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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be home?

215 replies

moo899 · 28/09/2024 15:06

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:57

JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 17:53

Why doesn’t he have PR? Did he not want to be on the birth certificate?

He didn't want to be.

He then denied our child was his and a DNA test was done through CMS.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 18:01

Laszlomydarling · 28/09/2024 17:47

You've done the right thing. No more swaps. If he cancels his weekend, he just gets the next scheduled one, he can't demand your weekend. I hope you managed to have a nice time out and about with your child.

My ex is like this. It's very hard to not give in to them for an easy life or to avoid court. However, I don't think Dads like this tend to end up going to court. They believe everything and everyone should drop everything because they say so. They don't want to fight or work for anything.

This is a good way to approach it. I think I'm just too soft sometimes.

I also know if he's not available if I say strictly his weekend or none if he's not available he'll just send someone else to collect and have someone else look after my child which I really don't want, they're only young. I feel better if it's him.

We did have a lovely day thank you for asking, one of the best we've had in a while!

OP posts:
Delphiniumandlupins · 28/09/2024 18:44

Do you really think things would be worse if he did go to court?

JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 19:20

moo899 · 28/09/2024 17:57

He didn't want to be.

He then denied our child was his and a DNA test was done through CMS.

Show quote history

Then I would set the days for him to have access and if isn’t able to uphold those, then he will need to go to court to get it changed and get PR.

Original poster
moo899 · 28/09/2024 19:29

@JumperStripes I don't want to give him ideas about getting PR... because he seems oblivious at the moment

OP posts:
JumperStripes · 28/09/2024 19:38

moo899 · 28/09/2024 19:29

@JumperStripes I don't want to give him ideas about getting PR... because he seems oblivious at the moment

Sorry, I didn’t mean to suggest you do that at all. Just give him the contact days that suit you and it’s up to him to sort out otherwise.

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:38

That's a fair point.

I think I've been trying to be reasonable so far as I'm conscious if I don't agree to what he wants then he may take it to court.

OP posts:
MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:46

What was his reaction when you weren’t at home?

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:51

MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:46

What was his reaction when you weren’t at home?

Well it wasn't him collecting, it was a family member.

He called repeatedly (I didn't answer).

Text to say I was going to regret this

Some other texts

And also text to say he was calling the police

OP posts:
MSLRT · 29/09/2024 08:55

moo899 · 29/09/2024 08:51

Well it wasn't him collecting, it was a family member.

He called repeatedly (I didn't answer).

Text to say I was going to regret this

Some other texts

And also text to say he was calling the police

Show quote history

Let him crack on. Not sure what the police would do - no crime has been committed. Good for you.

Laszlomydarling · 29/09/2024 08:56

I would send a message today stating all communication in writing from now on (text/WhatsApp/email) and never answer the phone again.

This is what I did. And I always had proof of what had been arranged. It helped somewhat. Obviously he'll still try to bully you, but you'll know exactly what was said and when it was said.

Saying 'you'll regret this' is a threat. I'd consider speaking to the police yourself.

Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:01

He's playing you and trying to make your life miserable ( and succeeding).Go through the proper channels and get it formalised. He'll have to stick to it then . Keep a diary of times and incidents. Good luck.x

Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:07

Not suggesting you do this, but personally I'd call his bluff and take it to court. Then he can't keep threatening you and holding you to ransom. I feel so angry for you.

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:08

I feel like it all is a bit of a game and power on his part.

He's said before that I've been rude and nasty to him at collections but I never have been, I've always been civil and polite to him, asking if they've had a good day together etc.

But it makes me question my own reality.

He has also made out I am totally out of line for not being at home when his relatives have shown up, however I never agreed to the day so I'm not sure what he was thinking getting them to drive over.

But it will be used against me I'm sure.

OP posts:
Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:09

Pussycat22 · 29/09/2024 09:07

Not suggesting you do this, but personally I'd call his bluff and take it to court. Then he can't keep threatening you and holding you to ransom. I feel so angry for you.

I did see a solicitor at one point. But everyone I speak to just says to let him carry on, as it's his job to take it to court not mine as he doesn't even have PR.

