I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

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This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

I'd just give her the voucher and then one or two inexpensive gifts chosen with thought, like books.

I do agree with you though, I hate voucher exchange culture at Christmas. It is soulless. But then I also hate needless gifts. I'm trying to make it more about books in my family, everyone text a little list of books they'd like for ideas.

Last year my DM got me the book I wanted but had put an amazon voucher inside it 😆

I would actually refuse to give Amazon vouchers on ethical grounds as I detest this firm and only use it if there is basically no alternative. I would be happy to let her suggest any alternative type of gift card. What about a city center gift card, if she says she is happy with the idea? https://townandcitygiftcards.com

She is basically saying to you that she hasn’t got enough pocket money for buying herself what she wants when she wants. She is very sensible person who is careful with money and doesn’t have enough of them. She is also mindful of your financial limits. It’s how it looks for me. I would give her vouchers. Pack them thoughtful and get her sone little things for her stocking.

Its the difference with adult children - you are not in control any more and their wants are different from your likes because they are different people. It’s a great skill to recognise this before resentment builds up.

It's evolved from my 90s youth. There were lots more relatively modest things like CDs that you could ask for tbat have now been lost to streaming. Everything you could have wanted could be bought on the High Street.

There's no point wasting money and the Earth's resources buying stuff that wasn't asked for, and often what people really want is quite specific now so asking can be quite "transactional". Especially for a young person, money or a targeted voucher is the best way to help a loved one get most pleasure from your gift.

At that age they like to choose their own stuff. You will "get it completely wrong". Just go with it mum.

There’s nothing worse than being bought something when you’ve specifically said you don’t want it, or you’ve said what you do want.

YANBU. Where its stuff for stuffs sake it takes any point out of gift giving. She's 18 in Feb, of course you want to get something meaningful!
Perhaps it's time to change the focus of Christmas and set everyone a small budget/ getting second hand or handmade.

Also, some gentle encouragement to get a part time job?

When I was 17, I asked my mum for cash because I wanted to buy things as and when I wanted. As a result, those items were special to me as they had significance to me.

Fyi - I got a pair of Levi 501 jeans and the George Michael autobiography!

YABU.

You say yourself she's broke. She's expressed that she wants vouchers because it will presumably give her some control to buy things she wants/needs as and when she wants/needs them to supplement her income.

FWIW I also think £50/month is quite a demeaning allowance for a 17yo. Maybe you should consider honouring her request and buying her a few gifts, if it makes you happy to do so.

I wouldn’t have said no to my mum ‘in my teens’ either but then again she never asked me to clean toilets

Vouchers aren’t soulless. You sound out of touch with young people. At 17, she’s broke and likely has a long list of things she’s interested in. Some might be from lesser known companies that you haven’t heard of so it’s easier for her to order something herself.

I’m in my 20s and vouchers have been a normal gift throughout my life. I’d much prefer vouchers than the random things my mum gets me that have never been used over the years that she assumes I like.

If you insist on a gift they maybe ask for her Amazon wishlist?

She's 17, not 7.

She wants the freedom and independence of being able to choose what she wants herself.

Gift giving should indeed involve thought - about what the recipient would most like and enjoy. If the thought is about what you want then that's not the right kind of thought.

Vouchers isn't soulless if that's what someone wants.

Teenagers want choice and control over their own lives and usually have limited money. The pleasure for her is in the freedom of choice and browsing the items as well as the monetary value. If you give her what you want instead of what she has specifically asked for, I really don't see the point. She will be disappointed.

I also wouldn't get her a different kind of voucher. That is also just making it about you. Get her exactly what she wants. You can always get a couple of token gifts to unwrap on the day.

My main thing is, as some others have said, that I find vouchers soulless. I’d buy her anything, forever that she needed. I feel like gift giving should involve thought and don’t want to nuture an idea that it’s expected, transactional or meaningless. I also accept I might be being sentimental and need to get a grip.

There's a lot about your feelings in there and nothing at all about hers.

Why wouldn’t you want to make your daughter happy? What if your husband only liked giving Amazon vouchers even if you’d expressed a preference for a present?

It sounds like you aren’t really thinking of others, just yourself, which to me sounds the opposite of Christmas.

The people who are the most ‘I only buy gifts not gift cards’ are usually the ones with the least nouse for what the recipient would actually like to receive and think they are the most thoughtful and best gift-giver ever. They tend to buy what they think the recipient should want. Because it’s all about them.

This is a very thoughtful post.

I think she's old enough to choose her own things, she sensibly would rather have the money available to buy things throughout the year when things crop up that she wants or needs instead of having a ton of stuff she may not even like for Christmas.

Why don't you tell her that you don't want to lose christmas tradition so three quarters of the amount will be in voucher form and the last bit will be spent on a gift so she has something to open on Christmas day. It doesn't have to be black and white you can let her grow up a little bit without losing anything.

I understand the way you feel but honestly I'd just give her what she wants for Christmas, she is at an age when she wants to get her own bits - so that's fair enough xx

Yes, sadly some people aren't as good at choosing physical item gifts as they think they are.

See, I like reading, but I wouldn't want to receive books, I live in a small flat and do not have the space to keep books, I use a kindle and borrow from the library.

I haven't RTFT but I'd compromise and give her what she wants but also do a small stocking - it doesn't have to be expensive....some chocs/pjs/book, then you'll both be happy!

OP, I get you. There's something so transactional with vouchers. It sounds though like your daughter could benefit from a little more of her own cash to spend, which could be solved by her getting a job.

Most people here will just say give vouchers, but you can fully establish a rule that in your house, gifts can't be cash. I don't think I would ever give a voucher either.

It’s what teenagers want. I clearly remember my kids getting to the money for Christmas stage and now dgc are reaching it I’m over the moon. So much easier and they can buy what they want when they want. I’d rather £100 went on something they want than something I choose that gets out in a drawer.
I’ve always done a stocking for dc and dgc so stuff that with small fun stuff.

That’s a small amount of pocket money for a 17 year old what does she have to buy out of that ?