I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

I completely understand and agree with you. Your daughter is turning this into a commercial transaction, isn’t she? That’s why people have limits on what’s spent on presents, so that the focus is on choosing something special. Unfortunately, I can’t think of a way to turn this around.

Give the main gift value as a voucher and get her a small stocking of other useful and consumable things.

Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness.

But the gifts she wants are vouchers, so what’s the issue? Surely she’ll be happier Xmas morning to see some vouchers in her stocking rather than random stuff she didn’t want/ask for?

At 17 you just want a bit of extra cash. You want to be able to browse on ASOS or buy a new skincare trend or get a coffee. Maybe she wants to redecorate her room a little bit or get some new clothes for uni/college.

I do understand what you mean. With gift vouchers they know exactly how much you've spent and they expect that much.

I would compromise and do a gift voucher AND a surprise item

Same. The only person I buy gifts for and receive gifts from is my partner and I give him a very specific list of stuff I want. I ask for him to give me a list too. I only want stuff that I actually want or would buy myself, not someone else’s idea of a “nice thoughtful gift”. I’d rather have cash or nothing. But then I don’t go for silly pointless rituals in general.

Just get her vouchers.

If you really want to give her something tangible, then maybe do her a hamper of stuff she likes. Start now with a nice basket and just add to it until Christmas. Bit of clear wrap, ribbon and you're sorted.

But my godchildren don't really give me many clues but do like Amazon so the £25 voucher is de rigeur

I think your daughter is being very thoughtful in not asking for ridiculously overpriced tech/ cosmetics/ clothes like most other 17 yr olds would and saving you from stressing about what to buy. There’s definitely a middle ground here. But some nice stocking gifts, a book, some pjs or a nice jumper and give her the gift card or cash. She sounds like an awesome kid.

I would be sad too as I enjoy the present opening round the tree. Passing out little envelopes or just saying check your email for your voucher is a bit grim. But it is what she wants. I would still get a couple of little gifts to open.

Give a voucher but keep £20 or so back to buy stocking fillers to wrap.

All I want to know is how the hell did you get your daughter to clean the toilet?
If I asked my 16 year old daughter to do that she would make a puke face and tell me in no uncertain terms ‘NO’

How about a voucher plus something she'll use, like a new mop and some marigolds?

I have a 16 year old. He doesn't get to dictate anything to me "in no uncertain terms", I am the parent. If I asked him to do a household chore and he told me no then there would be consequences.

To be fair I don't usually ask him to clean the toilet but he does other household chores.

My daughter does household chores too. She also cooks sometimes for herself and brothers but she would definitely not clean the toilet!

If you out this into the "love kanguages" thing that you sometimes see-

You feel that giving thoughtful gifts is really important and how you show you love someone.

She almost certainly feels that she never has the money to buy anything she wants (50 quid a month which includes toilet cleaning is pretty minimal unless you are literally on the breadline). She values choosing what she wants.

Put it another way - you are funding her going out to the shops and having the joy of spending her own money.

If you really insist on doing it your way then maybe take her out for the day with a decent lunch so you can share her enjoyment.

She's clear on what she wants though. Any gift giving from you at this point is privileging your way of doing things.

If I had asked specifically for gift cards and the person had ignored that, I would feel they didn't know or like me, so...

So what a person wants is the least important thing for you, so basically you are making this all about you?

Money/vouchers are not really a gift imho.

A gift is something that the buyer puts thought into, not a means of the recipient accessing cash to spend.

She almost certainly feels that she never has the money to buy anything she wants (50 quid a month which includes toilet cleaning is pretty minimal unless you are literally on the breadline). She values choosing what she wants.

She doesn't value it that much or she'd get a job & earn some money for herself.

If I asked my 16 year old daughter to do that she would make a puke face and tell me in no uncertain terms ‘NO’

What because its a job you're fit to do and she isn't? How bloody entitled. Don't put up with it. If she doesn't want to clean the loo she shits in she can go pay for her own house & the loo in it?

You don't ask her to do it, you teach her from a young age to do her share of the jobs around the house, including the unpleasant ones.

Others may see it as a gift though.

I absolutely hate "stuff". I don't wear jewellery, I don't like having knick knacks around my house, I hardly ever buy new clothes. I enjoy travel and experiences, so I'd far rather receive a voucher to do something like that than some crap that I'll never use.

Its sad that so many people are so spoiled and entitled they can't appreciate a gift any more just because they didn't choose it themselves

Beeskneez maybe really you just don't need a gift at all then.

There are still lovely things people can give you. A ticket for perhaps a specific event or experience is better than cash/voucher

Disagree, I think it's bad to just assume what somebody would like to receive rather than asking them and getting them something they truly want. I always ask people what gifts they'd like and if it's money then no problem.

I think it's a reasonable request, she'll enjoy the freedom of being able to spend. A gift is about the recipient and what they would like surely. A colleague bought me an Amazon voucher for my birthday and it was my favourite thing. I 'saved' it in my Amazon account and promised myself I would only spend it on myself and kept to that. I spent it over a couple of months on new books for my Kindle, I wouldn't usually have splashed out on as many so it brought me a lot of pleasure!