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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have unfriended this person?

306 replies

unfriender · 28/09/2024 11:20

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

OP posts:
Scentsless · 28/09/2024 12:53

If I were terminally ill and knew that I would only have a few days to live and I was aware that my child had booked a holiday for a couple of weeks later, I would absolutely tell my child to make sure they go on holiday and raise a glass in my memory, so that they could try and relax after the strain leading up to my departure.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 28/09/2024 12:56

I went on holiday abroad very soon after my dog suddenly died of lymphoma.It had been booked for over a year.
I cried a lot on holiday but I only posted happy family pics.
Don't judge her.

dinosaurgirll · 28/09/2024 12:58

Omg, this is so unreasonable! Everyone copes with grief differently, that is not a reason to unfriend someone 😳

MagentaRocks · 28/09/2024 12:58

Scentsless · 28/09/2024 12:53

If I were terminally ill and knew that I would only have a few days to live and I was aware that my child had booked a holiday for a couple of weeks later, I would absolutely tell my child to make sure they go on holiday and raise a glass in my memory, so that they could try and relax after the strain leading up to my departure.

My Mum and Dad would be the same.

When my Nan died it was just before Christmas. We were all upset but there were young kids in the family. We carried on doing Christmas as normal so the kids had a good time and had a good time ourselves. It didn’t mean we weren’t grieving for my Nan.

itsgoodtobehome · 28/09/2024 12:59

YABVU. My way of dealing with difficult things and grief is to get myself away from the situation. This definitely means a change of scene, and if that involves going somewhere nice with good weather, then even better. It doesn't stop the feelings, but it gives you some space and distance from normal life to get your head around them. I cannot believe you judged this woman for doing that.

IamnotSethRogan · 28/09/2024 12:59

I mean she had probably already booked the holiday. The family is going through a bit of a shit time and she has kids to think of who had probably been looking forward to it.

Not everyone grieves how you do. I do think your reaction is strange.

GiddyRobin · 28/09/2024 13:01

What did you want her to do, post crying pics of herself and maudlin quotes?

The holiday may have been pre-booked. Why should she cancel and lose money/disappoint her family?

Maybe the holiday was to help her get some space.

Whatever it was, it was absolutely none of your business. Life goes on, and everyone handles grief differently. She might well be sobbing herself to sleep; her mother is dead, why does she have to be sat at home grieving? Her mother isn't there. It's not like she swanned off while her mother was lying on her death bed. I remember when my dad died, I couldn't wait to get out of the room and away from the body. That wasn't my dad anymore. If I could have gone on holiday, I bloody would have done, too!

Ridiculous.

Gigihadid · 28/09/2024 13:02

You’re judgemental and think you’re a better person than her so you’ve done her a favour really.
A holiday would have been welcome after my dad died, rather than weeks at home with nothing but reminders and the dread of the upcoming funeral permanently on my mind.

lap90 · 28/09/2024 13:02

I think you are being ridiculously unreasonable.

supersonicginandtonic · 28/09/2024 13:04

In my family we celebrate the life the perosn had. Also believe that the show must go on. I know my parents wouldn't want me to miss out due to their passing.

godmum56 · 28/09/2024 13:04

Your feelings, your choice but its not a choice I would have made.

LoveInAWildTime · 28/09/2024 13:05

Why am I not surprised the OP posted the OP then didn't return. Boring......

Rachie1973 · 28/09/2024 13:07

unfriender · 28/09/2024 11:20

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

Are there grieving rules we have to follow now? I missed the memo.

My best friend lost her DH suddenly at 31. It was devastating for her. We coped by screaming with laughter about the most inappropriate jokes we could think of regarding death and coffins. It was what SHE needed at the time. No one has the right to dictate another persons grief.

ReggaetonLente · 28/09/2024 13:08

I went on a family holiday in between my much loved dad dying and his funeral. I desperately needed it after caring for him round the clock for 2 months at his home, away from my own husband and kids. I truly do not care who judged me.

