I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

My MIL loves to give gifts and refuses to give cash or vouchers. The amount of unwanted gifts and therefore wasted money this has resulted in over the years is ridiculous.

I would go for the middle ground, give her the voucher she wants plus a couple of small surprise gifts for her to open.

I think it’s reasonable to clean for pocket money. Although £50 might be a bit tight depending what else you pay for. Phone, travel card and lunches would easily mean there was nothing left.

Give her the voucher for Christmas and a token sentimental gift.

I know what you mean about choosing something thoughtful but if she’d prefer money then I’d go with that. I’d pop a few small things to open with it too.

For what it’s worth, when she’s older she may go back to preferring some nice thoughtful gifts again.

I think at her age it’s nice to have extra money and be able to choose exactly what you want.

Similar here - although no dogs!

OP, give her money and wrap 2 or 3 little things up or do a treat together.

If your reasoning is that you feel gift cards are impersonal -as in you didn't choose a gift, why did you ask her what she wanted. That is also not choosing a gift yourself. I see your point but also see hers. It's a nice idea really, she may spread out the voucher over 6 months with lots of little things that are essentially gifts from you all year round

I would go for the middle ground, give her the voucher she wants plus a couple of small surprise gifts for her to open.

I’d think this too- the full amount but if you can get together enough for some bits you know she’d love/ and or make some stuff (homemade fudge/ as people said a collage etc) I think it’ll make it for both of you

I remember being rather sad when my DM started giving me money rather than presents as an adult. The reason was different, she was no longer well enough to go out shopping. However, I thoroughly enjoyed spending the money and showing my Mum what I had bought. Usually clothes which I tried on for her to see. If your DD plans a clothes buying splurge maybe encourage the same type of ‘fashion show’. You could still do her a stocking of fripperies as well.

You keep talking about you, what you want, what you think.

It's not about you, it's about her.

She has told you what she wants. I don't think your wants are more important than hers in a gift scenario.

The gift is for the benefit of the recipient. Give her the money!

For your own benefit, you could also put a stocking together for her. Lip balm, face mask, sweets/snacks, socks etc. plenty of nice ideas on the Christmas threads.

I e always tried to find small but thoughtful gifts for my grandchildren, but I don’t think I’ve been very successful and they always say they want money, so that’s what they get.

Of course, when they were small, it was different and there were toys they wanted. I’ve trawled websites and spent ages looking for things, but money to choose what they want at least gets used.

The only reason I wouldn’t give vouchers is because actual cash is safer in terms of the company not going bust. I mean, it’s unlikely to happen with Amazon but you never know!

Otherwise I’d give her what she really wants. Surely that’s the better option. You could always get some of the essentials you normally get to wrap up..for example we always get the kids some new pjs but we take that out of our normal clothing budget instead of what we spend on Christmas. And then there’s always sweets that you could get to wrap as well.

Hooboy - I’ve not posted on AIBU for a few years and it’s just as bracing as I thought it might be! 🙂 Like I said - it’s a genuine AIBU (as in I’ve not decided if I’m being unreasonable and am fully aware of the genuine possibility that I am).

Very grateful for all the forthright responses. My main thing is, as some others have said, that I find vouchers soulless. I’d buy her anything, forever that she needed. I feel like gift giving should involve thought and don’t want to nuture an idea that it’s expected, transactional or meaningless. I also accept I might be being sentimental and need to get a grip.

I’ve never bought anyone a generic bit of tat and think that’s genuinely pointless. Nobody needs a body wash and scrub set.

But it's not about you is it?

okay now I've extracted my eyeballs from the back of my head after rolling them too hard at the ridiculously twee penguin comment....

I find the hypocrisy of 'presents are my love language' people like you so bizarre. They're so convinced of their moral superiority because they spend time and effort thoughtfully picking out absolutely perfect gifts that show how much they know and love the recipient rather than those superficial, avaricious and/or lazy/and or tight people who either just want money and vouchers/buy the standard chocs and wine/don't bother with presents at all....yet at the same time you are the ones actively prioritising your own wants and preferences over someone else's. Also, I'm going to say it, 99% of people who think they are such good gift givers really, really aren't. Your recipients are just being polite.

