I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

Being given cash (or a voucher for somewhere you like) is certainly a gift 🤣 quite arguably the best gift for a 17 year old.

All that matters is that it’s what the DD wants. OP says she’s a great person. Why wouldn’t you give her what she wants for Xmas because mum wants to see her unwrap stuff?

I think a lot of people don't understand what a "gift" is.

You don't ask for it
You don't choose it yourself

You just appreciate that someone has been kind enough to give you something for free.

I’d give her the vouchers if she was sure that was what she wanted. What would annoy me though, is I know I would end up spending even more because I would have to get a few little bits for her to open because I wouldn’t want her to have nothing on the day. (I’m aware that’s a me problem and if she only wanted vouchers you should take her word for it that she doesn’t want anything else so don’t waste more money!)

So if I go out and pick anything wrap it and give it to someone they have to love it because it is a gift innit

Doesn't matter what the person actually wants they have to love it so they are not considered spoilt?

Nobody "needs" a gift, that's why it's a gift!

I'd be happy with a ticket to an event I'd like. I find it such weird behaviour to make gift giving all about you as the giver and what you want somebody to have rather than what they want.

I don’t mind giving money or gift cards for a birthday but Christmas I prefer to buy gifts. So it would be a no from me.

🤔 of course you can ask for a gift. Kids choose their gifts and ask Santa for them. You choose what you would like for your birthday and your parents/friend/partner gifts it to you.

And then you appreciate it twice as much because it’s something you actually wanted.

"she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid"

£11.50 a week for cleaning the floors and the toilets daily without complaint and you won't give her the vouchers she wants for Christmas because you want to feel "thoughtful". YABU

If you're not going to make the effort to give somebody something they want then just don't bother.

When I gift somebody something it doesn't come with strings attached. I don't need to exercise such control over someone else that way.

As pps have said, give her what she wants FGS. Buy maybe £30 of 'stocking fillers' and give her Amazon vouchers for her 'main gift.' We do this with our (adult) DC!

Christ your child scrubs your toilets, get her what she wants.

I would get her the gift card but gift it in a fun way so she gets what she wants but you get to put in the love and thought you clearly want to convey. I occasionally had to do a treasure hunt for my monetary gifts as a teenager.

Please read my first line ‘if I asked’ . I have never asked my daughter to clean the toilet but I know that would be her response.
Im not fit to do it myself at the moment either so I just pour abit of duck down it.
Yes she is sometimes ‘entitled’ as are a lot of 16 year old girls .
But she also has a heart of gold and this year has been dreadful for us all.
She does do a lot of jobs that I don’t have to ask her to do Aswell

yes, you don't seem to.

The whole point of a gift is that you get something the recipient wants, because you want to make them happy. Not something you want or to make yourself feel good.

If you get them something they don't want it's not a gift, it's an obligation.

Giving someone something they don't want isn't kind. Most people would rather have nothing than crap they don't want, and nothing is also better for the planet.

so if the dd said 'but I don't want anything other than vouchers,' you'd get your child nothing at all for christmas, just to prove your point? Talk about the season of goodwill...

Just trying to imagine saying in no uncertain terms...NO to my mum when i was a teen

I love gift cards, both for me and to give, I'd rather know someone got something from somewhere they actually chose and wanted, and don't see it as a poorly thought gift, at all. If she wants gift vouchers, I'd give them

That's actually a brilliant idea actually. Your daughter is really smart to think of that. I would wrap up some toiletries, chocolates and fluffy socks for under the tree.

I think your view is perfectly reasonable and the idea that presents are just pay cheques is problematic for relationships in many ways.

that being said - she obviously doesn’t want a gift from you and doesn’t value you buying gifts for get. She’s still a child - get her the gift cards. And then stop after this year.

I just stopped buying gifts for people who expressed that they didn’t want them from me.

There’s a huge difference between buying someone a gift card for something specific and just generic Amazon cards. Basically she wants more pocket money. Once she finishes school she can get s as job for that.

I know what you mean. It just seems a bit.... transactional. If she were an adult I would be suggesting you stop presents all together, but perhaps go with the vouchers while she's still, in theory, a child.

It's not about being 'spoiled' IMO. Our current gift-giving culture is fairly young in mainstream society, but comes from a period when people didn't have much, the range of goods on offer was more limited and the things we woild be given were more similar/predictable as both society and wishes were more restricted.

These days people regularly get bought things that are duplicates, completely unnecessary or just unsuitable. Very few people need anything and it's actually quite hard to think of things if asked for ideas. Also a great many people need money for essentials or time more than a 'gift'.

I think it's ok for gift-giving to evolve again to better fit the current situation in society.

I’d give her the vouchers. It’s not like she’s a young child excited about opening presents. You can always get her a couple of small gifts to open.

As kids get older they want things that don’t necessarily give the parent any particular excitement in getting. My son wanted a guitar pedal thing. I had no idea what it was but I got it, there was no ‘fun’ aspect to the purchase for me but that’s what he wanted.

Bloody Hell! either of my DC cleaned the floors I would be well chuffed! I think YABU /I usually get slippers /some chocs or smellies/a few little things and the rest is vouchers or cash. I havent bought actual big gifts as such ,since my DD was about 12! My DS a bit older but at 17 ,its difficult to know what to get! Vouchers are great .The little theatre near us has some, and DC treated us last Xmas,also meals out . I would treat her to some nice makeup.maybe choccie or whatever she likes ,the good old Amazon and maybe the rest cash.I have enough trouble buying for adults let alone teenagers!

I find it makes for a more enjoyable Christmas morning to wrap the gift voucher in an absolutely massive box. Can you still do her a stocking alongside the voucher?

Which is why so much stuff ends up in charity shops or regifted after Christmas.

There is no purpose in buying unwanted ‘stuff’ just to make the gift giver feel good and the receiver disappointed.

And surely most people say ‘what would you like for Christmas, or birthday? It’s far harder buying a present when you haven’t a clue what that person would like.