Partner won’t marry me

[Everythingwillbeokk]

Partner simply refuses to marry me. He is divorced, has 2 kids. I have never been married, also have 2 kids.

Together for 5 years, lived together for 3. I’ve made it clear I want marriage and commitment, he has made it clear he doesn’t - states he only ever wanted to get married once and it didn’t work out

He also refuses to commit to buying a house together and states it is because he wants only his children to benefit from his estate when he dies. I contribute to his mortgage and when I have really pushed the ‘if you died tomorrow what would you expect?’ He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children - I have told him this will therefore leave me in a position where I will potentially be homeless and elderly. Also he has a good pension set up, again he would not want me to benefit from this in the event of his death.

So I’ve given him an ultimatum - I’ve told him that if there’s no marriage, no commitment in any way, house purchase etc - then I am leaving. I have also started looking at rentals/smaller houses I can buy (I have a small deposit and a good income, I actually earn more than him)

Please someone tell me I am not BU 😓

Wow. He really wanted you to basically set the stage for his kids to inherit- meanwhile you have every intention of ensuring equality between the children and he could give less of a fuck about you or yours.

get out. He’s shown you his true colours. The fact he’s said he won’t even be nice to you! Jesus.

I assume that it will be treated like rent as she has been living in the house.

I have said to him that I feel like he has benefitted greatly from my side of the commitment. I WFH a lot and as a result I do ALL of the housework. He actually stated that he feels angry if he gets home and the housework is not done - I have made it clear that I WORK from home, I am not just at home, I’m working and therefore I am not just a housemaid.

The marriage side I have always made it clear that I wanted marriage, yes he has said he didn’t but has said around a year ago he is warming to the idea. We discussed selling his house and buying somewhere new a month or so ago - great I thought - finally getting some commitment. Then he said as I don’t have the exact same figure in my savings as the equity on his property that he won’t be buying with me - despite me saying he can ringfence his deposit.

As you’ve contributed towards his mortgage for 3 years, you may be able to make some kind of claim. 2 can play at difficult op. Horrible man.

You don’t usually sleep with your landlord.

You’re not really contributing to his mortgage though are you?
you are paying rent to live there which is not in the least bit unreasonable. If you live there after he dies then you should continue to pay rent til its sold though not necessarily the entire mortgage.

Why on earth would you split your inheritance with his kids? Thats also bonkers.
I do think he is being very intransigent though as could be a solution that works for you both so you should leave.

He’s treating you like a broken domestic appliance.

For 3 years you paid someone else's mortgage so their kids would benefit from the asset whilst your kids have nothing - shameful.

Would you even expect a future girlfriend to pay your mortgage off for your children (and presumably be an unpaid nanny for them too) if you suddenly died before retirement age? That's what ops partner is expecting

I think its absolutely fair enough not to want to get married and also to protect your children's inheritance. Very sensible.

When you say you're paying his mortgage, are you paying 50% of what the market rent would be for his house? As presumably he has equity and you haven't contributed to that which may have built up over years?

I have had similar issues where a partner expects to pay a small amount and thinks they are doing me a favour as it goes towards my mortgage, but actually they are saving a fortune vs the market rent, I've paid all the maintenance, buying costs etc

Regardless though, his reaction tells you he's not wanting the same as you and I'm sorry it is horrible to have to end a relationship you had high hopes for.

I WFH a lot and as a result I do ALL of the housework.

That's on you, op. You have allowed this. He's not a nice man but you have agency. You have been accepting this for years when you could have easily left. The writing has been on the wall forever, and you have ignored it.

Forget about this man changing his mind and get out of his house, as quickly as you can.

Not really sure why you are still with him. Your perspective of the issue is completely opposite.

And also, op has a deposit and a high income. If she bought a house and invited her boyfriend and his kids to move in, I doubt he'd be willing to pay her 'rent' instead of building equity in the home he lives.

I wouldn’t expect this but I also wouldn’t expect my partner to be homeless.

The alternative is that OP would lose her DP and then have to find somewhere else to live in the midst of grief.

I think for the short term at least, then she should be allowed to continue living there but that would obviously mean paying the mortgage as she can’t live there for free.

If he dies in 20years time then it’s not a problem but if it’s in the next couple of days then it is going to cause issues as it would not be fair for OP to be tied to living there.

I dont know what happens if a parent dies before paying off the mortgage and if I was him I would get legal advice.

This is definitely a conversation they should have had before moving in together and I think OP should be thinking about getting her own security and not relying on someone else for it.
Even buying a little flat and renting it out would be better than leaving herself in such a vulnerable position.

Leave leave leave leave. Get yourself a place and every day think ‘he’s going to have to do his own cleaning ha FUCK HIM’

Do not lift a finger for him or his kids now let their washing pile up let him cook his own food

Wow! What an absolute prick he is. I wouldn’t lift a finger for him again until I moved out.

Yes I think you should seek legal advice about this.

How much money have u paid into his mortgage? I think he’s been using you to help his finances.

I’d tell him nothing. You owe this callous, emotionally vacant dickhead nothing. It’s one thing to not to want to get married, it’s another to throw you and your DC under a bus.

Keep your cards close to your chest. Smile and don’t mention it again. Let him think everything’s ok. Meanwhile get your ducks in order, including an appointment to a solicitor. Can you get evidence that you’ve been paying his mortgage?

If so, leave and as you do leave him a parting gift saying you’ve consulted a solicitor and you will be making a claim on his property, or he can pay you the amount you are owed £XK or whatever. Let’s see how he feels when his behaviour comes back to bite him on the arse.

I'm just absolutely shocked that you think him not wanting to marry you is the problem.

You must protect yourself financially. I don't understand why he wont buy a house with you as long as he has same or more equity. You could buy as unequal partners if necessary, e.g. him 60%, you 40%. You could instead buy a rental property instead of investing in his mortgage.

The issue is that if he died tomorrow, he's prepared to leave you homeless, which is not right. You should have a lifetime interest (in his will) and then passes to his children.

There was a similar thread a couple of months ago, very rich chaperoning everything to ex wife. She left, if he won't compromise then you should too.

He has literally said he would want me to continue paying the entire mortgage and if/when I sell then the entire equity falls to his children

You'd be stupid to stay with him if that's what he thinks of you, to be blunt.

I’m so sorry op but yanbu. Any human being deserves more than that x

'Hes warming to the idea of marriage '. Aye, right. As I said up thread, he's got an inkling you are backing away and it was an attempt to keep you sweet. He has no intention of marrying you and you will put money into his house for his children while yours could be homeless alongside you. Get out now and have your own house. He can do his own housework.

I know 🙈