To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

When I lost a parent I still did my best to do normal things which included going on a prebooked holiday. What I didn’t post to the world was me sitting on the balcony crying every evening.

You can grieve while still living. Especially if you have a family, you can’t always just stop.

Wow, OP.

You are being incredibly judgmental here. You literally suggested she isn't a good person for going on holiday after a family death and daring to smile?!

For all you know, that could have been exactly what her Mum requested - that the family don't sit around crying but go away together and celebrate the life of a loved one. It's more common than you think.

People do not have to look at things the way you do, OP.

The kindest interpretation that I can give to your reaction, is that you are struggling with unresolved grief over your own mum and that this therefore triggered you.

But YABU. Maybe her mother's last wish had been that she should continue as usual and not cancel her holiday; I'm assuming it was pre-booked. Maybe she and/or her children desperately need to spend a little time away from the funereal atmosphere (which for some can enhance grief rather than being a support) and start getting back to some sort of normality. Maybe her mum had been already essentially lost to dementia for some time, and your friend has already done her grieving. Maybe she chooses not to use social media to express grief, and only posts the, possibly quite few, happier occasions.

If you had been still close, I would have said that it was quite cruel of you to dump her just because she doesn't show grief in the same way as you do. Since you weren't much in touch with her anyway, I doubt that it will have much if any impact on her, especially at a time when she and her family doubtless have more important concerns. So, if her posts cause you distress, it may indeed be best to unfriend her; but don't rush to judgement,

Your sister is correct. Grief carries you wherever you are, she hasn't forgotten the pain she's feeling just because she's in another country. What will likely make her feel worse is so called friends disappearing without explanation leaving her with more hurt.

This is a reverse.

YABU and cruel

This. If I told my DM (78) and DF (83) that I would cancel a pre booked and pre paid holiday, potentially losing £1000s, if either of them died around that time, they'd tell me not to be so bloody stupid and go ahead and enjoy ourselves. Not going wouldn't bring them back. YABVU to judge your friend this way.

I'm probably the only person who has cancelled a holiday because my mum died. I spent 6 weeks at my dying mother's bedside last year and cancelled a holiday that fell between her death and the funeral.

It was the second holiday in 12 months that I'd cancelled because, the year before, my daughter was having a very difficult twin pregnancy.

But OP - live and let live.

Just because you wouldn't have chosen to go on holiday, doesn't mean she is bound by the same choices.

Her life, her grieving by process, her choices!

You sound batshit. And a bit Victorian.

No one could think this is reasonable. Fwiw my mum died after telling us we should still go away - she'd been ill for a long time and she died when we were abroad.

I still took photos of our holiday as the two are completely separate events.

You sound like you're making this all about you which is very odd.

Calling yourself her friend feels like it's ready stretching the term as thin as it'll go. Were you really expect people to support you for dumping your 'friend' for not grieving the death of her mum the way you think she should?
She's far better off with you in her life.

Unbelievably unreasonable. Very judgemental of you.

her life cannot stop because her mother died and of course she should experience joy with her family. I’m sure she is deeply grieving privately- as you have experienced yourself. No one wants their loved ones to put their life on hold with grief after they’ve gone.

give your head a wobble

My grandfather died (in another country), after a long illness, 12 days before my wedding. Should we have cancelled everything for performative grieving? It would be different if it were an unexpected death of someone young.

Everyone has different coping mechanisms. MYOFB

I went on holiday after my mum died. We actually moved it from Wales to Durham area as it was closer to home. The funeral ended up being in the middle of the holiday. We came back for it then went back on holiday. I was so traumatised by the speed and nature of her death I needed my holiday. Posted a few photos when I got home. Doesn't mean I wasn't grieving terribly.

We found out my DH’s beloved Nana died and then immediately went out with our DDs to the cinema and bowling. We had already booked it and the children were looking forward to it. We were both upset but actually it was nice to be able to focus on our children and their enjoyment for a while before having to deal with our grief.

YABU and she is better off without you on her friend list. How people deal with their grief is none of your business.

Honestly, you re being so judgemental! She is having a good time, so what? That doesn't mean she willl not have bad times, wish her mum was still here and cry, but for now she is being taken out of her grief which is surely good. Life does go on, it has to, and remember, her mother was elderly and may well have had an extremely good life.

[Most] people don't post pics of them sobbing and grieving on social media. They post happy smiling pics because that's what everyone wants to see. Everyone deals with bereavement differently and some would rather grieve in private rather than do a whole public performance. It's not a competitive sport.

I went on a pre-booked holiday a few days after losing my mum and before the funeral. I bawled my eyes out when I got on the plane then I pulled myself together and made the most of it because that's what she would have wanted. It took about two years before I could talk about her without crying. I certainly grieved. I didn't have social media at the time but if I had, I would have posted typical holiday pics, not ones of me crying in the bathroom in the wee small hours.

i imagine the holiday was planned in advance, her mother would not have wanted her to cancel i bet

Your story sounds similar to mine. 3 months of a horrible downward decline. It's exhausting and a holiday was much needed. She'd been at my wedding 14 weeks before she died. She was 86 but very fit beforehand. It's two years ago for me and still raw. I hope you're doing ok.

You're being HUGELY unreasonable. My mum died last year and my brother had previously booked a holiday which was the week after, before the funeral. I wasn't bothered in the slightest about him going and my mum would have wanted him to go relax after all we'd been through. I'd organised the funeral the day after she died and we met the man who was doing the funeral before he left.

As an aside I went away the month after as caring for her the three months from diagnosis till she died had literally exhausted me and I needed a change of scenery, to relax and have some fun. I think you're being horribly judgemental.

Absolutely do not do this! Leave this poor woman alone!

I'm in my 70s, very fit and healthy at the moment but when my time comes I very much hope that my DC, to whom I am very close, will make the most of any chance of happiness they get.

You can’t judge other people …..my friends mum died in summer …..4 days later she came to a music festival with me and other friends ( pre booked) …..she reallly enjoyed it …..lots of happy photos taken…..it took her mind off what had happened …..didn’t mean she missed her mum any less……she was a great DD to her Mum ….spent 20 years as her carer