To not be home?

[moo899]

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

re holding back because of your holiday

presumably you had childcare arrangements in place anyway if you booked before he was involved?

Sorry I wasn't clearer- I've got a holiday booked with dc, and we are going abroad. This falls over what would be "his" weekend. But was booked before we came to this arrangement.

It's only been a couple of months since he's wanted to start seeing dc regularly.

but when you were agreeing the arrangement… why didn’t you mention the holiday you’d already booked rather than agree to him having the weekend when you knew you had a holiday planned?

Yes he knows about the holiday, and he's been offered an alternative weekend (the one before)

i’m confused

so he knows you have a holiday booked

and the current arrangement is that he will be having his son on the weekend that you will be on holiday

when you say “arrangement”… do you mean you agreed or he told you?

correct?

surely you just said

”that weekend is out as i’ve already booked a holiday for us”

Sorry @hillroad.

What I mean is that. When we came to the arrangement of every other weekend- say me X and him Y so

Weekend XYXYXYX

My holiday falls on a Y weekend. I have already told him about it

But he still views it as being "his" weekend.

He's acknowledged the holiday and didn't seem to have any issue at first, said seeing dc weekend before or after is fine then we will get back on schedule.

After yesterday he's now said he's not giving permission for it (I know he's not got a leg to stand on but anyway)

@moo899 honestly, take this to court. Have copies of all communications between you where he has asked for swaps to be made and where he expected to have 3 weekends in a row with your child.

He might wish to have 50/50 but it doesn't mean he will automatically get it.

You will be seen as favourable by the courts by allowing him to have the child eow without it being court enforced as well as you being flexible to his demands for changes to be made.
No judge would think you unreasonable for not responding to demands via text to hand over your child to a 3rd party, at short notice, when no arrangements had been made.

Does this man pay anything towards his child?

ah got it.

Well the casual informality of it all for once swings in your favour.

when you say a couple of months…. how many times has he rescheduled?

Is your child happy to spend time with him OP?

It does, but when he started asking for this regular time with dc I did inform him of this preplanned holiday, and stated that after x date I would ensure I don't plan any other commitments over his time.

They're too young to say much, but I think so? As it's over the weekend I think he normally takes them out to the zoo, soft play etc fun days out

3 times since July

You need to simplify this for yourself. Be more black and white.

Your ex has EOW. He misses his weekend you don't rearrange.

You only hand child over to him. Doesn't matter if he's sending someone else. Only him.

You don't answer calls from him. Communication only through WhatsApp and email.

If he threatens court, he threatens court. I doubt he'll be bothered to actually do anything. If you do go to court you will have all communication written down. Evidence of him missing weekends and sending others to pick up his kids (which isn't on btw - you're not expected to just trust any random relative that turns up) and the threats.

Set all this in an email/WhatsApp and stick to it. Let him rage.

Stop accomodating his shitty parenting, and stop letting him mess you and his son around. Stop tying yourself in knots with all the maybes. It's not going to happen and it's not worth your time.

You have every right to do this, just tell him, again in writing and keep a copy and proof of postage and tell him by text, that you had already booked a holiday for you and your child for a full week, prior to him starting to see his child and as such he will not be able to see his XXX that weekend but he can have baby the weekend after?

Just know that you are the legal parent, you have parental rights, he currently has no rights whatsoever and you are being fair allowing him access - I get you don't want to push this though. Nonetheless, allowing him access in these difficult circumstances proves you have your childs best interests at heart. And just to confirm that above and beyond your legal status as parent, you look after your child 12 days out of 14, so by an definition you are the primary care giver.

Firstly, imagine that every communication you send is going to be read out in court. I doubt he will bother, but it’s a good habit to get in to.

I would send an email along the following lines:

Dear x
You have asked to rearrange 3 of your 7 weekends since you began to see xx in July. I have been flexible in the arrangements, but going forward I think it would be helpful to both of us to plan your contact weekends in 3 month blocks. This way we can ensure that we have an equal number of weekends with xx, whilst accommodating your work schedule.

[Then put in a table of the weekends already assigned including your holiday.]

Please let me know by the end of the week any days that you are unavailable and I will see if I am able to accommodate your changes.

Please note that contact weekends are for xx to spend time with you. If you are unexpectedly unavailable, I will keep xx with me. Due to the abuse that I have previously received from XX, they are not welcome at any handovers and I will only be allowing xx to leave with yourself.

Best wishes etc

I agree that you should avoid reminding him that he has no parental responsibility until absolutely necessary. Don’t give him a chance to make any emergency court applications before your holiday. Also make sure you take a copy of the birth certificate with you.

Good luck!

Get yourself a Ring doorbell so you can see who has come to collect and only answer the door to him. Plus it shows when he picked up and dropped off.
If he's getting very arsey, I'd keep all his messages and emails and I'd stop contact and let him take you to court.
He can't stop your holiday he's not on the BC and doesn't have PR.
watch he doesn't try to mess with the holiday in other ways, Would he keep the child and not give her back if you give him the weekend before the holiday?

Hi op,

it is a tough one.
if you want the arrangement to remain loose and flexible. You can say that you will not have three week ends in a row without child. If he disagrees, let him do the court order.

he knows when his week ends are his apparently so let him organise himself and keep the boundaries firm for the sake of your kiddo.

Gosh, I really feel for you, he sounds like a real piece of work! You’ve absolutely done the right thing to go out, why should you feel anxious and threatened because he’s sending someone round who intimidates you? Moving forward, I would just tell him that no longer will you accommodate any changes. If he can’t have his child on his weekend then he misses out completely and has to wait until the next weekend is due. Also let him know that you will not be handing over your child to anyone but him. You need to let him know that your child needs stability and this is not it. I wish you all the best.

He's escalating and sending me nasty messages stating his "lawyer" has said I'm to share the driving to him so he can see dc, it's not fair on him to do it all and spend hours in the car

Message him and say you'll wait for the lawyers letter and then your lawyer can see it, until then it's staying as is.

Op you have given him way too much power.. Holiday with your dc guilt free. Claim cms guilt free.. Block the fucking idiot guilt free.
Remember solicitor will write whatever shit they are paid to send...
You are tying yourself in knots for a very recent and part time knob who is inserting himself in your lives to cause trouble not be a decent df... What decent df begrudge paying cms or letting dc have a holiday?.
Unelss a judge orders something he needs accept whatever times you offer that suit you and your dc..

I am glad you went out.
You do not have to be exposed to an abusive person at your door.
Please understand you have to put your child & yourself first.
If the Dad is unavailable then perhaps he misses that weekend and can not change it to land on your weekend.
A court order is not to be looked at as a a bad option more a set stable arrangement.
If you work and habe mesdages, lunatics arriving you surely need a set arrangement or start to say No.
Can you have someone with you at hand over times?
Send the text messgages to email and keep them to show what is going on , then visit a lawyer.
Op, put a tresspass order on the person who abused you.
Push back, Stand up for yourself and for goodness sake do not feel bad to have gone out.
I think many fear court yet it empowers you to put some structure, fairness and less nonsense in place to move on.
Some Dads thrive on demands, so why let him. Turn off your phone!.

Would a court order me to do half the driving? I've always lived where I do with my dc, they were born here. It's his choice to live so far away surely?
I have a massive commute to my job every day, so all the drop offs and collection of dc, driving to any appointments or activities. He does none then is complaining about having to do the driving to see his own dc that he allegedly wants to spend time with? Does anyone know?