I don’t want to give DD (17) gift cards for Christmas

[ForkTines]

This is a genuine AIBU - be a bit gentle.

She’s just told me she wants an Amazon voucher and nothing else. She’s aware that there was a specific budget for the last two Christmases and says she wants that and will spend it as and when and has no plans so I have no idea what it’ll go on. She wants the same for her birthday in February. She’s lovely and says it will give her some freedom.

I’m bothered by this - I don’t think of presents as a money thing. She’s 17 - it’s not like I will lovingly wrap loads of wonderful things and she’s going to get me a Fabergé egg in return ( she’s broke most of the time, so I don’t expect anything, obviously) But I don’t feel comfortable that she sees the Christmas ‘budget’ as something she’s entitled to the way she’s entitled to a winter coat. Between close adults I think of presents as ritual acts of care through thoughtfulness. Like pebbles for penguins. I don’t want to dole it out in vouchers. If my husband got me an Amazon voucher I’d be really quite sad.

I also know I like choosing and buying her presents, so I might be being touchy about letting go or that she might have not liked something/s I’ve bought her.

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.

For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

Christmas is "about" different things to different people. I couldn't give a monkey's about having things to unwrap under the tree. When DS was little that was all fun but I don't see the need to force it with a teenager if they're not that bothered.

I’d buy her anything, forever that she needed.

Well there we are

She needs and wants an amazon gift card

Buy her that

This is NOT about you

BTW, the £50 a month pocket money, do you presumably pay for lunches, phone bill, toiletries etc on top of that? Otherwise, that £10/week is pretty miserly for a teen girl, especially since she’s having to scrub the loos etc.

I think £50 a month for what she does around the house is miserly

And IF from the £50 she is meant to pay phone, food, toiletries AS WELL......lord !!

I'm sure that's why she wants a gift card

Because she just doesn't have enough money for her day to day expenses and needs to use her Christmas and Birthday gifts to live off. 🙄😪

Also, I'm going to say it, 99% of people who think they are such good gift givers really, really aren't. Your recipients are just being polite.
This in buckets. I cringe whenever I see someone on here talk about how they give such perfect, thoughtful gifts. Maybe some of them are getting the perfect gift, probably some are getting gifts that are OK, but I imagine most of the time the recipients are just smiling then tucking it away or giving it to charity.

I had parents who thought they knew best and would ignore my requests. I hated seeing the waste of money on things I didn't want or even like but having to stick a smile on my face and look happy for them.
I refuse to do that to my kids. If they state a preference for a gift then I will respect that. Giving gifts is all about making the recipient happy, not conferring some obligation to be grateful on them.

She doesn’t like what you pick for her and she wants to have more than £50 a month for spending. That wouldn’t even get a couple of drinks in the week and one cinema trip these days!
Get her what she wants, it’s not about you.

I understand your pov that sitting watching your dd open one item (a voucher) takes away from the enjoyment and atmosphere of seeing their reaction from the thought put in to buying a gif especially if not something they’d specifically ask for. Equally what teens struggle with is an ability to buy what they want/need throughout the year so also understand why your dd is asking for it. How about a compromise - you agree a budget (e.g £50) to allow for gifts you can buy for on the day and the rest in vouchers?

Just say no. We don't give cash or vouchers as gifts. I tell our kids this any time they ask. They get cash from family and can spend on what they like (most of the time/as long as not wasted). You could meet in the middle and give a smaller value giftcard alongside gifts?

@ForkTines

I’m not sure if I’m being a sentimental looney or stopping in its tracks a tit for tat voucher exchange transaction every year when she leaves home.
For context on her cash flow etc - she gets £50 per month pocket money for keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean - hoover or mop as needed - and both toilets scrubbed without ever having to be nagged or me think about it. She’s a lovely, kind, straight A kid. I have no complaints.

