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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have unfriended this person?

306 replies

unfriender · 28/09/2024 11:20

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

OP posts:
SomeKindOfPermanentlyExhaustedPigeon · 28/09/2024 11:22

YABVU

She can carry on doing normal things, especially on (what I assume is a pre-booked) holiday AND be hurting and in grief.

You're extremely judgemental.

PuppyMonkey · 28/09/2024 11:23

Maybe she just wasn’t that close to her mum?

mynameiscalypso · 28/09/2024 11:23

You have no idea of the circumstances. Perhaps her mum had been very ill? Or had dementia? Perhaps her mum's death, while obviously sad, was a relief for the family as it meant she was no longer suffering? People are allowed to grieve in their own ways.

BuriedInTheBackYard · 28/09/2024 11:24

Harsh, judgemental behaviour. YABVVVU.

I feel sorry for your friend.

MindfulAndDemure · 28/09/2024 11:24

YABU.

This person's holiday and choices are nothing to do with you. Going on holiday after a parents death is not a moral failing. Many people want their loved ones to celebrate their life with a big party after they die, it may look crass to you, but it isn't about you.

I honestly can't understand how you think this is an appropriate response.

Alicana · 28/09/2024 11:24

Not unreasonable at all. Sounds like your friend is much better off now, having one less judgemental ‘friend’ sneering at her life.

OtterOnAPlane · 28/09/2024 11:24

She'd probably had the holiday booked for ages. Her being in the country wouldn't have changed anything.

Your sister is right.

SomeKindOfPermanentlyExhaustedPigeon · 28/09/2024 11:25

The key is, everyone deals with grief in different ways. You deal with it one way, she another. Neither is right or wrong.

Defriending someone because they posted a photo you know NOTHING about in terms of the situation, their feelings etc is extreme - I'd look closer at yourself as to why you felt the need to do this.

Ratisshortforratthew · 28/09/2024 11:25

YABVU. I wouldn’t cancel a holiday if my parent died and I know they wouldn’t want me to either. You’ve no idea of the details - maybe she’s devastated but trying to carry on as normal. Maybe she thinks her mother was an insufferable old hag and is celebrating her demise. Either way, not your business!

Anotheranonymousnameismine · 28/09/2024 11:25

Everyone grieves differently. I had a major bereavement and a period of a few weeks after when I was in ‘denial’ emotionally. I was in a strange place though - detached and kept laughing all the time and then fell into deep, more obvious depressive grief for a very very long time - and obv the cycle of grief never really closes.
I remember someone looking at me oddly in those weeks but it was what it was!
I’m sorry for your loss of your mother though op.

Thelnebriati · 28/09/2024 11:25

Ask yourself what you mean by 'too much' and 'too soon'. You have an ingrained sense of propriety which will include suitable activities and the length of time acceptable.
Its ok for you to have those values for yourself, but ask yourself why you expect others to have exactly the same rules.

boulevardofbrokendreamss · 28/09/2024 11:25

You are being ridiculous.

DreamW3aver · 28/09/2024 11:26

No need to ask the internet if you can unfriend her, if you don't want to see her posts crack on, how she behaves isn't anything to do with you

Calamitousness · 28/09/2024 11:26

In the kindest way possible, YABVU. Good for her trying to keep going for her family and giving the kids normality. You’ve no idea how she’s feeling. You’ve no idea if her mum had any issues which meant her family have been grieving a long time already before she passed. Last thing she needs is to deal with any drama from others about how she should be behaving during this time so please just leave her well alone and chalk this up to you being a poor ‘friend’

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 28/09/2024 11:26

Very unreasonable. How she grieves is her own business and if the holiday was already booked why shouldn’t she make the best of it. You saw a moment of happiness in that photo, you didn’t see how sad she may have been at other times or the rest of the day where she was trying to keep it together for her DC so that they could enjoy their holiday. I imagine they raised a glass to her mum at some point too. Wind your neck in!

TheShellBeach · 28/09/2024 11:26

You sound nice.

yes5 · 28/09/2024 11:27

You realise not everyone is close to their mum don't you. Even if they were close everyone deal with grief differently, for some people it's booking a holiday and finding reasons to smile.

I think this is an absolutely ridiculous reason to unfriend someone.

TenderChicken · 28/09/2024 11:27

Massive overreaction.

Notamum12345577 · 28/09/2024 11:27

unfriender · 28/09/2024 11:20

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

I lost my mum at a youngish age (she wasn’t yet 60) and we still went on a pre booked night away a handful of days later. I did talk to my dad about it before we went though..

TheShellBeach · 28/09/2024 11:28

It's honestly none of your business if and when she goes on holiday, OP.

Maybe it had been booked for a while. Maybe they all just felt they needed to get away.

Whatever the reason, it was their choice. Not your place to pass judgement.

Userengage · 28/09/2024 11:29

I think you’ve done her a favour by unfriending her, she doesn’t need friends like you with your grief yardstick.

Stompythedinosaur · 28/09/2024 11:30

I can't bear the pressure to do performative grief.

She probably didn't want her dc to miss out and knew her dm would you don't have wanted that either.

It's precisely none of your business. She isn't hurting anyone. There isn't a "correct" way to grieve.

Thfrog · 28/09/2024 11:30

Do what you want with social media. I'd suggest if you can "unfriend" her so easily you weren't ever an actual friend.

Magnastorm · 28/09/2024 11:30

You can unfriend people on SM for whatever reason you like.

But doing so because of what you describe is a bit of a dick move. You don't get to police how other people process things.

OrigamiOwls · 28/09/2024 11:31

You've overreacted there. People don't have to fit into your model of the way things should be.

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