To not be home?

[moo899]

Has already happened now so I guess more of a Was IBU...

My exdp and I share a young child. He's got no PR currently, we just have a loose arrangement between us for EOW at the moment.

He's quite demanding and nasty for context.

Recently I've had to swap a lot of "his" days for him as he's not been available on the agreed days. Fine.

Saw DC last weekend due to this. Seeing DC next weekend too.

This weekend is "his" weekend... but he said he wasn't available due to work hence the swaps.

He decided 2 days ago to text me and tell me that it's his weekend and a family member will come to collect our DC.

I queried this as we have already swapped around weekends as he said he was working, and this would mean I wouldn't get a weekend with child for 3 weeks in a row.

He told me it's too bad and X will be collecting child at a certain time today.

I've just gone out.

Have I been unreasonable?

Why not? Well too bad for the sake of your child the arrangements need to be set out in court.

It would be easy for him to get PR in court and the court is unlikely to have a positive reaction to OP blocking contact because he hasn't got PR when she knows full well he's the father. Just because something is technically legal doesn't mean it's a good idea to do it. You can ask a lawyers advice on this OP, but tread lightly, it could backfire badly.

You need very firm boundaries here OP. I would say something in writing like "As I agreed to you wanting to swap weekends to accommodate your working schedule this was no longer your weekend and I won't be handing child over to someone else on my weekend now or in the future. If you aren't willing to stick to the agreements made I will no longer be able to be flexible to accommodate your needs. I am trying to support you having a relationship with child, but if you're going to then demand your weekend when I kindly changed things around for you we will have to stick strictly to the schedule. Unless you can assure me this will never happen again we are going to stick to the schedule going forward which means your next times with child are x and y date, then every fortnight after that." I would be writing down every interaction from now on, every time he doesn't have his child, the times he's nasty and so. Plan like you're going to court in case you need to. On handing over to someone he sends I'd be asking a lawyer about this. I wouldn't be happy if my XH did this, especially a stranger driving my child, I wonder if they even had an appropriate car seat, you could certainly not send DC in that situation. But safety aside I'd be getting legal advice on this one.

The right to first refusal on childcare a PP mentioned is a condition that can be added to a parenting plan or child arrangements order either by agreement or through the court. It's not an automatic thing and is often worded mutually so he might have the same right.

If you haven't already done so I think you need to send this to him. It gives a clear explanation as to why you told him no. Having written evidence makes it harder for him to use this incident against you in any future nonsense he comes up with.

As others have said, no more swaps. Let him know that your child will be available EOW and one night during the week (if he picks up from nursery), and that handover will only be to him personally. And stick to it. Court will see that as you being reasonable, and if he chooses not to take up the time offered they are not going to be inclined to give him even more. And that’s if he can even be bothered to go to court, most of these men are all threats and bluster and no action.

This is a shit situation and he's being a complete power hungry arsehole. You really need to get a formalised plan in place with the courts, or your boundaries will never be met and there'll be no legal recourse for that.

He's said some stupid things via text so make sure you save those, like you'll regret it etc, make sure all communication with him is via text from hereon. A 2 hour journey in a car is quite a way for an under 2, not to mention their life and nursery is near you so 50/50, is highly highly unlikely anyway and the jdea of him just getting long weekends isn't the case, it's usually a fair split or more like he'll get EOW but court ordered if he tried to go for 50/50. Denying the child, being g chased my cms and this behaviour he's not exhibiting will all count against him, and I know its scary to go down the court route but if you want protection from him changing things up or trying to intimidate or control you, then it has to be court ordered. Especially as he's threatening to call the police (as if he would).
Please make sure everything is documented, even if its its verbal at the doorstep, get it written down after, it all adds up if you end up in court.

A friend of mines husband tried to theaten her with 50/50 after their acrimonious divorce, told the judge all sorts but when asked how he'd look after children on his 50% as he has a busy job, he said he'd get a nanny. Court ruled for mother to be primary carer and have the kids the most. He got EOW and ended up not even seeing them that often. If your ex is handing the toddler over to extended family during his visitation for the majority of the visit then that won't be ideal either.

I think that Grumpygrape's suggestion of a co- parenting app is really sound. Remember that you are the person with PR. You can do what is best for your child which is to have them available for contact with their father. If their father is unavailable for that contact, it is in your child's best interests to stay with you. Until contact is court ordered, you hold all the cards. Set up a EOW schedule (with your pre- contact holiday being scheduled in as already booked) and have your child available to their FATHER at these times. If he sends someone else, that's where a Ring doorbell is your friend. You can check who's turned up and you can refuse to hand over if it's not your child's father. You have the control. Show that you are being reasonable about contact and that you are doing everything in your child's best interests.

So I have sent him an explanation. I don't respond to all his messages (of which there are many!), and I always stick to being factual and calm even when inside I am raging.

In short I said that I have already swapped weekends to accommodate his schedule and he has had dc on "my" weekend several times because of this, that the arrangement for this weekend for his family members to collect dc on his behalf wasn't agreed to, and that the plan was that he is having dc on my weekend next weekend.

He can't do a day/overnight in the week because of his work schedule and also the distance. So the day-to-day care of dc is all on me.

My ex was like this. Everything his way, expectation of flexibility,never reciprocated. The only way to handle it is to stop doubting yourself - you are not standing in the way of your son having a relationship with his dad.

Stop the flexibility - it's not ideal but it means everyone knows where they stand.

Don't fear mediation and court. You are not in the wrong.

Open a Word document and write down everything that happens with a time and date. Keep all messages. Record handovers with your phone - just voice, have it in your pocket. This is your evidence for court.

It is hard to see the wood for the trees but it will get easier.

I also don't think a mid week journey 2 hours away to have an overnight would be in my dc best interest- they're only little.