Cosyblankets · 28/09/2024 13:08

How other people choose to grieve their loss is none of your business!
She's better off not being your friend. And given that you only seem to interact on social media what difference does it make?
When did you last have coffee with her etc?
Did you ever meet her mum?
Did you know anything about her?
Mind your own business.

youve987456 · 28/09/2024 13:08

This is judgemental and unreasonable, but sounds like it is clearly related to your own grief that hasn't been dealt with. If you are still struggling a few years after your mum died I'd recommend you get some therapy.

TennisToday · 28/09/2024 13:08

I think your’friend’ is better without your judgmental attitude

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/09/2024 13:08

With the greatest respect You don’t get to decide how someone handles the death of anyone and certainly not their own mother.
I can’t help thinking you must have had a problem with her to begin with and you’re using her reaction or perhaps her way of coping with losing her mum, that’s a pretty low blow to be honest.

Surprisedcupcake · 28/09/2024 13:10

This is one of the most self absorbed posts I've read in a while

LondonJax · 28/09/2024 13:10

Another YBVU OP.

My dad died two weeks before my birthday 30 years ago. I still went for my birthday meal with my (then) DH, my mum still made a huge fuss as did my sisters and friends, I still had a lovely, if a bit subdued, time. It was my birthday - life didn't suddenly stop, work carried on, I still had a house to run. Not enjoying myself wouldn't have brought my dad back and it was a relief to have some release that didn't involve crying to be honest.

When mum died a few years ago we'd dealt with her and dementia for six years. I didn't cry so much then as I did for my dad - I'd done six years of it and was worn out. So, had I had a holiday booked, I'd have gone on it gladly. And enjoyed it as a chance to recharge. I couldn't believe how tired I was until it hit me a few days after mum's death.

As for the sorting every thing out? It took me and my sisters a couple of days to organise the funeral, one of us did the contacting of family, one organised flowers, one of us collected the death certificate (didn't need all of us trooping over to the hospital and registrar's), a day to sort out insurance/finances etc. Apart from clearing her room in the residential home she finally lived in, there wasn't much to organise. The sorting stuff out doesn't all have to be done immediately.

Please, if you do decide to 're-friend' her, do NOT do as someone suggested. Do NOT explain that you were upset etc., Pretend you'd hit the wrong person's button to unfriend and have only just realised. She doesn't need to hear your woes about her post. It's her life, she can lead it as she wants and doesn't have to conform to your ideals. If you can't accept that, then maybe leave her as unfriended.

MSLRT · 28/09/2024 13:12

Total overreaction. You have no idea what is going on in her head. Very judgemental.

Juliet194 · 28/09/2024 13:13

I went on a last minute holiday last year after a bereavement. I didn't want to go, but my partner booked it as a surprise, and actually it was just what I needed. A break and a change of scenery. I still cried at least once a day, but at least the weather and scenery was nice. I know a couple of my friends judged me about going on holiday. We are no longer friends. Grief has actually been a great filter for getting all of the toxic people out of my life.

Have you had any grief counselling? It might help you to see things from a different perspective. Hopefully a less toxic one that sees that grief is different for everyone and there is no "wrong" or "right" way to grieve.

PinotPony · 28/09/2024 13:13

YABVU.

When my mum died last December, I grieved for her but mostly I was happy for the life she’d had. She was 83 and died in her sleep having had a life surrounded by people who loved her. Her funeral was joyous and celebratory… tears but also laughter at some of the fun times we’d all enjoyed together.

You have no idea how your “friend” truly feels. It’s incredibly immature not to understand that photos on social media mean nothing.

Ella31 · 28/09/2024 13:14

You are being so unfair. My twin sons died at birth last November. We were so afraid of the grief and Christmas that we went to Spain for Christmas weekend to escape. Dh posted a pic of us on Christmas day online putting on a brave face. People were genuinely happy to see us doing ok. Am i a bad person and a bad mother to you?

Getting away saved us. I think I'd have died in our home on Christmas day. I find your comments so offensive. I loved my sons and still do but we had to save ourselves too and if posting a picture brought some comfort and normality. So what.

Tellysavelas · 28/09/2024 13:15

OP, how have you managed to make her mum’s death about you?!

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