Most pleasant way to split and clear Grandparents house

[MotherWill]

How do you do it?
Big house, lots of people hosted over the years, everyone feels they have a stake in it. The couple are suddenly looking very frail and I can sense old sibling rivalries and the grandchildren jostling.

What's the fairest/kindest/least traumatic way to handle the logistics.

Three siblings plus long term partners
Six grandchildren from 22 to 17.

Obviously in an ideal world it would all fall magically into place but after overhearing a grandchild picking through Granny's jewellery box I think we have trouble ahead.

What's works? What doesn't?

Yes. Don’t try to clear the whole house yourselves. Lock up the house and no-one enters except the executors, together. Once things mentioned in wills have been removed from the equation, only the executors get a say in who gets what, though other family members can submit written preferences if they want to. Divvy up everything of monetary or sentimental value, then get house clearance people to do the rest.

I don't understand the people saying how disgusting it is to be thinking of these things whilst the person is still alive.

There's a vast chasm between everybody circling, taking over and pre-claiming a person's possessions "as you'll die soon"; and sitting down, being practical and realistic (and also sensitive) about the fact that an elderly person will not be with you forever and, when the time comes, there will be difficult decisions to be made and tasks to be completed in the midst of grief - of course, with compassion and the person in question's best interests at the forefront.

If it's unseemly to think about these things in advance, why do people make wills in the first place?! It's not just the properties and other assets worth hundreds of thousands that can cause strife between the family, but also the mundane and sentimental items too.

I'm still under 50, so not elderly yet, but I'm mindful of the fact that I've already had far more of my life than I have left. I don't dwell on it, but I do sometimes think practically and plan about what will happen and what will need to be done once I'm gone.

I would never, ever use a family WhatsApp group for raising contentious issues. 'Naming no names' means that everyone is upset at once even if they've done nothing.

I agree that the grandchild who thinks it's OK to go into someone's bedroom and touch their stuff needs a sharp talking to, preferably about ten years ago. But they're unlikely to get it.

You've had various practical plans which I hope will help. You probably need to decide what your top priority is - avoiding conflict? Following your parents' wishes? - and stick to that.

I would say from experience that trying to get frail elders to allocate things now that they haven't allocated in the will or at least in writing in some form is pointless. They are usually too tired and their own priority is avoiding conflict, so the same thing will get verbally allocated to anyone who asks about it, and that's a recipe for disaster. We had one valuable painting that was promised to everyone in turn (I refused the offer as my brother and sister were already arguing over it).

So I personally would just let go of the things and let those who want them get them. I'd rather have the dignity of not scrapping over stuff.

We emptied the jewellery box on the table, the children (her 2 sons) tossed a coin to see who would start and took turns to pick an item until it was all divvied up. No daughter in laws or grandchildren involved.

Sons then distributed to their own children.

Luckily for me my husband picked out all the silver Georgen Jensen (sp?) pieces as the other son only had eyes for the gold and thought he was going to make a fortune selling it for scrap but it was mainly Argos cheap shit and I now have all the good stuff 🤣

Small grandchildren? 17 to 22?

I hope they leave nothing to the family in their will, what a disgusting bunch of vultures

As children, we used to love picking through our grandmother's jewellery box. We also used to love dressing up in old clothes from the loft and coming down and doing pretend plays for our grandparents. They found it funny. We were the only grandchildren who did that, though - the rest were nice and fond of our granny but didn't spend a lot of time in her house whereas we used to stay each holiday for a bit. They had a lot of interesting stuff in their house and we did used to raid drawers and cupboards and bring things to show them, that was just the relationship we had with them.

When is our grandmother died, the way it was dealt with was that her children (not her grandchildren) sorted through her things and took turn about to choose the things they wanted. Anything that was not wanted was left to be cleared. Grandchildren were allowed to choose one thing each to remember her. My siblings and I didn't choose "high value" things, it was more things we'd played with as children - a wooden farm, a wooden chest and some toy horses. None of the other grandchildren wanted anything at all.

Grandchildren shouldn't be involved at all in picking over the spoils. Just the the siblings. And NOT until the grandparents have passed away.