Your daughter does not want your presents. She wants independence. Which is perfectly normal for a 17 y/o. She's not a 'close adult' or a penguin. She's a teenager and your daughter. Honestly there have probably been a fair few of your presents over recent years that really were not what she wanted and because she's so lovely she doesn't want to hurt your feelings so is hoping that by asking for vouchers you'll get the hint.

By buying her presents she DOESN'T WANT you're a) overriding her wishes and suggesting your way is right and hers is wrong, and b) throwing your money down the toilet

Did you ask what she wanted, and she replied Amazon vouchers please.”

Or did she rock up and say “hey mum. I’ve been thinking about what I want for Christmas. I figured out you spend about £X on me last year and it was all tat. I can do better, so save yourself the effort and give me a voucher this year.”

It makes a difference 😁

Again, you are making this about you. YOU find it soulless. For her it's probably some freedom, the joy of browsing/windowshopping, being able to add that "thing" to cart without having to be 100% sensible, socialising if she goes out shopping with friends and so on.

Or, because she's a sensible, reasonable kid as you say she has a specific goal in mind that she knows it's too expensive to ask for.

I'm on the other side of this. Amazon vouchers give me joy as that means I can buy loads of books without having to be an adult and worry it's wasteful (I read too fast). OH always gets me one for bdays and Christmas.

To me it sounds like you want to give her what you would like to get, not what she would like to get. Vouchers are great for teens. It gives them power of choice.

Gift vouchers are soulless but it’s what she wants. I would give her the voucher then spend another £50 if you have it on thoughtful presents or something lovely like earrings.
she probably really doesn’t want all the presents YOU would choose

The whole interaction now between the two of you about "the present" has become a chore and joyless.

It's better to respect her wishes..only you told her the budget, remember. Give voucher or cash and a token present you prefer. It's not worth the hassle and enjoy a good relationship with her.

I would do what she says and either buy her a few things to open that don’t cost much or you would buy anyway eg socks of her favourite toiletries
Or I would ask her for an Amazon gift list if ideas eg if your budget was £125 total - give her voucher for £100 and buy £25 of stuff off her Amazon wish list

but she probably doesn't want the earrings either and won't think they are 'really lovely!' Because, understandably, few 17 year olds have the same taste as their mothers. She'll think 'If you were going to spend an extra £50 on me why didn't you add it to my vouchers rather than getting another random present I'm never going to use after I specifically told you not to.'

Personally I would honestly prefer to get nothing than get a present I don't want, because the waste of money annoys me!

My DC are adults so get £100-150 depending on whether Xmas or birthday then I will spend up to £50 on a few other things - ideas are always appreciated though

Gift cards/ money have their place. For weddings, they're often more appreciated than lots of individual gifts (from people often guessing your needs and tastes).
For people who don't have much money they can give bit more freedom of choice.
For older kids who don't make a lot of money of their own and have very specific tastes it also just makes sense to give them what they'll appreciate the most.

Look at what you just posted here

I find vouchers souless
I feel like gift giving should involve thought
I don't want to nurture an idea that it's expected, transactional or meaningless

Your daughter finds vouchers give her freedom
Your daughter feel that she wants you to give her what she's asked for, not what you think she should have
Your daughter does expect that you are giving her a Christmas present of x value because she is 17 and you've previously done this.
Your daughter does not see a gift card as transactional or meaningless.

Buy her what she wants. Respect her views. But make it clear what you expect her to buy you. If she buys you a John Lewis voucher, feel free to be upset because she has not respected your views about gift giving.

I think your DD is young enough to warrant gift vouchers or indeed cash. I'd be sad to be giving money to a 30 year old, but teenagers love having their own style and choosing things and don't usually have a good source of income apart from gifts. DD must know that you have a budget for her present and perhaps it sounds cynical to mention it, but there we are!