To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

YABVU

When we lost my DGM we went on our pre-booked holiday with my DM, who was devastated by losing her beloved mother but my DGM would have gone mad if we’d cancelled to sit at home grieving.

The ability to do other things does not mean people haven’t been bowled over by grief.

Yep YABVU. My mum, her sisters and a big group of friends had a boozy weekend away the week my grandmother died. It had been booked for a birthday for ages and my grandmother had begged them not to miss it. She loved a party and her holidays, it was bittersweet but right somehow

Are you 15? Christ, I imagine she won’t even notice.

Is this a reverse by any chance?

If genuine then you are being very u reasonable, it's her life and you have no right to judge her choice.

I don’t usually give negative feedback on MN. But OP you have made this post all about you and your feelings of loss about your mum and what you went through when she died. This is not about your friend.

You're not being unreasonable to unfriend her because she doesn't need shit, judgemental friends like you.

What's it to you if she's having some fun? Life doesn't stop because someone died. Good on her for doing something that makes her happy in a shit time.

YABVVVVU, is this actually real?! Surely no one could be so immature

YABU. How do you know the holiday wasnt booked in advance? Perhaps her mum had been unwell and you say she was elderly - while death is always sad it can be easier to function when it has been less of a shock.

Maybe she has also been involved in her care, as some1 who has cared for an elderly parent for 2 years if i heard an unpaid carer was going on holiday all I'd have to say is enjoy you deserve a break. Instead you unfriended her as she didn't react how you think she should. There's no right or wrong way to grieve we are all individuals.

I did most of my grieving for my mum before she died - during the long years of dementia when she became a stranger ; occasionally a violent, aggressive stranger

when she died it was the end of an exhausting, gruelling, shattering process. The silver lining was that, with the ‘stranger’ gone, my own dear mum came back into focus in my memories and I did grieve again. But it was nowhere near as sharp or intense as if she had died suddenly in full health before the dementia destroyed her. Not least because I was relieved for her - her ‘life’ was unspeakable in what was basically an asylum

and I certainly would have appreciated a holiday

You are being very silly. For all you know, her mum told her not to cancel the holiday and to go ahead and have fun, and to remember her with affection. Just because you handled your grief differently, doesn't mean this friend isn't also grieving. You are being judgmental and if you don't realise that, then I feel very sorry for you.

I went on holiday two weeks after my DM died. It had been booked ages beforehand; originally I said I wouldn’t go, but my DF and siblings were adamant I should. I can’t say it was the best holiday ever, and it felt incredibly surreal, being away yet grieving, and I was very subdued — but I’m pretty sure there will have been pictures taken showing me smiling and looking as though I was having a whale of a time. As others have said, everyone is allowed to grieve in their own time and way. The fact it’s raised issues for you suggests your grief is still quite raw, but the fact you unfriended your ‘friend’ says as much, if not more, about you than her, I think.

Sorry.
There must be more to this. There must be a massive backstory because on the face of it your post is ridiculous.

That ^^

I wasn't close to my mum and the grief came at 3 points
1 when I accepted she would never be the mother I wanted/needed
2 with her Alzheimer's diagnosis
3 when she actually died

Afterwards was more a relief

Who the hell are you to tell this woman, or anyone, how they should behave after loosing a loved one. You sound like a massive judgemental arse! My mum died of cancer, very recently, after being diagnosed 3 months before. It was very fast and very horrible, I moved in to care for her in those 3 months. I'm allowed to laugh. I'm allowed to carry on living! I'm allowed to go out and enjoy myself and everything good I have left in my life, and so is your 'friend'. Hey I even went on holiday too and I had a bloody good time spending some of the money my mum left me! Is that ok with you ? Mixed in with that I have moments every week where I break down in public. We're all allowed to grieve however the hell suits us all as individuals! You did her a massive massive favour to be honest. No one needs shitty people in their lives.

When both my grandma's died. My parents wanted to be as busy as possible. My mum especially would want to get out of the house as early as possible and keep her mind occupied all day . It was the best way for them to cope. Stopping and focusing on it made them both to upset.
I think we all need to let people cope in their own ways .
Also for all you know her mum may have made her promise to go on her holiday or continue as normal as possible. If it wasn't sudden

Bless you, OP. Your reaction was unkind but if you are open to hearing that criticism, that's a good sign. Maybe you can apologise and explain to your friend that you were struggling with your own grief about losing your mum, and hope she'll understand. If she no longer wants to maintain a friendship with you because of your unkind behaviour, then that's a lesson for you to learn. I'm sorry you're putting yourself through this, OP.

Crikey OP judgey much?! You sound awful. Yes newsflash everyone grieves the loss of their mother differently.
You got all that judgmental crap in your brain from one SM post says more about your lack of empathy and understanding of others than about her. False sense of how proper you are.

How could you possible know if she was crying her eyes out before said picture was taken and she took it whilst plastering on a smile or using alcohol as a crux to cope etc. There's a million reasons for all of her 'behaviour'- masking her grief etc. Holiday could've been pre booked and better to go and process things than sit here and wallow and not be able to do anything for weeks.