Gah family jewellery.

I have quite a few ‘valuable’ pieces of jewellery from my grandmother via my late mother.

It isn’t really valuable though as I can’t really sell it due to sentimental/ family history reasons and I am always paranoid about losing it/ forgetting the safe place I put it so any burglar wouldn’t find it.

What do their wills say regarding house contents? If it says everything is to be sold that is what happens, children and grandchildren can buy the items if they wish.

If the will doesnt say then the executors get together. They can take it in turns to select an item they wish to keep and that will include anything their children want. The grandchildren have no say at all unless specifically mentioned in the will. Or they can have everything valued and anyone who wants can buy it, if more than one then the person prepared to pay most. Or draw lots for contentious items.

My husband's grandmother had stickers and she got everyone to put stickers on the back of things they wanted with their names on. She was a proper character

I can’t even remember if there were any clashes amongst the kids. I remember my DH wanted something a grandkid wanted, but he got it. I think otherwise everyone wanted different things.

Always seems to be the jewellery. It upset mostly my direct side of the family when it came round to it. It had gone into a safe as my grandma had dementia and was convinced it was being stolen/loosing it etc. it stayed there till after my grandad died at my aunties house no issues. However that’s when it started being a bit upsetting mainly for my dad…his sisters went and picked what they wanted but my dad felt like he should have also been able to pick what he wanted so could be passed onto me, my sister or my mum. As my other cousin a woman got dibs as they all went through it together and then me and my sister got the “dregs” still lovely stuff and it was my grandmas so it still means a lot. He was just upset about the principle and it should have been a whole family choice. It wasn’t enough to fall out over but it wasn’t a pleasant time

I read about an elderly couple who used the coloured dot stickers. Blue for one son, green for the other son and pink for their daughter. Unfortunately, after the couple’s deaths, the daughter got to the house first and rearranged the dots to her liking.

It's not an awful family, in some ways it would be easier if no one gave a shit and never came near but everyone does care, even the potentially grabby sil.
Luckily my brother split from the really grabby partner a few years ago but it absolutely wouldn't surprise me if she turned up at the wake, full of tears and anecdotal promises.

As 50 something siblings we have a lifetime already of 'stuff'. For me, I rebelled against my parents taste in furniture, Knick knacks and jewellery. Some of the 'heirlooms' that in-laws and kids have commented on came from car boot sales in the 90s!!
For the siblings I think it will all be about the trivet on the kitchen table.
But maybe it's different in your teens and twenties, maybe Grandpa's cufflinks or a pair of earrings from a jewellery store are important.

It might get to the down size stage, modern medicine is a miracle so they might last another ten years.
I can't let the house stay empty, acting as a storage unit until a student grand daughter can house a chaise Longue so there will be tears and tough decisions. I think the sibling first acting on behalf of each partner and kids is the only way to go.

I thought this sounded like a nice thing. I'm sure granny enjoyed it

Obviously this is when the parties concerned are deceased.

You need to secure the valuables first as it may be that there are bequests in the will and the Executors will need valuations before distribution. I would suggest that only Executors have access until Probate has been granted. Until that time, there is no obligation to share the contents of any will.

Should you wish to clear it yourselves, the fastest way I have found is 'keep', 'donate' and 'throw'. Although you could equally just do 'keep' and 'dispose' depending on volume. 'Keep' is anything that has either monetary or emotional value.

Once the bequests have been identified and extracted, put the whole lot into auction and then if anyone wants anything that much, they can bid for it. Then split the proceeds according to the terms of the will. This method ensures that people get what they want and no one is disadvantaged by the greedy ones snaffling the best pieces.

It can be eye opening watching the vultures circling to pick over the remains. Good luck, I feel you are going to need it.

My relatives did this. One set of cousins (plus parents I suppose) went in early and stripped the house of pretty much all sentimental, personal possessions. They took jewellery (including I think a ring promised to me by my grandparents, thank goodness I got that back), my grandmothers old vintage clothes, photo albums, even the friggin placemats. They weren’t even particularly close to my grandparents, hence why they were too busy skanking my grandparents personal belongings to be grieving. The rest of the cousins were left with nothing of any particular sentimental value. They also apparently did the same with another relative. Sad sad behaviour. This and other issues have made me want the distance myself from them a bit.

