Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

So they were looking at the jewellery while the granny talked them through everything?

Why did that affect you so much? Were you worried they would get something?

Fuck me they’re still alive and you’re already fighting over the spoils.

I hope they leave the lot to the cats home.

How awful!

What do your grandparents want? It's up to them to decide.

I suppose it depends exactly what was being said. My gran used to let my cousin and I look through hers and we would both say what we liked - but not in the sense of ‘ can we have it’?

I take it from what OP says that it wasn’t her DC but probably a DN. Tricky - as if it’s your own you could have a word. If it was definitely unpleasant - clearly staking a claim on something in the expectation of getting it soon - then I’d have to say something to my sibling who is that DN’s parent.

More broadly, much depends on what’s in the will and whether valuable pieces eg engagement ring have been left to specific people eg oldest granddaughter. If not, then the executors need to sort out a fair way of doing it and ensure than items are not removed before then.

While they are still alive, encourage them to store valuables in a locked cupboard, out of view, or even buy a small safe and install it at the back of a cupboard.

Encourage them to make a very specific will, saying they get to choose which things go to which relatives. Point out that it avoids squabbles later and would reduce everyone's distress.

After death, hold the wake at an hotel, so people can't access the house. Give the house keys to the executor who has a legal duty to carry out the will exactly.

When my dm died, she left a very specific will, house , furniture and money, all to be sold and money divided equally between siblings. Jewellery allocated piece by piece.

This scenario has happened twice in my family. I'm one of many grandchilden - big extended family. In both cases my parent and their siblings were firmly in charge of the arrangements, and despite logistics got together at weekends a couple of times to sort out the specific bequests, and then the things they each particularly wanted/needed/suited their homes. The grandchildren were then asked by their own parents if there was anything specific they would like, and this was sorted where possible (grandchildren not privy to the discussions/negotiations). Once this was done, anyone in the family who could get to the house was invited to go and choose things from what was left. Some grandchildren couldn't make it in person but nominated their parent to choose a couple of things on their behalf. I lived nearer and could get there and ended up with a lot of obscure books and some kitchen dishes that no one wanted but that I love. Anything left once everyone had had their chance to choose was sold/went to house clearance and the property was sold. Whole process took a couple of months of weekends (not every single
weekend).

Controlling access to the house could be tricky if all the siblings have keys.

I have a friend who was left ‘the jewellery’ - not specified- but when the executor went to get it, all that was left was cheap stuff. Someone else had taken the valuables. She didn’t pursue it as the suspected person was a closer relation to the deceased, and the executor had no proof of what there actually was.

My extremely rational grandfather did it all well beforehand and presided, firmly, over proceedings. There was no dispute at all after he passed. DM is currently trying to do the same, every time I go there she’s found something else (and she’s extremely sharp so knows who has sentimental claim to what!).

So the Granny in question was sat there whilst one of her granddaughters looked through her jewellery box? Granny was explaining why certain bits were sentimental to her?

I have no issue with this. I’d hope one day when I’m old and grey that I can talk through the sentimental bits of my jewellery or whatever with my grandchildren and leave them all with something that make them smile and remember me.

You can’t take that stuff with you when you pass, better to let the young have something nice.

That’s why in my opinion you’re better to pass it on whilst you’re living. You know the right people get the right stuff then.

The siblings decide how to clear the house. The grandchildren stay out of the decision making process. The will may gift individual pieces although that's still to be determined.

The executors or those with power of attorney decide how to clear the house surely?

I wish all the “that’s disgusting and grabby” people would shut up - they’re completely misunderstanding the OP’s point which, I understand is about pragmatism and the reality of multiple relatives.

My elderly mother is alive and well but I can already see my grabby SIL overstepping and mentally earmarking stuff which she may well end up with, but there’s a will and a process to follow. And who wants to be gatekeeper and the boundary holder about trinkets when you’re in the depths of grief and death admin! I also don’t want to fall out with anyone.

This thread is really useful to me in terms of how you handle that. We as a family aren’t naturally grabby, but my SIL is and my DB doesn’t see it. She was the first one to get her hands on my dad’s will when he passed and I was furious. When the dreaded time comes I don’t want to be policing her as well as clearing a family house.

You get the grandparents to do a list of what they want to leave each grandchild specifically. My GP did this with their grandchildren. Jewellery was split between children as per the will. This is the best way to do it.

It was more, Granny sat in the kitchen whilst I washed up, grandaughter (20) comes in with a few bits (think gem stone) from the jewellery box and says 'whats this'....
This is the niece we are going to have the most trouble with, own car, everything will be sentimental, competitive as to who loved/was loved the most. I'm not a big fan at the best of times so if I add a layer of grief, people might fall out.

Totally up to the grandparents if they want to gift things to grandchildren while still alive. I think this is a lovely thing to do, sounds like you are really worried you will be ‘shortchanged’ which is a bit sad really and a you problem. Maybe just enjoy the time you have with them without fretting about what you think you are entitled to. They don’t actually have to leave anyone anything if they don’t want to, inheritance is not a right or a given.

Have you had a chat with your parents? They should write down anything they specifically want to go to a specific person, and everyone should be clear that those are the only stipulations from them. After that, people can put in a request for items they want, but no guilting over 'granny wanted that to go to me'. Sorry but these family members sound awful and reading it I hoped the grandparents have left everything to charity! Other option is an estate sale and split the money evenly according to the will.

The executors make it their priority to have the will read and then distribute accordingly. And no, the partners don’t go in nor do the grandchildren.

once you’re down to items not specifically in the will then it will have to come to sharing things of equal value.
so fine, if one person “has always loved X” then they can have that but presumably they’re fine with others having Y and Z?

When my ex’s very elderly grandfather died there was a stampede to the house. The eldest ‘child’ (my ex’s father) got there last and was outraged that “all the good stuff” was gone. His brothers and sister had descended on the place like a flock of gannets 🤦‍♀️

Auction everything

then the money gets split

so if grandchild particularly wants a piece of jewellery then they pay for it but the money comes back to them in an inheritance

unsold items can either be collected in a house sale - and again the money is places into the inheritance and split or taken to charity

Then you decide how to split the money - but you do need to decide that before the auction and inform each beneficiary how the proceeds will be split etc

Are there wills & POA in place? I'd change the locks when the first one passes and only the execs have a key to stop squabbles, especially as the vultures are circling already.

CF SIL went round DMILs house and put a sticker on everything she wanted before we'd even held the funeral - so grabby!
Then SIL died suddenly about 6 months later, her friend was her executor, and any sentimental "family" items went to charity shops or landfill straight from the unpacked boxes. DH was upset when he realised that he never got his childhood teddy back!

This should all be in a will, overseen by professionals.

The other scenario will ruin any family bonds.

Unfortunately, I know.

The older people are still alive, how unpleasant.

@PicaK
The grandchildren are aged between 17 and 22.

Re ‘picking through’ a jewellery box, after a sister in law’s widowed mother died, family members were invited to come and help themselves to anything they particularly wanted, before the house was cleared.

The wife of a grandson (so not a blood relative) promptly zoomed in and took all the jewellery! 😱
I’m pleased to say they made her give it all back.
She came from a very wealthy family, too.

Long before she died (at 97) my mother of said she wanted us to ‘put our names on’ anything we would want now, since she didn’t want any squabbling after she was gone.

We always told her that unlike her own siblings (constant bitching/discord for as long as I could remember) there would be no squabbling among us - her lot were the Awful Warning!
And there wasn’t.