Wow 😮 I’m shocked you are so judgey! You have NO IDEA of her relationship with her Mum - even if you think you do - and going away might be her way of dealing with grief.

My Mum died in 2019, we had a really complex relationship, she was abusive to me when I was little and had schizophrenia but she hid all of that very well - no one had a clue and everyone thought the sun shone out of her arse. People judged me very harshly for decisions I made around her death and funeral. And afterwards I took us all off on a holiday of a lifetime - which we all needed after the horrendous time we’d had leading up to her death.

People like you are no friend to anyone in those circumstances.

When I lost my dad, we spent a lot of time together before he passed away.
He loved going on holiday - it was his favourite topic of conversation with anyone involved in his care.
As it was me doing most of the caring he did often tell
me to go away for a few days when he had left. He could remember the ‘bit’ between my mum dying and her funeral and it still upset him. And in those days there wasn’t so long of a wait.
I was ill when he died so I wasn’t going anywhere, but had the wait been 4 weeks or so as it can be now, I think a break would have really helped me.
Yes, it might seem a bit insensitive but you have no idea what she felt like before or after the photo was taken. Maybe she was living in the moment, maybe she was crying buckets.
One thing I do remember that it’s the bit after the funeral which is really low. Everyone moves on pretty quickly.
That is when your friend needs friends.
I have been around people who have given Oscar winning grief performances when someone has died, and not been around when needed.
I have known solo carers with health conditions who have become so ill from caring the funeral was too much and they went home. Lots of judgement.
As I get older I realise how we grieve is very personal.
I can remember finally going on holiday months after my dad died. Put a little pic on Facebook and an old friend said…
I don’t know how you can do that so soon after losing your dad, after all you said he means to you.
I am no longer on Facebook. And we are no longer friends!

OP, depending on the circumstances in which your mother died, it could be regarded as quite unusual for you, years later, to still describe yourself as devastated by her death. That the sight of your friend enjoying herself triggered such an OTT response from you would indicate to me that you could do with some help.

Obviously if your mother died young and traumatically that is one thing, but if she lived to a ripe old age and died of natural causes your description of being still devastated could indicate that you have a problem. It's not unusual and most people find some counselling or psychotherapy can help them work their way through their grief to a more balanced place.

Yabvu. I went on my honeymoon a month after my mum died and had a wonderful time whilst still grieving. I was early 30s and loved her so very much. I hadn't booked it before she died (as she was terminal, so held off). Life carries on for those left behind.

She probably wouldn't have got the money back so would have been a waste and maybe meant no holiday this year. She can video call her siblings to help a bit with funeral arrangements.

Your sister is right, each to their own. There's no right way to behave after a death.

YABU.

Wow, talk about judgemental! What gives you the right to determine how she chooses to grieve? What business is it of yours?

I’m very sorry for the loss of your mum, but the way you chose to grieve that loss isn’t some gold standard that everyone else should follow. People grieve in their own ways, and the expectation shouldn’t be that your whole life stops because other people deem it should. With something like a holiday, for many people it is pre-booked, and not going would cause them to be down thousands. Some people may choose to still go and try and make the best of it, quite often under the mentality of their relative wouldn’t have wanted them to lose out on their holiday. Other people simply won’t feel up to it and will cancel, money be damned. But there is no right or wrong, and you deeming your friend to have made the ‘wrong’ choice is VVU.

In my own family, I’m fortunate enough not to have lost either parent, but I have lost grandparents, one only 2 months ago. When I lost my grandma, (dad’s mum) my parents went on a short UK break in between the death and the funeral. They had been meant to be going abroad in the weeks leading up to her death, but she was becoming increasingly more and more unwell so they cancelled. After she passed, they both really felt they needed a few days away to process, so they went, and came back feeling more prepared to deal with the funeral arrangements and all the admin involved.

My grandad passed away 2 months ago (mum’s dad). My uncle (mum’s brother) was booked to go abroad the day after his death. He still went. A conversation was had within the family where everyone said he should just go, as long as he felt comfortable to do so, that it was all already booked, way too late to cancel and get money back, and my mum and gran would be fine to deal with the arrangements until he got back. I don’t think he would have went without everyone’s blessing, but there’s no way my grandad would have wanted him to miss out on his holiday. He was away a week, came back, and was straight into helping my mum and gran. I can’t imagine it was the nicest holiday he’s ever been on, but it was his choice to go, and it didn’t mean he wasn’t still in deep grief over his dad. My parents then went away the week after the funeral.

I suppose in your mind my whole family are horrible people who haven’t appropriately grieved the passing of our loved ones…

you have no right to judge whether someone else is grieving correctly

Not everyone is mega devastated when a parent dies. Maybe she didn't like her mum. Maybe her mum was a crap parent. Maybe she thought "I've paid for the holiday - might as well go". There's a lot of dead time - pardon the pun - between a death and a funeral. When my cousin died in tragic circumstances earlier this year, his parents who were completely devastated went away for a break before the funeral.

Maybe she's...gasp... different to you.

You are judgemental and unimaginative.

I don't suppose she will notice you have unfriended her.