Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

Please go through the personal stuff first @rookiemere. There was only me and my dad made me promise not to do what you propose, it really upset him to think of strangers ripping his home apart.

@BIossomtoes I guess we are all different. DPs have never expressed any concerns about personal stuff, we're very practical in our family .
I also know myself and my inability to declutter and sort effectively and get overwhelmed with that sort of task, so it is likely the only way I could manage it.

When clearIng out deceased mil house the 3 adult children (also
executors) sat down and each said if there was something that’d like and negotiated fairly after which they all placed post it notes on these with their names. Each then made a pile
of small stuff which each checked they were happy for others to take after which other family members inc older GC were asked if they’d like anything. Rest then sold, donated or skip / tip.
House, car etc disposed of as per will.

God, sound like vultures

Serious words needed with your siblings re the vulture like behaviour of your niece, she sounds disgusting. All jewellery should go to you and your siblings initially, especially if the will is not specific. Who has keys in the event of their passing?

I could have written this word for word.. except my Mum (who's in a care home with advanced Alzheimer's) handed me all her jewellery one day when she had a moment of lucidity.. I'm the only girl of 5 and my DD is the oldest granddaughter. I will distribute some of it when mum is no longer with us.
As siblings we all got on well and we kept the SILs out of the decisions until we siblings had a rough idea who wanted what...
A very very sad time that could have been awful..
OP I'm really feeling for you...

I have asked my mum to write a separate letter to say (my niece & myself are executors),we will sort out furniture & everything else. I have one brother, who said get a house clearance, or skip.
although he’s getting half of the house, he doesn’t want anything. The reason for asking mum to add letter is, I will be grieving so won’t feel like emptying mum drawers straight away, plus SIL can be a dogmatic, ordering people around, she’s not in my mums will, but will be want to be in the thick of things.
Think it’s best to write a letter, one to give to the solicitor & copy to give to the executor/s & state who’s doing what.

I know my older sister has taken photographs of her jewellery and put a name with each piece. She has 2 DD and a son with partner she is fond of and granddaughters too. I think I might do the same although I have only got 1 DD and I don't think she'll want much of my jewellery because after I divorced her Dad I offered her my jewellery box with everything her Dad had ever bought me. It was all yellow gold. She said she didn't want it because she liked white gold or platinum. I suggested she could get the diamond taken out of my engagement ring and re-set in white gold or she could sell it but she said no. I gave all this jewellery to my nieces and great nieces. There wasn't enough for all nieces/great nieces to get something so the ones who missed out will get something of my newer jewellery. I think I'll take photos too with a name next to them. Do people leave female jewellery to sons or not? Maybe I should have given my engagement ring and eternity ring to my 2 son's.

That's so sad but good you recognise they still get pleasure from certain things. ❤️

Something similar was done here for my GM, except that by the end it was also 'grandchildren please come and take anything else you want to help clearance'.

Just tell the kids that if there’s any squabbling the whole lot will be sold and the money split between the three siblings.

Having said that I think I’d be having a gentle conversation with your mum about her jewellery. Are there any particularly sentimental or valuable pieces that shouldn’t be left with the more costume stuff. If so, these should probably be ringfenced for her to make a decision or for the executors to have valued.

Just been through the entire process and the most important thing is an iron tight will, not jewellery split for instance. Alas in this case one grand daughter was favourite over the others to a huge degree (over 5 figures) in terms of jewellery value though the resale price if she sold it is of course a fraction.

Anything with a value over around £100 or with particular family sentimental value needs to be listed on a wish list attached to the will including contingency in case that person is not alive or able to receive said bequest. The more detailed the better

Once both have died or need to go into nursing care, the executors need to enter the property and inventory for probate, nothing can be distributed at that point. Once probate is granted then all listed items should be distributed then the residual items can be split, mostly it's a house clearance really because nobody actually wants 99% of the stuff! Of the desired items a pick system where everyone chooses something, then a second round, third etc is fair and in this case anyone who wanted routine household stuff (so the youngsters setting up home) split those items amicably.

I think we're past the presumably brief window between 'I'm immortal' to which occupational health battle shall we try and sort today.

I think we will have little fires everywhere
The keep it intact as a shrine
The dump it in a skip by next weekend
Everything has a financial value, we can eBay every last spoon
Everything has an emotional value therefore is priceless and yet worthless since it cannot be exchanged, sold or given away
If I keep more of granny's stuff than she loved me more.

