To have unfriended this person?

[unfriender]

I was friends on social media with someone I knew reasonably well when our DC were younger. Now they are grown up, I've not seen her for years but we would interact occasionally on SM. I always thought she was a nice person.

A couple of weeks ago, she posted that her elderly mother had died. I offered my condolences which she thanked me for. The funeral isn't for a couple more weeks and she posted the other day that she was abroad on holiday. What triggered me was that she chose to post a photo of her, her DH & DC drinking in a bar, clearly having a fun time. It seemed crass & inappropriate to me so soon after the loss so I unfriended her on the spot.

For context, I lost my own mother a few years ago, I was devastated and still am. I wouldn't have dreamt of going off abroad so soon after her death, before we'd even had the funeral, leaving my siblings to grieve without me and sort everything out.

I mentioned it to my sister (who is also friends with her) expecting her to feel the same as me but she just shrugged and said each to their own. She says she doesn't want to unfriend her as she likes reading her posts and seeing how the DC are getting on now they're older (so did I tbh).

While I stand by how I feel about her actions, I'm left wondering if I overreacted? Would others have done the same?

You are being very unreasonable. And very unkind. Everyone grieves in their own way. My DM died in July 2021. I still miss her, love her and think of her every day.

Her funeral was on 5 August and we had already a holiday booked to start a 7 August. We still went (just altered the booking to take DF with us as well). I don’t post photos on SM but I have lots of photographs of that holiday on my phone. We look happy and relaxed in all of them; on the beach, in a bar, in a restaurant, on a coastal walk; doing all sorts of lovely things. We were all grieving but were making the best of things as my DM would have wanted.

I am quite saddened by your post OP; that you can be so lacking in empathy and so judgmental. Maybe your own grief has clouded your judgment on this one. I’d try to correct the damage if it’s not too late.

How do you know she is leaving her siblings to sort everything out?

When my father died he lived not very near me, so all the arrangements were done by phone and email.

We had a holiday booked, for the week after his death. We went and made the best of it. I didn’t want my children to miss out on their annual holiday because of me. I was sad but I’m sure I managed to crack a smile for the camera and get on with doing things with them.

I did have to make quite a few phone calls to arrange things. My sister did nothing and there was no one else.

Im hoping that lets you see that some of your assumptions may not be correct.

You don't get to dictate how other people grieve. I've lost many people including my own parents. At the risk of sounding heartless what is there to be gained by sitting around at home for weeks just waiting?

Wow!! Your post is so judgmental and frankly it's none of your business.

I've a friend who lost her husband after many years of caring for him.

She went on holiday not that long afterwards.

She is still heartbroken many months later at losing him and will probably always be.

You have no understanding of the different ways people grieve. There should be no prescriptive way. There is no correlation between grieving in a particular way and the level of grief or the measure of love for the person lost.

There is someone I lost many years ago. I was able to laugh and go out several days after their loss. I still mourn them many years later. You are being spectacularly unreasonable to think that anyone who doesn't grieve the way you do is being disrespectful or didn't love the person enough.

Perhaps she had a long drawn out painful death and they’re glad it’s over for her. Perhaps it was 5 seconds posing for a holiday photo and she sobbed herself to sleep later.

Is this a pisstake?
You are being really daft.

You expect them to cancel a family holiday they might have been saving for for years, lose their deposit and maybe the cost of the whole thing? What about the kids? They deserve a holiday and it's terrible their grandma's died. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You need to see things from other people's perspective before being so judgemental. She can post whatever she likes on SM about her family holiday. What a mean response you have to something perfectly normal.

Some of the responses on here bit harsh... you had an emotional reaction and probably sparked by your remaining grief over your mother. Just explain to her what happened and make it up.. am sure she'll understand, good luck OP

Fucking hell I've read a lot of AIBU and this is by far the best post yet. Yes, YABVVVVVVU, everyone deals with grief in different ways, and she is better off without you nitpicking how she deals with hers.

Judgemental. Very, unclench your pearls love

You are really not a nice person. Don't friend her again - she does not deserve judgemental people like you in her life. No one does.

It's good that you unfriended her.

She should be free from having any friends judging the appropriateness of her grief response, and you've helped her achieve that.

Hmm when my own mother died over 5 years ago I've never cried or been upset at the thought of her death, to be honest she wasn't a nice person to me. So never felt the need to grieve but my sister who she was equally horrible too, wept buckets and grieved for a long time. People are different, your friend might not have felt a need to grieve or might have thought well my mum would want me to enjoy my holiday so I will .Perhaps it was just the excuse you needed to get rid of her off your friends list? Just remember People grieve in different ways

Hahahahaaaaa this has to be a joke?

OP, do you think you are a nice person? Genuinely curious. Your approach to this is absolutely horrible. It is her grief to manage how she wishes.

You are being v v v unreasonable. You have no idea the circumstances behind her mother's death. My parents are both gone and both times, I grieved BEFORE they died - one from hideous cancer and one from dementia. Both had long drawn out deaths and I was totally relieved when they passed because they (and us) were no longer in pain.
You have behaved like a terrible 'friend' and she's better off without you.

It's maybe not the wisest thing for her to be posting pics of her having fun when she'd so recently posted about her mum but people are still allowed to enjoy themselves even when grieving. We went away just after my lovely dad died, it was pre booked, the kids were looking forward it, I wanted to take my mind off it & my dad would have wanted us to go

Yes, you over reacted.

Surely this must be a reverse/ goady posting.

If you’re old enough to post in this forum surely you’re old enough to have learned that everyone is not the same, no situation is the same as another, no family is the same and there is no one acceptable way to tell or show emotion - in particular, grief. Grief drives people a bit insane, particularly where it’s something unspeakable like the loss of a child or very shocking.

I’m aware that I am inclined to be somewhat dubious and judgemental about the sincerity and sense of people who grieve very openly for years for elderly people who’ve lived a full life, focus on every sad day and make sure they remember every anniversary in a kind of self indulgent way and seem to ‘get off’ on extracting every iota of misery and drama out of their own, or more commonly, other’s grief. I’m a more ‘life is for the living’ person who thinks you have a moral duty to try to be happy and get on etc.

But I’m not God. It’s not for me to judge and I never really know how others feel inside or what’s really going on with them. So I reprimand myself to give others the benefit of the doubt and to be kind and not judge. Life is hard. Cut others some slack and pray they do the same for you.

Beyond weird and you’ve done her a favour unfriending her. She’s not you and you don’t own her. Next level judgemental.

YABVU. My amazing lovely mum died last year and lived for her holidays. She would have come back to haunt me if I'd have cancelled one.

In fact me and my sisters went on a pre-booked break between mum's (unexpected) death and funeral. It was a really great way to step away and bond and remember her without having to deal with all the arranging we inevitably had to do once we got home.

I doubt she's going to miss the loss of your "friendship".

Amazing how you’ve made it all about you