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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be home?

215 replies

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:08

not at all

but i can’t help but really feel sorry for the poor child stuck on this shit show

WinterisComing95 · 28/09/2024 15:09

YANBU but you would be if you allowed this to continue. Your child needs stability and a proper routine in place.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:10

stop this “loose arrangement”

sounds hell ish for your child to have this uncertain back and forth

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

OP posts:
WinterisComing95 · 28/09/2024 15:16

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

If that’s the case it might be a courtroom issue for a plan legally being put in place. It can’t force him to have DC on his time but it can protect your own time with them. I had to do a similar thing with my DD’s father because it’s unfair for the children to never know if they are coming and going. X

ChristmasFluff · 28/09/2024 15:19

Yup, if he's on the birth certificate I'd be going for a court order.

If he's not on the birth certificate I'd be stopping contact until he proves paternity and takes me to court - with full records and text/email evidence of what a crap father he's been so far.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:20

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:13

I totally agree my child needs routine, that's what I've asked for but he's so no committal due to work.

And seems he expects flexibility when it suits him.

I don't see it as fair when I do all the hard work all week with a toddler and working to then not be able to have a weekend with them.

so you know the long and short of him

and yet you continue to hope he will change

he won’t. So you are going to have progress OP, for your child’s sake. This is horribly unfair on your child and YOU must advocate for them

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:25

I also work and have to work around my child as a lone parent. He thinks his work and time is more important than mine.

I know I'm petty to have gone out and possibly made things worse, I don't know.

I don't want to end up in court.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:27

The family member he was sending round to collect my child is someone I've had problems with in the past, this person had a go while I was holding my baby and to be honest the thought of seeing them today and giving my child to them has made me anxious.

OP posts:
theeyeofdoe · 28/09/2024 15:29

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

Just say no. (But make sure you screen shot the messages about him not being available first).

then say that there will be no more swapping after this.

LostTheMarble · 28/09/2024 15:34

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:27

The family member he was sending round to collect my child is someone I've had problems with in the past, this person had a go while I was holding my baby and to be honest the thought of seeing them today and giving my child to them has made me anxious.

I know you don’t want to end up in court, but if this is the equivalent then maybe set boundaries is the best way forward. You shouldn’t have to face people who have been verbally abusive to you not put up with his flip flopping parenting. Does he pay CM?

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 15:38

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:25

I also work and have to work around my child as a lone parent. He thinks his work and time is more important than mine.

I know I'm petty to have gone out and possibly made things worse, I don't know.

I don't want to end up in court.

op you’re not petty to have gone out

you are being passive

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:10

moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

but it’s not a choice between passive and “reacting emotionally”

far from it

Maray1967 · 28/09/2024 17:15

You need a proper arrangement and to stick to it - bearing in mind that he won’t. So if he doesn’t have her on his weekend he goes not get the next one he wants, just the next scheduled one.

And you do not have to entertain or allow in or hand over your child to a member of his family who has had a go at you. He needs to turn up.

In your shoes I would have gone out too.

roseymoira · 28/09/2024 17:36

What is EOW? End of week or every other week?

If it's end of week, it can't be right that you never get any downtime with your child.

As he doesn't have PR, work out a schedule that works for you. If he hasn't available to have the child, fine the child stays at home with you.

Let him take you to court if he wants to be demanding, but I doubt he will bother by the sound of him

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:40

Yes EOW is every other weekend.

This is the thing I've tried being accommodating because I'm trying to act in the best interests of my child, which I think the way the law sees it is to see their Dad?

But then when he messes the weekends around it's like a power move almost to demand "his" weekend still?

But if we go by that then I never get any quality time.

And he thinks I should hand over to whoever he sends, he's barely ever available.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:43

OP

you being “accommodating” has not benefited you and more importantly, has not benefited your son.

chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:43

your version of “accommodating” is allowing him to rule the roost

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:44

He has threatened court before, and said he wants 50/50.

But I think the only way he'd manage this or close to this is to have every weekend, or Thurs-Mon.

So I think I'm subconsciously aware that he may be trying to establish this as the status quo (from what I've read if things are established already and child used to that the court will likely keep it that way!).

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 28/09/2024 17:46

This isn’t going to improve with time
Ball is in your court

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 17:47

You've done the right thing. No more swaps. If he cancels his weekend, he just gets the next scheduled one, he can't demand your weekend. I hope you managed to have a nice time out and about with your child.

My ex is like this. It's very hard to not give in to them for an easy life or to avoid court. However, I don't think Dads like this tend to end up going to court. They believe everything and everyone should drop everything because they say so. They don't want to fight or work for anything.

13Ghosts · 28/09/2024 17:49

moo899 · 28/09/2024 16:24

I'm being passive as I'm trying to stay calm and not bite with all his demanding and threatening messages.

He wants me to react emotionally and I'm trying my best not to

You did the best thing possible in light of your posts. You removed your child from a situation that could have become heated.

If he doesn't have any PR and isn't paying anything, stop changing things for him. If you want your child to see him, stick to agreed weekends. He can't do them, he misses that weekend. You are protecting your child, he's messing you around because you are letting him.

JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 17:53

Why doesn’t he have PR? Did he not want to be on the birth certificate?

itsgettingweird · 28/09/2024 17:55

moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:44

He has threatened court before, and said he wants 50/50.

But I think the only way he'd manage this or close to this is to have every weekend, or Thurs-Mon.

So I think I'm subconsciously aware that he may be trying to establish this as the status quo (from what I've read if things are established already and child used to that the court will likely keep it that way!).

He can't manage EOw due to work. Let him take you to court for 50/50. He'll have to manage work and child then and pay childcare.

But until then put in writing to him (email is best and to set up a specific email just for contacting him) sustains that it's detrimental to your child's well-being for contact to be changed so much. So you will agree to the current arrangement of EOw starting from 5/10/24. And that if he needs to arrange alternatives if he is working like you have to when you work.

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