OP posts:
Temporaryname158 · 29/09/2024 09:11

It was your weekend with your child. Why would you be home.

as others have suggested formally write to him stating EOW and that missed weekends will not be re-arranged to suit him. He needs to make himself available for his weekend.

keep a list of his written threats (involve the police, inform them of his latest threat) and go to court if he doesn’t stick to the arrangement.

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:13

Temporaryname158 · 29/09/2024 09:11

It was your weekend with your child. Why would you be home.

as others have suggested formally write to him stating EOW and that missed weekends will not be re-arranged to suit him. He needs to make himself available for his weekend.

keep a list of his written threats (involve the police, inform them of his latest threat) and go to court if he doesn’t stick to the arrangement.

It was technically his weekend, but he had my weekend last weekend. And will have my weekend next weekend.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 29/09/2024 09:14

moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:09

I did see a solicitor at one point. But everyone I speak to just says to let him carry on, as it's his job to take it to court not mine as he doesn't even have PR.

Show quote history

forgetting “everyone”

what did the solicitor say?

OP, have you decided what you’re going to do? Because what you outline in your OP is unfair on your child and as he becomes increasingly aware of the situation… this will become stressful for him

DeliciousApples · 29/09/2024 09:20

Honestly, I'd have thought that texting prior and saving the family member a trip would have been a better way to behave, ie telling ex that I'm not presided to hand dc over to family member, the whole point of you seeing your child is to actually be there to see him, so if you're not I'm not handing my child to random family members in your absence because you can't manage your own schedule.

I would defo show the police the threatening text. He's angry and embarrassed now in front of his family member. Who knows what he could do to save face. Prick.

You've tried it the nice way.
He's being a prick.
Time to try it a different way.

Do everything through official channels. Seems fairly obvious that he wouldn't be able to take dc for 50/50 custody when he can't even manage two of his weekends in a row let alone half the working week too.

And this crap about he's working, is it shift working or overtime? He needs to get his priorities in order. His child should come first. He can't just chop and change. Prob thinks he'll have to pay less if he sees dc more. But he has to put the child's well-being first.

Coruscations · 29/09/2024 09:23

In your shoes I would be quite happy for him to take this to court. It would be your chance to explain the problems he is causing and how this is harming your child, and to ask for an arrangement which sets out clearly that he has to stick to it or forego contact - he can't expect you to change the arrangements on demand.

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:24

@chestnutroast solicitor said I could either send a letter and start the process myself (mediation first then to family court if that failed), or I could leave the ball in his court and see if he does that himself.

OP posts:
poetryandwine · 29/09/2024 09:25

It’a already a stressful situation for you, OP. How will court make it worse?

As PP says, the only opinion that mayters is your solicitor’s. FWIW I think a judge would share out the quality time - weekends - and I very much doubt that your ex will actually bother going to court anyway.

Just keep to the schedule, keep excellent records of relevant communications, and check out the situation with a solicitor. Best wishes

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:25

@DeliciousApples I agree I could have acted better. I suppose not being there was my way of trying to take back some control, as I did tell him I'd not agreed to it.

He said he's seen a solicitor and I would be obliged to hand dc over to whoever he sends to collect on "his time".

He's not a shift worker but does a job that has an irregular pattern.

OP posts:
chestnutroast · 29/09/2024 09:26

send him a message

“We need to formalise arrangements. We can either sit down together and work this out and agree to stick with it. Or we can go down the mediation route. Please let me know by the end of the day, otherwise i will presume mediation and progress”

Parent up OP

Original poster
moo899 · 29/09/2024 09:28

poetryandwine · 29/09/2024 09:25

It’a already a stressful situation for you, OP. How will court make it worse?

As PP says, the only opinion that mayters is your solicitor’s. FWIW I think a judge would share out the quality time - weekends - and I very much doubt that your ex will actually bother going to court anyway.

Just keep to the schedule, keep excellent records of relevant communications, and check out the situation with a solicitor. Best wishes

He doesn't live very close to us at all, nor does his family. I haven't moved, I've always lived where I do with dc.

The only way I can see 50/50 working is if he has a long weekend with dc every weekend. He couldn't take them to nursery or school as it's just too far. I'm taking hours.

I don't think court would make it worse as such, it's just the extra stress of the process and maybe worry of him getting what he wants.

OP posts: