To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

YABVU, you don't get to dictate how others choose to grieve.

Personally I am fairly pragmatic about death and sitting around feeling sad at home on my own makes everything worse for me. I need to be out and about doing something when I'm going through a difficult time.

Wow the voting currently at 100% consensus...you don't see that every day on MN!

Agree with everyone else that you sound horribly judgemental. As others have said, you don't know what her relationship with her mother was like, but even if it was a really good, loving relationship then any decent mum would have WANTED her daughter, partner, and grandchildren to go on holiday and try and enjoy themselves as much as possible in the circumstances. You'd have to be a pretty horrible person to WANT your closest family to spend the next few weeks sitting in the dark, ripping their clothes and wailing, rather than getting on with the life that was her biggest gift to them.

If the mum also loved going away, spending time with her family and/or having a cheeky drink then doing the same and thinking of her/raising a toast while doing so is a much better tribute and recognition of a life well lived than sitting at home crying watching daytime TV and waiting for the funeral.

I can’t say what I want too because it’ll probably be reported as a personal attack…

You haven't a clue what was going on. You e made some huge judgements.

My dad died on a Weds. I'd spent the week in the hospital with him on a camp bed. I'd got the funeral/wake etc sorted by Thurs.evening.

Death admin was sorted out to the point it could be.

We had a holiday booked. I was going to cancel but other family member were "go, there's nothing left to do here" my dad loved his hols and would have hated canceling one.

We went. It was hard but we have happy photos because it made us realise time is short (dad was in his 50's). I didn't love him any less than my siblings because I went holiday.

I know some people raised their eyebrows and made judgements. But I know what was going on. They weren't living our lives.

You are being very judgemental. You don't know what her relationship with her mother was like. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

You are projecting your reactions to your own mother's death onto her. Not everyone feels the same as you or grieves in the same way as you.

YABVU.

My mum nursed my nan through the end of her life. She was the only hospital visitor allowed (because of Covid restrictions), and had essentially spent six months going between my dad and my nan in hospital. The staff knew her well and in the end would let her in to see my dad early so she could catch up on sleep and then go and see my nan.

When my nan died the first thing she did was book a holiday. She was so exhausted and she needed mental and physical space away from the places she had spent the worst time of her life. She posted pictures on social media because she wanted to.

You can be grieving and still having fun. My nan's death devastated me. But I still went and saw my friends, it took me two years to even be able to talk about her but in those two years I had some of the best times of my life. I'm still grieving her, but I also recognise that you cannot allow grief to paralyse you.

The holiday was likely pre booked. What could she have done if she’d stayed at home? A friend of mine’s mum died recently, she had been unwell for a long time. Her dad had literally just got on a plane for a pre planned holiday, he didn’t come home, what could he have done if he had?

That's awful of you. My dad died after an intense period of about 6 months and we did have a holiday booked which we went on..I checked with my mum and she had her sister staying with her and encouraged us to go. Life has to go on especially when you have children. You can grieve for someone in any country.

Of course you overreacted. Its none of your business how others deal with their grief and I say that as someone who no longer has either of my parents so its not as if I am a stranger to losing a parent.

I am a very private person and I dont feel comfortable with public shows of grief or spilling my inner most thoughts on social media. I do however, feel comfortable posting family photos of lighter occasions online. It has absolutely zero to do with how I process grief- just because I am not posting photos of me viscerally sobbing online over a coffin does not mean I wasnt utterly heartbroken about the loss of either of my parents. In fact, I was so cut up about it, I had to have therapy but only a few people in my inner circle know that.

Frankly, I am disgusted by your judgemental attitude. It stinks.

I'm glad you unfriended her as she certainly doesn't need people like you in her life. My Mum died 3 days before we were due to go on a family holiday. We still went. It was the best thing that could have happened. We talked about her all the time, remembered things she did that made us laugh and drank Pina Coladas in her memory. None of us can really remember details of the holiday now but we do remember being altogether and sharing memories of my beloved Mum.

How inappropriate to project your own feelings upon another.

Everyone has different relationships with their mothers.

Everyone grieves in different ways. Maybe through the death of her mother she realised life is for living and decided to spend quality time with her family. Maybe she spent the hour before that drink reminiscing on happy times with her mum and was drinking her favourite drink in celebration of her life. How would you know and who are you to judge?! Would you rather she sat alone in a dark room, not drinking or eating anything and wasting away? What would be a suitable time she should do that do you think? A month? A year? Two?

You admit to being a nosey parker at the end. Try being a real friend, it’s nicer. If I were her I’d be glad you removed yourself from my friends list given you clearly aren’t a friend.

