To not be home?

[moo899]

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

Court and Child Arrangement Order. Otherwise you're giving into his power and control.
No way would I be happy giving over my small child to some random person your ex had elected. UNLESS I was confident that my child had a good relationship with them.

A friend's young child was dumped by the father with random relatives over Christmas who he didn't know, as he elected to work at last minute (lots of money for him). Poor kid had no presents and a miserable time.

I don't believe his work is so difficult... Am sure he's just saying this to excuse his future behavior.

This prince amongst men didn't want to even be named on birth certificate....

Why are you pandering to him??

What sort of relationship does he have with your child.?? Does kid look forward to seeing his dad??

She didn't agree AT ALL. How is she in the wrong for him to send relatives on a 4 hour trip? This is entirely on him. She had plans for her weekend (the weekend between is two weekends that she kindly allowed him to change) with her child and she was out, after saying no to him.

@chestnutroast I was using "just" as an intensifier in that sentence. I went out in the morning.

@13Ghosts

solicitor said I could either send a letter and start the process myself (mediation first then to family court if that failed), or I could leave the ball in his court and see if he does that himself.

and you interpreted this as the solicitor saying that the op had “first refusal”

as i say op, ignore this poster

He is talking rubbish. You don’t need to hand over your child to anyone . He bullying you @moo899
He has no rights and can’t call the police .

As said above send something written . That moving forward if you agree to a weekend change to suit him then you will be busy on the weekend you have your Dd and he can’t get both especially just to hand your Dd to a family member while he isn’t around.

Sounds like you should move the emails or the family app I’ve seen mentioned on here.
Also put in writing you do not agree or authorise anyone else to be at your property or collecting your child.

Time to stand up to this bully of a man .

For what it’s worth I’d have went out too I’d also have said “don't bother sending people to my home” .

the OP is
not “in the wrong” at all

but if she really doesn’t want to inflame the situation, then she needs to stop this kind of drama and engage with professionals in order to formalise the arrangements

You need to start keeping a diary of the plan, what actually happens and what was said. Keep screenshots of messages. If it does go to court you will need this.

You asked what it meant. I told you what it meant.

Are you a solicitor? Not a soldier, it's a solicitor. No, didn't think so.

My friend had exactly this condition placed on her fickle ex who kept messing around her daughter, she no longer sees her father at all because he couldn't be bothered to stick to the EOW and kept sending his mum. Don't attack people for posting when you have no experience and are just plain rude and uninformed.

Is he even allowed to send someone else to collect DC? Isn't that a safeguarding issue? Specially if you've had issues with a specific person in the past when DC was a baby?! I'd definitely mention that to your solicitor and whatever arrangements you demand, you make sure that no one else but the dad is allowed to do pick up, drop off AND looking after DC! Or, demand that he only has supervised visits!

If I'm really honest here I don't want to be handing my child over to his family members. They scare me, weren't very nice to me when I was pregnant (so by default weren't good to my child), his family had nothing to do with my child for a significant period and the only reason they are getting involved now is to facilitate his contact (I think). One of these people shouted at me in a public place when I was holding my child, I'd done nothing at all.

I really have done nothing, I've just kept my head down and raising my child, I've done everything myself. The only thing I've done wrong is keep the baby when he didn't want me to, which they hold against me. I also went to CMS which means I want his money and I'm a bad person.

ignore this posters advice re “first refusal”
and saying to ex that will only handover to him or people op agrees with

all nonsense

From what the solicitor said, currently I'm not obliged to hand dc over to anyone, not even exp as he's not on BC.

But I have been handing dc over to him for contact to try and keep things reasonable.

If it went to court, I'm not sure if I would have to hand dc over to another person if he's not collecting himself. Not sure how that works.

I know you don’t want to

and i sympathise

but you can’t do a bloomin thing about it op

Be some people's thinking should op stay home indefinitely incase her poor ex drives /sends a sap to collect the dc whenever it suits him ? Obviously not...
Without a court order you offer up when works for you and your dc.. Should he not wish to take up the offer it's basically tough shit if he misses out. Because it doesn't sound like the dc will miss out if he stays away.. He is a bully and a twat. Imo.

Yanbu. It is completely out of order for him to carry on like this, expecting to dictate your time on his whims. He is a controller. He is furious that you have dared to dismiss his control.

You didn't agree to his change of plans and the fact that he went ahead with them is his problem.

I think you've been really brave to stand up to him. The situation as it is couldn't continue and I think this will bring things to head. Good luck dealing with him. He sounds atrocious.

I know this won't be a popular idea, but sometimes, children don't NEED contact with one of the parents just because they're the parent. I don't agree with saying "the child needs their dad/mum" when that person is actually toxic and disrespectful of boundaries and wellbeing! In this case, as he didn't want you to keep the child in the 1st place, isn't on the BC and doesn't have PR, and can't even be bothered to do the actual childcare himself most of the time, I would actually cut him off your life and your child's life altogether. It will be hard, probably sad for your DC for a while, and you'll definitely need to make sure you get a solicitor and make it official that the dad can't be in your lives, but it'd be for the best. When older, if DC want to make contact with their dad, then up to them.

Write to him: if you want to see the child, you pick them up and return on these dates.

No exceptions. No swaps. No discussions, it’s all in writing.

That is still above and beyond what he is entitled to (nothing right now).

When hesitant, remember it’s for your child’s sake as well as yours. You’ve done well to stand up for yourself.

@Ppzd I think if I was to cut contact, he would take the matter to court.

He cares more than anything about what other people think, and now that people know about our child he wouldn't want to look like a deadbeat dad.

He got away with it in pregnancy and the early days as he told people the baby wasn't his, even though we were in a relationship for years.

He will do anything to make himself the victim and me look like the bad one.

I think he wants to get the CMS amount down too.

I'm not against him having regular contact with our child as a whole, it just needs to be on the right terms for dc. And also me I don't want to be messed about.

@chestnutroast I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it right now. I need to collect my thoughts as it's all been very stressful.

From what others are saying I can't dictate who collects our child though?

@moo899 him not wanting to look a certain way or wanting to go to court and such is a him problem. I may be wrong, but the fact he isn't on the BC means he doesn't really have a leg to stand on anyway? The question is "what do you want?". If for you and your child to lead a healthy, safe, stable life is for him to be out of the picture, then focus on that and try and put things into place for that to happen (solicitor, etc.). I don't know if that would mean going without his money and if that is something you could afford to live without, though, I recognise that.

In the situation described in your original post, I would have agreed to the swap for this weekend unless something unchangeable had been planned, because 2 days notice seems fair. However when the child was dropped off again after I'd have spoken to him or messaged him and told him that as he'd swapped again, he wouldn't be having the child the weekend after, and that I wouldn't be doing any future swapping due to all the upheaval.