My gran put stickers on everything. She had nine children and it made it really easy for them. You just picked up the clock and it said Steve, the telly said Jean, ornaments Carole etc

When my mum was dying, but still well enough to be having this kind of conversations, she waited for a time when myself and my sisters were together with her, tipped out all her jewellery on the table and said 'right, what do you all want?'

Because of the kind of relationship we have, it worked pretty well. Obviously we were initially saying no mum we don't want to talk about this, but she was insistent. We all love and care about each other, and wouldn't ever want to let mum down either, so we were able to fairly, and respectfully divide it up between us. Mum kept a certain set (which was pretty valuable so not something 'lesser') back for SIL too, knowing she'd always loved it. Most sentimental/ valuable pieces were divided between siblings, smaller but still sentimental mementos for adult grandaughters. Mum boxed them up in our own parcels and labelled them with our names. None of them were touched until a good while after she'd gone.

She also wrote a cheque for a given amount for each of her grandchildren, everything else was split evenly between 4 children.

Furniture/ other items in the house just kind of split according to what made most sense/ who had need. I'm not saying it was all completely smooth sailing - I do remember yelling at my brother to 'buy your own fucking suitcase then' when he decided he was going to help himself to all the luggage as they had a holiday booked - not my finest hour and years later can't remember why I cared, but at the time emotions were running high. There's a couple of items I wish I'd have kept but one of my sisters wanted so was just easier to acquiesce, and even all these years later found myself absolutely fuming when my sister announced she'd broken one very sentimental item that she'd decided she was having with basically no consultation. But, I'm sure there are things that pissed them off about me. Deep breaths, patience and understanding all round - and mum certainly drilled into us that she expected us to be kind to each other and there for each other once she was gone. We are, and always have been close - but it did test us at times, so I think if cracks are showing you're right to be thinking about this now.

@MotherWill OP you have had some good suggestions which hopefully you can use. I agree it really only should be the 3 executors who make the decisions about who gets what.

I have 2 children and I have made it clear to them that I will be the one who says who gets what in terms of the jewellery, handbags etc as I want them to have an equal share in terms of monetary value. I have told them both to tell me if they want something specific. I don’t want them arguing over anything when I am no longer here. I have some quite expensive jewellery so want them to keep it but if they need to sell it then that’s ok too. No point holding onto something if it is just sitting in a drawer as I always bought things that I knew would be valuable in years to come and would provide the children with a nest egg should they ever need it.

Hopefully by making our wishes clear there won’t be any issues when we have gone fingers crossed 🤞🏼

Same within my family.
Grandma gave us rings when sister and me were 3 and 5. The rest went to my mum.
She made clear when we were around 16 what we will get appart from things she is still wearing.
I don't see much point into delaying that splits untill you die.
Why not give away what you don't need and prepare family for your obvious departure.

I would arrange to meet my siblings with no spouses or grandkids and say that you've noticed a level of additional comment and open covetous behaviour across the family. That you don't want it to turn into a row after your parents pass as emotions will be heightened anyway.

Then agree now what process you will follow as executors at least in the first few weeks; and communicate that to the wider family. People are welcome to express any requests / preferences to their parents but under no circumstances is this verbal grabbiness / barely concealed planning to continue openly in front of your parents.

If you have a sibling who is prone to it themselves, then you may need to prep the conversation carefully with another sibling.

Hoping they leave it all to a cats home.

The jewellery is just a total pain and the most likely to set up unpleasant emotions between six kids between 17 and 22.
Some of it would have been very expensive originally but now worth a fraction second hand.
I won't want any of it, a lot was bought during unhappy years to mark new starts or her sister during a 'bling' phase.
Sometimes jewellery is sentimental for a sad reason. But I know that others will project their own emotions on to stuff and I'd like to happen calmly, fairly and leaving everyone feeling positive.

With the siblings it will be something in the kitchen or on the mantelpiece and we'll all be fighting and pulling hair.