It's really interesting about keeping the in-laws away even with such long term connections. Maybe families were closer in the past, maybe we weren't so good at enforcing necessary boundaries. Maybe it's just a way of keeping numbers down.

Anyway, it's really helping me run various scenarios through my head. Thank you for all your thoughts and ideas.

Isn't it odd how some people think they are immortal?

Apparently the NHS is a disgrace since they refuse an 87 year old the specialist surgery that normally an Olympic athlete would go private for.
Dr Google is the ever present expert in this house.

This thinking about/arguing over who gets what (especially when parents/grandparents are still alive!) Is completely alien and distasteful to me. My sister and I sorted it all out without any fuss or argument.
I have a very simple will (I am a widow). I have left everything between my five sons, plus a letter asking them to ensure any pets I have are found a suitable home.
I trust my sons to sort it all out amicably between them. They all tell me to spend their inheritance on having a good time while I am alive!

Whatever you say- the fact you think sitting down with granny and grandchild and having a reminisce is 'off' says everything. Perhaps that grandchild loves antique jewellery (costume stuff is getting fashionable again) and would love to wear it- so what? Do you want it?

If any of my children try to control my relationships with my GP and 'supervise' my possessions, I shall make sure they have none of that.

Relationships and memories are so much more important than anything, let them build them, and if they include Granny giving that grandchild a lovely piece of jewellery and having that memory, so be it.

We had a similar scenario with a grandparent recently. Several siblings and multiple grandchildren. All adults. Most with own homes.
She was luckily still pretty compos mentis so do have something to say about some things that were important . All Jewellry was distributed by her along with anything sentimental or particularly valuable.
We then got together as many people as we could. There were representatives from each family at least. We then looked around and chose things that we thought we’d like, that had memories, that could be useful. We stuck name on these things. If more than one person showed an interest then names were drawn out of a hat. In the end lots of things only had one person wanting them and much of it ended up being given away.
My mum was convinced a few things had already been given to one sibling or another but it wasn’t enough for anyone to care or cause rows over.
I would definitely try and get the relatives to have an input, witnessed by as many people as possible, for the valuable items.

Thankyou @Faldodiddledee that's exactly why I'm valuing this thread.
But I am anticipating trouble ahead.
I really hope the GC will remember the moment fondly.
I'm too old and miserable to enjoy sitting at my mum's dressing table trying on sparkly stuff, it's not gilding a lily, more glitter on a turd.
I'm probably not comfortable with my own late teenage kids walking into more private areas of the home whether that's bedrooms, the study or attics and bringing ' stuff' to my parents for discussion. I think it's different if you are invited into those areas and then discussion goes that way or the owner of the possessions decides that a thing to tackle today.
But maybe other children need the comfort of regressing to a young age with less rules or is just impulsive or cynically out for number one.

My spidery senses are tingling and I'm thinking the worst but planning for the best.

My DSM had given a list to the executor of her estate in which she itemised each of her significant pieces of jewellery and said who she wanted to have it after her passing. It wasn't an officially drawn up document or anything but was respected by all, as it was in her own handwriting (and also because no-one was grabby, which obviously helps).
Maybe you could have a quiet chat with the couple in question when it is just you there and suggest they do the same. That way they get to choose who they want to have significant items and other items are just not that important really, are they? It doesn't matter who has them as they're just "stuff". If it is written in Granny's handwriting, possibly with an explanation of why it means a lot to her, grabby granddaughter can't really complain that she wanted the diamond ring her cousin got and not the ruby one that Granny thinks will look beautiful with her dark hair.

You can do a Letter of Wishes which you keep with the Will in which you can go into more detail. It’s not legally binding but is taken seriously by solicitors.

Presumably items of value will need to be valued and added to the estate and divided according to the Will. If the Will says “I leave £5000 to my hairdresser and the residue to my eldest daughter”, and the letter of wishes says “I want my granddaughter to have my £5000 engagement ring”, that would contradict the will.

You obviously have never been in this tricky situation. The kind of rifts caused in families by the spoils of death are legion. It's usually the spouses rather than the family members and they show their true colours.

Unless there are items that the parents want to keep in the family, it can prove much easier to liquidate everything and share out the proceeds in accordance with the parents' wishes. In that way if there are any 'oh she always promised that to me' people; they can go and buy the item for themselves.

Yep you are completely correct, we do become a prisoner to our belongings, don’t we.