To not be home?

[moo899]

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

Yes she can. At the moment OP holds all the cards.

• she is resident parent
• she has PR
• she is protecting her child from people who have verbally abused them in the street

He on the other hand is in a completely different situation. He doesn’t have PR He is not maintaining regular contact He is sending people who are not safe and stable people around the child

Op is well within her rights to not hand over the child to anyone, as her solicitor has told her, and that remains the case until decided otherwise by the courts.

Your solicitor already told you he has no rights right now until he goes to court, when he would likely get the EOW formalized.

So yes, you can dictate who picks up your child. It may be annoying to him and the people he sends, that is anotber matter, but it is absolutely your right.

again, you are acting in your child’s best interest.

She had already swapped and he had the weekend previous and then the one after. He then decided he wanted his original weekend as well . So OP said no it was her time with her Dd

He can’t swap and take every weekend . It’s game playing and messing everyone around

Please keep standing your ground. He needs to shape up, instead of bullying you to give in to his demands.

Your ex partner is using your child as a power play to control you. He has no PR so he has no say in if he has the child or not, what he would need to do is petition the court to be put on the birth cert and establish parental rights with a new birth cert being issued, then file a motion for visitation/custody. He would not be given 50/50 due to his unreliable working pattern and childs lack of relationship with his family. He can ask for EOW and you can ask for first right of refusal and no swaping weekends due to childs stablity. I would tell ExP that you have consulted a solicitor and it is in his hands to take you to court and until there is a court order you are 1. not swapping weekends, 2. not handing child over to anyone but him due to safe guarding and as you are the sole parent on the birth cert its soley down to you to make the decisions. Keep all communication to text/e.mail as there will be a trail, keep a calm tone in the messages. When he gets abusive in txts, tell him you're sorry he feels that way, that you are keeping a record of messages and if it does escalate tell him you feel unsafe and will no longer be engaging until he can talk calmly. Do this every single time. Also get a door bell camera that records sound so that if he/family comes to your door theres always a record. Atm he's having it easy, once you start becoming more firm and not letting him have his own way, it will be more trouble than its worth to him, he denied the child was his until forced to, I would be surprised even he ever went to court about this.

Yes I bet.
Feel really sorry for you. People like him are an absolute nightmare to deal with. They have no invested interest in getting along, only in control and self. They will kick back at any attempt at reason in order to maintain the upper hand. It's exhausting and intimidating. Awful creatures.

A saying I like might apply here.

Never wrestle with a pig in the mud. You both get filthy and the pig likes it.

He is fiery so you must stay very cool. He threatened you with police...what would he tell them? He's a clown.
Give him enough rope and he'll hang himself. Stay. Cool.

@Imbusytodaysorry has it spot on.

I've already swapped weekends due to his schedule.

He's actually away working this weekend, which is his scheduled weekend. So he's not available to see dc at all.

He decided a couple of days beforehand that he was sending relatives to collect dc for "his" scheduled weekend. My dc wouldn't have seen him this weekend and would have been staying with his family.

I don't see that to benefit my dc, when they could be spending time with me, and I've already lost 2 of "my" weekends due to swapping for him.

You are completely in the right. No worries.
He hasn't a leg to stand on. He's just being a cunt at random and he's not good at hiding it.

Laugh at him if you can. In a black humour moment.

He is not behaving in the best interests of the child and that is first and foremost what the courts will be looking for.
Screenshot and keep a record of everything.
How on earth is he going to parent on a 50/50 basis when he can't establish a routine at the moment?
Expecting a child to be handed over to whomever he despatches on 'his' weekend is not responsible parenting on his part at all.
Whatever he chooses to do about this situation, the courts will look at what you have reasonably done to co-parent and similarly how reasonable he has been too. So far, it would seem he is heading for a big wake up call.
Bullies bully because they can. Stand your ground, continue to act in the best interest of your child but be careful not to give him anything to chuck back at you.
Stay strong, always keep your child safe and quietly carry on being the better parent and watch his big ego get deflated bit by bit. Trust me, it's the best feeling in the world!

Surely if he cannot look after your DC when it's his time, he should arrange for care?

You are the default carer that is expected to change at the drop of a hat.

