I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

Then, just like OP, you're making it all about you and what you want, rather than the receiver.

When I was a teenager all I wanted was cash or vouchers instead of gifts. I wanted to buy CDs and books and clothes and there was no chance my parents would have got my taste in any of that right (or if they did, it would be something I already owned). I still remember getting a Take That album instead of Hole, then a few years later the Corrs instead of Lauryn Hill, "because you like music". Just no.

Teenagers ultimately want freedom and choice to get the things they want, not what their parents think they want. Denying them that because of your own feelings about gift-giving is frankly a bit controlling.

I can see the attraction from her side, she can get herself things as and when she wants them which really is a gift that keeps on giving!

I see what you're saying though and could you perhaps get her a voucher of slightly less value than the full budget and then also get a few wrap up bits- scented candle, fluffy socks, chocolate etc to feel a bit more festive on the day?

If that's what the recipient wants, that IS putting thought into it.

Yup. And how many of her gifts end up in the charity shop, I wonder?

I always ask, I always say. Enough time and money wasted on guesswork.

It’s about both giver and receiver.

i don’t give money or gift cards, I give presents. Maybe they don’t always hit the mark but they’re given with thought and care. (And FWIW I have been told I’m good at it.)

This isn’t a transaction of handing over a prescribed amount of money that’s owed. It’s my choice to give presents to my family members and it’s about our relationship: a test of how well I know them, of creativity and imagination.

The ideal present is something you wouldn’t have thought of yourself but are thrilled to get.

Yes, there's something very selfish about establishing a rule that allows one person in the house to make present giving about their preferences.

Put the cash in her account and get her a box of Celebrations. That’s what she wants. She doesn’t want tat from B&M or M&S or wherever. She’s saving you a lot of time and likely money. Appreciate that, and give her a voucher with love.

God forbid somebody should ask for something they actually want.

All your points aren't really relevant if this is what the daughter wants and has asked for.

Both dd have asked for Money.

I will give them money and also some smaller gifts, maybe clothes both still like lego etc books...

But the main gift will be money.

Xmas has changed but in many ways it's nicer because they can choose and save as they wish. But obviously that dynamic has changed and Xmas will change.

Fwiw I adore gift cards, I usually don't buy for me so a gift card makes me..

Let her enjoy the Amazon vouchers!

Why not relevant? I didn't say that I won't or don't. Just that this is how I feel about it. Reflecting something of how the OP feels.

Op I get it, I wouldn't like that either.

Giving physical gifts at Christmas is part of Christmas, having something to unwrap on Christmas morning, thinking about someone else...

I think money/vouchers is okay for bdays but not Christmas.

My daughter is 16 next month and genuinely rarely asks for anything. People have asked what to get and I’ve said vouchers for some of her favourite shops. She loves the idea of us going for lunch and a full on shopping day. I’m very fortunate she wants to do this I know. If she wants vouchers/gift card let her have them Whether she shops with you or her friends she will have a great time.

so YOU don't WANT to give your daughter what SHE WANTS

oh dear, how selfish of you

At least she's not asked for cash. That would be entitled.

Just give her the Amazon vouchers (she'll have to buy something with it)and buy her a little something to open on Xmas day.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to give your daughter gift cards for Christmas. You love to give presents. Vouchers feel soulless to you.

You are being unreasonable to not give your daughter gift cards for Christmas. She wants gift cards. They don't feel soulless to her.

Is the gift for you or for her?

FWIW I have been told I’m good at it.

Of course you have. That's what polite people will always say about the gifts you buy them.

I'd prefer this - I would prefer she got herself things she wanted / needed rather than I buy her tat she did not want.

You make her scrub the loos? Grim

But it's OK for OP?. A few years, even months, the daughetr 'll have to do it for herself anyway. Don't be so squeamish and silly.

We have a mother who is terrible at gifts. Every year we get tat; all her gifts get put to one side, ready for charity shop. She won’t get gift receipts, and buys when she’s on holiday, so often no chance of a return or exchange. Now it’s our teen children getting the same, at an age when all they really want is cash. We’ve tried for years to get her to save wasting money (she spends a lot), but to no avail. She thinks she knows best.

BTW, the £50 a month pocket money, do you presumably pay for lunches, phone bill, toiletries etc on top of that? Otherwise, that £10/week is pretty miserly for a teen girl, especially since she’s having to scrub the loos etc.

Why is that grim? It's a household chore that needs doing, a 17 year old isn't above it!