Oh this is so interesting. You are promoting a transactional relationship by making her cleaning and tidy for a miserly 50 quit per moths. That amount of cleaning should get a much higher pay, if you wish to be transactional. Unless you are giving her pocket money because all YA deserve to have some cash, mostly they don't have to do chores for it. Nothing wrong with chores but why is the task of keeping all the floors of the house consistently clean not shared in the family?

lovely, kind, straight A kid. Then stop being so controlling and mean. Give her the gift she asks for. The only transactional person here is you. Of course you are not able to see this. Just leave your poor dd be.

Nailed it. Brilliant 👏

Omg OP, she’s 17! Get her the gift card

I loved my gran. She was brilliant and we were really close. She used to shake her head at her siblings giving their GC money while she bought proper presents. Each present was chosen for the recipient with love and care

And I politely opened my presents knowing that I would never use the jumper, pen set, purse, diary or ear rings that she had chosen and she might as well have given the money directly to the charity shop.

Such a relief when she decided to just give us all £30. And last year - 30+ years later - was the first Xmas without her. And I really missed that cheque for £30 and the little note telling me to buy myself a bottle of wine. Because that £30 was given with love.

I always wonder whether people who insist on giving physical gift items because of their own feelings are this controlling when it comes to other aspects of Christmas.

£50 is not a lot per month for a 17 year old, considering a cinema ticket costs around £10 and the most basic fast food meal out with friends at least that. Particularly when she is doing all the housework, so has less agency to get a part time job somewhere which actually pays her.

Just give her the vouchers. She needs clothes and accessories and all the other things teens want. These are half price on boxing day.

I love vouchers! She probably just wants the freedom of choosing something herself which is perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't think of it in money terms and I don't think it is entitled at all. It does seem more about you wanting to choose things for her, which isn't thinking about her wishes. Get the voucher :)

I have absolutely no problem with giving vouchers for gifts if that’s what the recipient wants. Once my nephews got older they wanted vouchers. I always wrapped them up in a gift box, and also got them a toiletry gift set and a small fun gift like a mug or silly socks so they had things to open but could use their vouchers for something they really wanted.

Similarly my DH loves vouchers for experiences, dining out vouchers or a cinema or theatre card and I’ve got vouchers for a couple of stores on my Xmas list.

Agreed. People are talking about vouchers being "transactional" but there's nothing more transactional than forced fun!

You are thinking of you and not your child. She wants something out of budget and will save for it. I get that you see it as a boring transaction, but she will enjoy spending it, give her he voucher and buy her a small gift that you would like her to have

If you are my mother, can I take the opportunity to tell you that about 57 of your last 60 birthday and Christmas presents are stored in a separate cupboard and have never been used. I would prefer that you showed your thought and care in other ways and gave me nothing. Giving me something I have to pretend to like and compliment you on (yes this people telling you, you are a great gift give are just being polite) is literally worse than nothing at all.

The ideal present is something I know I want but can't justify buying for myself.

So even the cash they receive from others is controlled by you, in that they’re not allowed to buy what they really want? I wanted a €45 Christian Dior lipstick for my birthday. Just that, nothing else. Might have been seen as wasteful by you, but my lovely friends bought it for me.

Well that's exactly what my MIL was! Never asked what anyone wanted for Xmas and birthday, spent obscene amounts of money on absolute crap that no one used. I never knew present giving could be so weaponised until I met her.

@OOriunda I'd happily let them buy most things they want, including a £50 lipstick without hesitation. At 10, 13, 15 they would waste it on McDonald's, boba tea, bus fares & trainers that didn't fit. Oldest is autistic so when younger, would spend it on her friends (ie they would take advantage). We have open discussions on what's worth while. They get pocket money which they can blow on everything/anything & I have no say. It works well for us

I agree with this! She can make an Amazon list or a real list. And OP can also think of some suggestions. But at that age a big infusion of cash matters. At that age my parents did a lot of hybrid gifts - like small things I wanted plus money and dropping me at the shops for after Christmas sales.

It’s also a good time to talk to DD about different philosophies on gift giving, how you think of the budget etc.

It's definitely a thing!

I voted YABU because you are being completely selfish and U about the vouchers AND because you are grossly underpaying her for all that cleaning.