they just make a position even weaker

Since he's been very clear about it I certainly can't blame him for not wanting to get married, but he's deluded in expecting you to pay for a house which will never be yours. A fair share of bills and living expenses yes, but the house itself definitely not

Good luck with it all though; this one hasn't worked out, but hopefully you'll find a much better prospect in time

I hope you can find something soon to get away from this man, sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Imagine how he’d treat your children if anything happened to you.

At least you know definitively now that he's been using you to prop up his own finances and his children's future inheritance, at your and your own children's expense.

He doesn't give a shit about you.

Don't give him another penny. Change all your account passwords immediately and start looking for a new home for yourself and your own DCs. Do NOTHING for him, including childcare for his children, and don't spend a penny on his children.

You need to get out of there.

but if the roles were reversed I bet 99% of people would say "protect your children" which he is doing , protecting his children

That is also what OP wants - they could easily buy a property as tenants in common with wills to leave their own share to their own children.

Together they would save in living costs and repair bills as a couple. They would both benefit. But OP can not continue to be in the precarious situation with being made homeless and nowhere to go should the worst happen.

Its not about role reversal, it’s about doing the best you can for your own children.

It is not unreasonable of him to want to pass his house on to his children. I think you should call it a day. And buy your own house

This he is putting his DC before you and you need to put your DC and yourself first. YANBU your plan to buy a 2 bedroom house is a good one and will give you security you lack ATM. He could kick you and your DC out at any moment and there would be nothing you could do. Look for a partner who wants to share your life with you and your DC, not use you to pay his mortgage so his kids can benefit.

I can see where you are both coming from however it's not right to me that you are paying a mortgage to a house that won't be yours. Either you should be buying a percentage of the house or your money should be spend elsewhere creating a nest egg for your future.

YA Definitely NBU. As someone else has said, you’ve been paying towards his assets which he has no intention of passing to you on his death. But no doubt he’d expect you to look after him if something happened to him.

Well done on telling him it’s not acceptable to you. It sounds like he doesn’t care enough. My DSis left a long term relationship for similar reasons. Scales fell from the eyes after a talk about financials and wills etc.