OP, I’m not going to tell you what to do but may I suggest you look into getting a co-parenting app and keep all communications with the father on there ? My understanding is that conversations can’t be edited or deleted so if you keep everything clear and factual he won’t be able to contradict you at a later date. I would suggest keeping conversations strictly limited to arrangements about him spending time with the child and don’t mention CMS or any other monetary issues.There are free co-parenting apps, I suggest having a look on the CAFCASS website as a start

I’d remind everyone that PR means Parental Responsibility not Parental Rights. If every other weekend has been agreed those dates can be entered into the co-parenting app calendar and any changes will have to be documented.Father can ask and demand all he likes but currently you, OP, are the one with PR and are resident parent, so you have the right and responsibility to decide to who you hand your child, to spend time with their father or for any other reason. Courts usually expect the parents to do hand over unless there is violence documented but others may be named for handover if there are good reasons but usually by mutual agreement.

Whether you instigate Court proceedings or not is up to you. As PPs have said, he won’t get anywhere by calling the Police or any other services without being on the BC/having PR, so if he wants a more formal situation he will have to start Court proceedings himself.

If he shows no consistency with EOW he would be very unlikely to get 50:50.

Hi OP, what a stressful situation for you, and maybe DC will be picking up on your stress, which isn't good.

I suggest - Ring doorbell cam so you have proof it's never ex who collects and returns DC (remeber to download the footage and email to yourself);
Screenshot all his requests to swap weekends or change arrangements;
Keep a Google calendar just for childcare arrangements - mark all your and his weekends using two different colours, then edit any weekend he's changed using the word CANCELLED in caps to really standout.

That way if it goes to court you'll have absolute proof and a clear record of what the situation is / was.

Good luck..

As your child is so young just stop contact and let him take it to court at least you will have regular times and no where you stand

I wouldn’t swap anymore. If you have an agreement of 50/50 and he can’t make his weekend then tough.

Record all interactions at pick up/drop off, you can just record on your phone in your pocket or similar, or a ring doorbell if it’s at the house.

I wouldn’t hand your dc over to anyone but him.

let him take you to court. He may then request for someone to do pick ups on his behalf but you had have the option to come to a mutual agreement on who that was.

I think you should write to him to say ‘the current arrangement is every other weekend. You told me you could not make this weekend and so I had made other plans. Telling me 2 days beforehand that your plans have changed is not helpful.

X week is your next weekend with DC and every other week after that. So please arrange your weekends accordingly. I will not be swapping weekends around any longer, as this causes confusion for all parties. If you can’t make a certain weekend that is fine, we will just stick to the same schedule and I will cover the weekend you cannot do’

Also “you will regret this” is ominous and honestly I would call the police to log it / get advice.

Well, that's not true as you don't have a court ordered arrangement for you to break.

You have been flexible but he is just taking advantage. He doesn't get to swap the days so he sees DC on your time but then expects to still see DC on his time.

He is just trying to scare you by saying that you would be obliged to hand dc over to whoever he sends to collect on 'his time'. It wasn't even 'his time' because he had swapped the days.

I appreciate all the great advice here.

At the moment I'm a little stuck with going back and enforcing "his" weekend and no swaps from here on in. This is because I have a holiday booked that is coming up soon, this falls over his weekend. It's not refundable and it was booked when I was parenting completely on my own and he wasn't seeing dc regularly.

She did accommodate him. She swapped the days as he requested. Therefore, what was previously his day to have the DC was now her day. She told him not to send the relative to collect the DC but he did it anyway.

He is just trying to intimidate her.

It was booked before the arrangement was in place though so just say that. It's not a democracy, you are the child's main caregiver and the only one with PR, you are in charge. Remind yourself of that.

If you're child is under 3, they are still building attachment. It is CRUCIAL that they spend enough time with their primary attachment figure - which is you.
He already barely sees you during the week. If there is a secondary attachment figure - fair. But a young child cannot go to a random family member willy nilly. It is really not good for your son. Think about how you would feel? Never knowing f you are coming or going. If you are leaving mom, you don't even know where you're going. Could be dad or could be anyone from his family. This is damaging. I'm not saying it to make you feel bad, but to make you more determined to stand up for yourself and your son. You can never get the early attachment forming years back.

OP you have to remember “he has no rights” you can do as you please he has to suck it up or go to court .
I am not saying be unreasonable and you have been more than accommodating but do remember it only falls on “his weekend “ if you allow it .

This holiday has been booked when he was around he does not get to dictate. .please stand strong .
Don’t live in fear of courts and threats.
Live your life with your Dd .

You Need to go back to a solicitor and get proper legal advice about all these issues.

Child is under 3. And I work full time so they are in nursery all week. I'm so sad about it tbh but I've no one to help me and I need to put a roof over their head.

He has used this as an argument before when I've used the words "primary carer", he says I'm not and I'm no better than him as dc goes to nursery.

@Imbusytodaysorry I do appreciate it's only "his" time at the moment if I allow it due to him having no PR.

I was trying to be reasonable though so I don't look horrible if it goes to court in future.