I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

For goodness sake, get her the vouchers.

She's expressed her view, respect it.

She doesn't seem to be acting entitled at all and that money would be being spent on her regardless.

YABU. Perfectly reasonable request and that way she can make sure she gets something she actually wants or needs, when she wants or needs it. I asked for cash most of the time as a teenager for birthdays and Christmas and often spent it on clothes/makeup/toiletries in the sales afterwards, often getting double the value than if people had bought it for me before.

I HATE giving gift cards.

It's like saying that I don't know the recipient well enough / couldn't be bothered to give it thought.

It also seems to say how much that person is worth to me.

I think you are thinking more from your pov, the pleasure in the buying and giving, rather than what she actually wants. Give her your budget in vouchers, which is actually really sensible, but buy her a nice little box of chocs or something as well, if you want her to have something to open.

She's asked for vouchers, whereas you want to choose and wrap things she doesn't want or need.

Is the gift for the giver or the recipient? Youre making her presnt about you atm.

Gently, I think yabu. Maybe you could get some small (consumable?) items to go alongside it? Or think of a creative way to wrap the vouchers? Or plan some festive activities to do together (not expensive stuff, but things you can do that feel personal and Christmassy).

YABU.

People who give gifts that THEY want to give with no consideration for what the recipient actually wants are awful and I'd go as far to say it's actually a bit controlling.

Presents should be about doing something nice for the other person (like the penguins with their pebbles).

If you read your OP back, it's all about you.

It doesn't fit with YOUR philosophy.

YOU wouldn't like it if your DH got you a voucher.

YOU like choosing/wrapping gifts.

You want to be thoughtful? Give her some things SHE would like, cash by the sound of it. If you want to do something thoughtful and sentimental then do that too, write her a letter telling her what a great kid she is or make her a photo collage or plan a day out, but give her cash!

Since.mine were 17/18 i just transferred cash into their bank accounts fir Christmas and birthday! They had a few little things from 'the dogs ' and their siblings and relatives.

I think if they were a young child then fair enough - but she is almost an adult!!

I think this depends entirely on the gift card.
I know someone who is but their own admission very hard to buy for.
I know they regularly go to the cinema.
I buy them a cinema voucher.
They're really happy with that.
Works for us.
If someone bought that for me then i would agree there's no thought as i hardly ever go to the cinema. It's not my thing

Find a compromise, some of it as a voucher but she has to come up with a few suggestions of small gifts that you could choose to give her.
My 14 year old has sort of tried to ask for vouchers or money for Xmas and I’ve sort of said no. She will get some vouchers from some family I think but I know she’d actually be really distressed if she woke up Xmas motto nothing to open.
A few gifts and some money is fair enough.

Obviously it depends on what you can afford and what you pay for, but £50 a month won’t go far for a 17 year old. (Or for anyone these days.) You could use most of your Christmas budget to increase her pocket money and then do something cheap and loving and thoughtful for her unwrap - like the photo collage suggested above or her favourite chocs or something linked to a childhood memory. Ultimately the giving is about what she wants and she entitled to want money. If you and your DH share finances then him giving your money is pointless; and even if you don’t, it’s not what you want so it’s not what you get given. Why do you get to receive what you want but your DD doesn’t?

I love vouchers - the gift of shopping! You get to enjoy the gift twice. It think of it a bit like receiving theatre tickets or a magazine subscription.

I get what you mean about the expectation of receiving the budget, but I also hate having of think things that I might want for a gift when people ask, or worst still someone wasting money on a rogue spontaneous gift.

Get her the vouchers and find something lovely, thoughtful and not expensive to go with it.

Just give her money. And stop making her scrub the toilets.

There is a middle ground.
A couple of presents to open (maybe even stuff that you would normally put in her stocking) and then the Amazon vouchers or a certificate in a pretty box to open too. She gets what she wants and you get to see her open presents.

This year for my teenage daughter’s birthday I got a few not expensive things from her amazon wish list and transferred the rest of what I would have spent to her bank account so she could go shopping herself, as that’s what she wanted. Would a compromise like that work?

Your daughter sounds great, not entitled at all.

Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness

Surely the thoughtful thing to do would be to get her what she wants?

Honestly the amount of women that seem to place soo much emphasis on buying presents (and their own romanticised view of what a gift means) is bonkers.

I agree don't give her vouchers. Token stocking gifts and hard cash is much better.

There is no point buying her things she doesn't want, or encouraging buying stuff she doesn't need.

If she is impulsive and the money could be wasted on rubbish then don’t give her a voucher. If she is more sensible you should

I refuse to take part in the annual Amazon gift card exchange that seems to take place in my family.

I earn more than both of my parents and brother and would buy myself anything I wanted. Transactionally exchanging £50 gift cards is just soulless. I would much prefer a fraction of the cost spent on a book I was waiting for (happy to give a list of five to chose from so it's still a suprise), a bar of Lindt and a small bottle of wine as a gift set.

I think gifts are about thinking about the recipient and buying something they'll love and enjoy.

The point of a gift is to give the recipient pleasure. Half a hundredweight of gift-wrapped tat will please a four year old, but a near-adult wants money because what she wants is what it represents: independence.

YANBU about the gift. Christmas is a time to open surprises - it’s not a cold hard business transaction.

YABU to make your dd scrub floors and clean toilets.

So who is supposed to do it? The housework fairy?