We have a life here where we have always lived, routine, dc is well settled in nursery and loves it too. I'd hope for them to be able to go to a local school in future.

Contact www.rightsofwomen.org.uk

they have a free advice line staffed by practising solicitors and barristers. They are fantastic.

and also it might help to compile every bit of written communication about these contact arrangements, especially including those messages where he is heavy handed or threatening, and also the historic messages showing the way things have gone between you.

good luck. You are in the right here and protecting your child- that is the priority.

That's not what I said at all. Stop responding to my posts to attack me when you are misrepresentating what I have said.

Just to add, his response to this was that the "swaps" were just extra time for him to have contact and that his agreed time of this weekend should have still stood... among other things...

I've ignored.

Good. He will have to learn that he cannot just make things up as he goes along. Stay strong!

I feel for you OP, this is absolutely grim and it's hard not to wonder if your ex is partly doing it to wind you up. You're doing a great job hanging on in there and making sure DC see Dad without driving you completely up the wall. I hope you can agree something more satisfactory longer term.

I am going to be honest. I feel he is only looking for every weekend do cma is reduced the more “over nights “ the less money he can and or he’s abusive .

Any decent parent who knows your doing all the week care juggling everything would be reasonable and wouldn’t what you not to see your son so he was with a random or would understand the child need time to chill and be with mum .

I don’t think he is soemone who would take you to court. Does he have the fees to do so ?

Keep all texts, if they are Whatsapp'ed, download and keep them so he does not delete them.

Send him a letter by recorded delivery and keep a copy and download a copy of the post office POD.

In the letter, tell him you want to get things back on an equal footing for your child.

Explain that when you were pregnant, he told people the child was not his.

You both work fulltime, the child is in nursery during the week so you can work and you live some 2hrs apart. You remain where you have always lived.

Wanting the best for your child, it was reasonably agreed between you that he would see his child every other weekend.

He keeps wanting to change his weekends and on the whole you have been very accommodating (site various examples). However what he cannot do is contact you and demand the child on a weekend, that in effect means he has had the child three weekends in a row. It is not fair, its not what was agreed but most importantly it is unsettling for the child. Tell him you also have arrangements/commitments/activities planned for quality time together for you and your child on a weekend.

When he told you he wanted the child for the third weekend in a row, you firmly said no and he still had a family member turn up to collect the child and the confrontation is not acceptable for you or your child and as such, you ensured you were out. You were clear that the child was staying with you that weekend and if he still chose to send someone to collect the child, that was on him. Him threatening to call the Police because of his unreasonable demands is just aggravating the situation.

In essence, as a parent you want the best for your child, and you appreciate that on occasion there maybe special events where weekends need to be swopped by reasonable prior and MUTUAL arrangement but the share of time needs to be equitable and fair. Demanding the child for three weekends in a row is not fair or equitable.

In future, any amendments to the arrangements must be reasonably in advance and by mutual agreement but more than anything FAIR.

I want you to have a relationship with your child and this is why I have offered the arrangement. Whilst we don't have to get on, we do need to maintain a reasonable relationship when it comes to the well being of our child.

So I propose we re-set the relationship and start over. I re-iterate our previous agreement that you have our child every other weekend, I will only hand them over to you or a close family member and I am always willing to consider swopping weekends in expectational circumstances with reasonable prior notice and prior agreement.

Send this letter and then get yourself a zoom doorbell (do not point it out to them but don't hide it either) and record any exchanges on the doorstep and keep them, even if you don't think there is anything of note. You have already said that when you have been fine, he claimed you have been nasty, so learn the lesson.

Keep all text messages.

Then see how he reacts, this letter is very reasonable, yu are fair, yet stating the issues you are having. Good Luck

@Imbusytodaysorry I think the same.

He was absolutely raging that I went to CMS, how dare I go for his money when I knew I'd be doing this alone with dc, he didn't want to have a child, I knew what I was getting myself in for, I shouldn't have had the child if I couldn't support them myself etc etc.

Just don't be at home. Take DC out for the day. And cut contact until he can agree to a schedule. Let him take you to court.

The point of creation, was when the pair of you had sex.....he shouldn't have done it if he didn't want to face the potential outcome! Its not your responsibility alone to face, you are jointly responsible but it was your body - tell him to grow up!

That is not true at all! Your child was born hardwired to look for you. He knew your heartbeat, smell and voice. It does not matter if your son is in nursery, you are still his primary attachment figure. He understands nothing of biology if he suggests it is the same!
Also there is no such thing as both of you being the primary attachment figure - it cannot be equal. A baby needs their primary attachment figure - period.

If he felt that strongly about it he should have worn a condom!

I can see that it might be considered unreasonable to stick to a rigid EOW pattern if he works irregular shifts. But does he know in advance which days he'll be working? If so, you could agree on a schedule say every 6 months. If that worked out at 26 weekends then the total over that period needs to be 13 each.

With regard to DC being with other family members for full days when he's working, that sounds ridiculous to me, but you would need a solicitor to tell you the legal position. Do make sure you keep not just all messages but also notes of all contact dates, who picked up / returned DC etc.

@Miffylou is it unreasonable though?

I'm in a job that requires shifts however I've had to arrange for fixed days in a different role in the organisation as I can't do shifts as a lone parent... I absolutely hate my new role and dread every day but I have to do what I have to do to work around my responsibility for my child.

He does know when he's working, most of the time well in advance.

Such as stressful situation for you OP. I don't think you are being unreasonable at ll - you've accommodated a change in routine at his request and you can't be expected to change it yet again at short notice. He isn't even available to pick up your DC either.

I just wanted to say make a paper trail for everything. I would use email instead of text/whatsapp (and screenshot everything up to now) for communicating with him.

how long has he been seeing his child?