Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

Sounds like they’re still alive!

and living there?

What do the wills say?
It all sounds a bit unseemly if they are still alive!

Once they leave should be a job for the executors, no one else really.

What do the grandparents want to do? Frail or not they will have opinions. This sounds like sharks sensing blood in the water and circling and it’s horrible.

Edited to add that surely there is a will in place for when the time comes which outlines their preferences? It’s a job for the executors as PP said.

My in laws recently passed away. There were also three siblings.

Basically, everyone sent in a list of preferred items which was shared out. Then the house was sorted with people selecting the items they wanted and the rest going to a charity shop. Anything sold, the money was split according to the will.

However, this was done after In laws passed away. We didn’t have vultures circling before.

Ghoulish to be picking it over whilst they're alive and living in their own home!
Presumably they have written wills?

But... they're still alive? Surely they will bequeath important/valuable items to individuals in their wills?

What if they decide to sell and go into sheltered accommodation? They will decide how to dispose if items at that point surely?

I am.bewildered why you are asking about other people's things really!

Picking through a jewellery box... wait they're alive???

Talk about bad taste - they're not bloody dead yet!

To right it's bloody unseemly. It wasn't my daughter picking through the dressing table.
It's hard enough at the moment dealing the keeping them at home. Unless they set fire to the place, the grabby aftermath is going to be obscene.

So what did you say to the person picking through someone else's jewellery box??

I'm one of five. When my mum died we all got together and starting with the eldest, each picked something we wanted. Then we went round again starting with the youngest and so on Everyone got a "first" turn. Mum had left a list so we honoured that obviously. Grandchildren were not involved and apart from her wedding ring (now my wedding ring) she had no jewellery.

I'd love to be able to see my relatives' faces when they realise my house is going to my friend's children. The cousins have started circling already.

I think this is open to interpretation. We all "picked" through my Granny's jewelry box about a decade ago (she is still alive). She offered to share our her jewellery because she no longer planned to wear it and wanted us to take what we wanted. So my mum, aunt and I took a couple of items each. It was all very agreeable.

I'm ashamed to say nothing, just continued to clear up the kitchen. 'Granny' just talked about the occasions that the different bits came from. It was on the face of it a nice bit of nostalgia but I think we're going to hear a lot of 'Granny wanted me to have that' from various grandchildren.

I'm so sick of the place already. Coaxing very ill people, trying not to medicalise their home, encourage communication so no one feels left out or excluded. Honestly, every big gathering has someone voice ' how they've always loved...'

I think your upset about their health is coming out as anger.
Small grandchildren are like magpies - big, shiny, me want. Don't turn normal childhood selfishness into something it's not.
You sound like you are starting to grieve and maybe some counselling to help with the big feelings would be a good idea.
It would make sense to get wills sorted. Because numbers are easy to divide and possessions come with emotion attached. So discuss with them what they'd like everyone to have as a show of their love.
But part of it sounds like you're trying to mitigate the loss you are going to feel. Have it all sorted so your emotions don't turn to anger at that time. I don't think you can do that. It's going to be messy because everyone will be grieving.
Go get the counselling cos it feels like there's more to this than a division of spoils.

It all sounds tasteless and grabby 🙁

So logistically how do you divide an empty five bed roomed house. The siblings are executors, even split but everyone has different time commitments.
Do you ban grand children from entering? In-laws?
Seal the place till all three executors can find time to gather together?

Because they're not dead yet doesnt mean there shouldnt be plans for when they are. It saves horrible misunderstandings at a later date. My mother had a will and gave PoA to one of her children as well. She decided that anything in the house that had been given to her as a gift from one of us, went back to that person first( if they wanted it). She asked us repeatedly if there were any particular things outwith that that we would like. Those choices were very personal and ranged from her rocking chair to a cow shaped pj case!
Once all these items had been claimed,we gave others to particular friends who had loved her. Other things then went to charity,or recyclable if not reusable.
I am down to the last bag for shredding and a handful of photo albums and the house will finally be handed over to its new owner. Its all very hard but a pragmatic approach helps for when the emotion overwhelms.

Please remember also that your DPs may derive pleasure from sharing out some things while they can still make choices about it.

I am an only DC and recently my 86 year old DM gave me her jewellery because she can no longer see well enough to put it on and her ear ring holes have closed up.

They are nice items, but none on their own would be particularly valuable- maybe a few hundred pounds but I don't think second hand jewellery is worth much - but it gives her pleasure to see me wearing it, and it makes me feel close to them, reminds me when DF bought them for her when she was a 30/40 something and I was just a child.

But then I suppose I am the only one, so I am already doing the grunt work.

I wonder if you could tactfully say to her "I saw you gave DGD your sapphire bracelet. It's lovely that she has something from you that she picked together. I wonder if you would like to do that for all the DGC and even us Mum as it would be so nice to have something special for the future."

I don't know sounds awfully clunky as I write it, but you get the drift.

Executors agree to spend a weekend clearing the house, nobody else is allowed in. And get a big skip.

That’s sickening, really. Not one of them deserve a thing.

Only ever on here have I heard people talk about what they'll get when a parent /grandparent died in a serious way. I've jokingly said can I have that when your gone, mostly about daft trinkets that have only sentimental value. I think an outside executor would be the fairest way of ensuring everyone is treated fairly, to be honest I don't think the grandchildren should get anything it should be divided amongst the couples children only . Its up to themselves if they want to give things away whilst they are still living .

Agree plus you can get professional help if it’s daunting. Be prepared for lots of runs to the tip. Perhaps explicitly state that if anyone wants anything in particular they must let everyone know and not just take it.