Everyone grieves differently and just because it's different to you, you have a problem with it. When my bf died I was in a weird faze of denial for months went through the funeral the inquest and dealing with the police like a robot then it all of a sudden hit me but for the most part it was done in private. I wasn't posting videos on social media of me crying and writing post after post of how heartbroken I was as I didn't need attention or fake sympathy from people online. However what people didn't see was the therapy sessions, gp visits, crying my self to sleep, the suicide attempts, the self harm, the alcohol. On the surface I looked like I was coping really well because that's what most people do around others and on social media it's big smiles and showtime.

She’s not you and her reactions may be different to yours. You’re very judgmental. Whilst I won’t be cheering when my mum dies, I won’t really care, she was a neglectful uncaring parent in many ways. Maybe she feels similarly?

After my dad died, my mum still went on her planned holiday with the entire family, otherwise she would have been home alone with me and my db living hours away. Should she have donned black sat and rocked in a corner?

You are being judgemental end of

YABVU

And so judgemental!

Why do you think people should react the way you have?

Just after my mother died, I went to a house party at a good friend's house.

I got really drunk. I danced and I'm sure at many points I smiled and laughed. I also remember sitting around a table with close friends talking and crying.

Grief was a journey, ride, a sometimes surprising experience and one I'm still on several years later. I'm a huge advocate for it being healthy to fully feel one's feelings.

The aspect of grief that most surprised me was that for months I became extremely impulsive and found myself doing things out of character. I don't think there can necessarily be a "correct" way to behave after deep loss. It's not as if a year later the loss is no longer and everything is back to normal. It never goes away, you just learn to live alongside it.

WTF is wrong with you? You unfriended someone who is currently grieving because you didnt approve of a photo they posted of their family online?

I am glad you did that actually- this person is better off without you in their life. You are a nasty piece of work.

My youngest died as a baby. After grieving for a couple of months I went manic. Literally it was like life was wonderful. I lost weight, made plans, spent far too much, seemed happy to everyone who met me. It must have looked as if I'd got over it really well...I didn't. I still have that grief now. The pain was so unbearable, that I think my brain couldn't cope, so (I do have bipolar), my mind decided that everything was great. 13 years later and the pain is still in my stomach and overwhelms me if it catches me off guard.

I lost my baby brother suddenly a few years ago. I wasn't prepared for it, so it knocked me sideways. We had a holiday just after the funeral. There are photos of me smiling, though I was dying inside. I don't want DD to look back on holiday photos of me looking morose and her smiling. I carried him with me, going on holiday did not make the distance between my grief any less that at home.

My dad was different. He'd had cancer for a few years, I'd dreaded him dying and had since I was young. I still haven't grieved for him. I've been abroad a several times in the three years since he died. I still shut my mind off so I won't feel the loss, I've managed to avoid the grief by not allowing my mind to wander there. It doesn't mean I don't care or am over it, in fact I haven't allowed myself to go there as it scares me.

You really can't judge people on how you reacted. Other people are not you

In all likelihood I be celebrating when my (diagnosed) narcissist of a mother dies. Just because you were devastated at your loss doesn’t mean others will be.

Who are you to judge? There can be moments of joy within grief - all the better for them.

Wow so judgemental.

i went abroad three days after my mums passing. The holiday was planned, her passing away three days before wasn’t. I had the decision to stay home or try and go and give my children a nice holiday. For me personally, being abroad ended up being an escape from the hell and reality at home and was probably the best thing I could have done. I posted pictures on that holiday because I wanted the memories of the holiday with my children. I probably had people judge me too.

Everyone grieves differently.

I'm very much of the 'death is part of life' and 'life goes on' school of thought.

Both of my parents have died. My dad died suddenly and relatively young at 56 and that really distressed me but 3 weeks later I was out for St Patrick's night. My parents were Irish and while I was out the band played Black Velvet Band a traditional Irish song that my dad would sing (when he'd had a couple of pints!). That choked me but also made me feel close to him.

My mum died after a long battle with cancer and while I was sad and still miss her 15 years on it was absolutely a relief for her and for us. Watching your beloved Mum die is horrible.

I think you're being harsh on your friend.

Exactly this.
Sorry OP, but you sound very young or very immature and your sister's "each to their own" attitude is spot on. There is NO "correct" way to behave in grief. Everyone is different. Hopefully the results of this thread will teach you this and you will become more tolerant of attitudes and behaviours which don't align with your world-view.

Oooh look another little goady bitch plop and run OP
Lot of them around here recently

This is terrible advice. Whatever your views on the holiday, this woman is dealing with the death of a parent. Even if she couldn’t stand her mother, it will still have brought back any bad memories. OP is someone she hasn’t seen in years who has already decided to make her “friend’s” mother’s death about her. The last thing she needs is a whiny “Me, me, me” apology. She probably hasn’t even noticed the deletion yet - and it will be a very, very long way down her priority list at the moment.